Tonight isn't such a good night.... I feel a little lost. I know that the path I'm on is the right one.... but it makes me sort of second guess, and sometimes, regret past choices.
I remember when I was little, and when I was growing up, I was a leader. I was smart, funny, and while I wasn't the prettiest, I knew how to capture a crowd. Knowing all the answers at church helped. I was a favorite among the younger girls when I was at Girl's Camp. My family adored me, and I was the favorite niece among many aunts and uncles. (That last one hasn't changed :P)
These days, that is definitely NOT the case. Some people say I'm a leader.... but it's not for the same reasons. I feel like some people around me only follow because I have the car, the apartment, and sometimes the money. That's not being a leader! I don't want to be that kind of leader. I won't lead by not giving a crap what others think. Some people think that's healthy and cool, but in the end, you're the one losing. I won't lead by devoting my time, energy, money, and basically my life to others, either.
I really think a true leader cares what others think, but only to an extent. They care, but they won't bend from who they truly are. They are the perfect balance. I used to be that way. Now? I don't know. I know I'm on the right path, but I have to change so much. I've developed habits, and it's hard to change them. A lot of people have thought that I'm a pushover, and that people take advantage of me. That is NOT the case. I was always the one offering. I was always giving and providing. So why would the receivers think anything is wrong? They weren't demanding, and they only started asking after I continuously offered. That's not me being a pushover. But that is me dealing with some serious thinking errors.
I'm not to that perfect balance yet. I'm leaning more on that side of caring too much what others think about me. I'm very quiet in rowdy situations, because I'm worried about what the public will think of me if I don't say something, and I'm worried about what the rowdy friend will think if I do say something. Ugh. It's complicated. Overall, I realized that sometimes, you have to leave behind the people who will hold you back. It sucks, but it's worth it.
I'm getting there. To that balance. And I'm going to be the person I know God intended me to be. If I lead, great. But I'm not going to follow. No thank you.
