I've made progress in the last couple of weeks. In different ways. I've discovered I'm a two steps forward, one step back, kind of girl. I like to keep the journey interesting... and by interesting, I mean difficult and slow. I'll probably pass out over the finish line some day. #truestory
I'm eating healthy for breakfast now! I take a jar of steel cut oats, fruit, chia seeds, and almond milk to work with me every morning. And I love to eat it! For lunch at work, I'd say I'm about 70/30 on eating healthy. I have a bunch of chicken frozen that I can cook to go on top of salads. I still struggle to stay away from soda during the day.... I've caved 2 of the last 4 days. I'm working on it though! Dinner.................. I'm just not going to talk about it. 0 effort there.
My biggest obstacle that I've yet to attempt to beat is pure laziness. In order to succeed, I have to set a strict schedule for myself that would resemble something like this:
5:30 AM - WAKE UP - GET DRESSED
5:45 AM - AT THE PARK (WALKING FOR 40-45 MINUTES)
6:45 AM - HOME TO SHOWER
7:15-8:15 - GET READY - (like actually do my hair - scary thought, I know)
8:15 - HEAD TO WORK
8:30-5:00- WORK (with prepped breakfast, snacks, and lunch)
5:30 - DINNER (healthy!)
6:00-8:00 - HOMEWORK (the struggle is REAL)
8:15-9:45 - DRIVE (or edit photos, whichever is on the agenda)
10:00 - BED (as in sleep)
What my schedule looks like now:
5:30 - ALARM GOES OFF (turn it off, roll over)
8:00 - WAKE UP (throw clothes on, hair in bun, no makeup)
8:45 - LEAVE FOR WORK (hope there's no traffic and I'm on time)
9:00-5:00- WORK (while going to lunch and sometimes breakfast)
5:30 - HOME FOR DINNER (sometimes in the fridge or food I grabbed on the way home)
6:00-10:00- VIDEO GAMES, MOVIES, TV
10:30 - IN BED (not sleeping)
12:00 - SLEEPING (idiot)
And I wonder why I'm always in the same rut... Oh wait, no I don't.That is an inactive, lazy lifestyle. And I need to fight my own bad habits and beat it!!!
So, my goal for this next week, now that I've mastered breakfast, is GETTING TO BED ON TIME. 10:30 at the latest!! And I'll add on a firm commitment to the salad lunch routine at work. Wish me luck!!! :)
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Monday, May 9, 2016
Consolidating.... and I Hate Being Fat
I thought about making a new blog again, but I loved this one so much, I figured I would start adding to it again.
To start - my life is a shit show. And of course, I am the one who made it this way. I'm trying to figure away to dig my way out, but it's a slow, arduous process.
Tonight, I wish to discuss the biggest issue in my life.... literally. Also known as, my weight. I think back to a few years ago, when I was steadily losing weight through daily exercise and healthy eating, and I can't, for the life of me, remember my "motivation." But after I switched jobs and lost focus, boy, did it all go to hell. And quickly, too.
I stopped exercising completely. I went back to my copious amounts of soda and deep affection for anything fried. I avoided vegetables like they were a collection agency, and I'm pretty sure I achieved a record low of "100" steps per day - if my phone is to be believed.
Now, here I sit, a mere 180 lbs overweight, contemplating whether I want to go to the grocery store and get items to meal prep.... or go and grab a milkshake. Of course, the meal prepping will win, but the milkshake side of my brain is putting up a hell of a fight. But even with the internal struggle, I have a reason to go and choose boring chicken and veggies in a tupperware. Plain and simple, I'm tired. (SPOILER ALERT; This is pretty much a bitch fest/ vent session. Whine will be served.)
I'm tired of wondering every day why my clothes keep getting smaller and smaller. (No - I'm not actually wondering, duh. I just like to pretend to be ignorant to my size.) It's exhausting to be terrified of any department store, and any item of clothing that might be my size. I've worn the same 10 outfits for almost 3 years now, with jeans being the only item to cycle out - stupid thighs. I despise clothes shopping almost as much as I despise my triple chin. Almost.
I'm really over being sent into a panic attack over every single item of furniture I may encounter in public. I broke one of my sister's dining chairs, and that was sitting down gently. True story. I'm pretty scared of my own kitchen table, and my couch. I rarely like to eat at a restaurant, as I'm almost positive their main goal is to terrorize the obese population. I've never really been a fan of trying to suction my body between the seat and the table... my rolls of stomach fat spilling over to mingle with my dinner plate.
Stairs, along with considerable distances of any kind, are officially my nemesis in this life. I wish the smart people of the universe would come up with a portable escalator to accommodate my manic laziness. Alas, they're probably out there trying to solve global warming and world hunger, so my first world problems are on the back burner for now. But seriously, stairs are the devil. I rarely visit the basement at my dad's house due to the fact that I hate the return journey. When my younger sister and I visited Laguna Beach, I traversed a small staircase, and was actually proud that I only stopped 3 or 4 times. Guys, it was pretty much the most pathetic staircase ever, and I was practically crawling my way up, considering dictating my last will and testament to the homeless guy watching me. What he must have thought of the girl who couldn't make it up stairs because she ate TOO much food. Jeez.
I love being outdoors, but I hate trails and hikes of any kind. I've stopped hiking - you never want to be the "pace setter." That's never a compliment. My amount of walking in a day consists of: apartment to car, car to office, office to car, car to apartment - with some variations of a trip to the grocery store. That is my TOTAL amount of exercise in a day. You combine that with my adoration for sugary, fizzy garbage and my aversion to all things green and living, and you've got yourself one nasty, should-be-dead cocktail. I like to call it the "obesitini."
I can tell the people around me are tired of my jokes - considering the fact that I'm the butt of them 99% of the time, I don't blame them. I'm not surprised I didn't get a return text the other night when I told someone I wanted to harpoon myself. Good Lord. But honestly, I feel like I need to do this. If I make myself the joke, then I can attempt to control who's laughing at me. They're laughing because I invited them too - or rather forced. It's so much easier to handle than the ones who laugh and jeer when they think I'm not looking. I'd much rather make people uncomfortable with my own line of fat jokes, featuring me, than to see the pity and judgement in their eyes. I can get through the laughs and the comments, if I elicited them directly. They're so much harder to take when they're unbidden, and unwelcome.
I want to be happy again. Every day- I look in the mirror, and all I can think is "Look at this monster I've created." The soundtrack of words that runs through my head on a daily basis might contain excerpts like: Hideous, whale, disgusting, pathetic, big as a house, ugly, sad, alone, worthless, revolting...." And many more. I could release a whole album of negative talk about myself. An album per day. That's so sad!! No one should hate themselves, and I have buried myself so deep in self hatred, it's hard to see any good anymore. I get extremely uncomfortable when anyone pays me a compliment or praises something I do. I find myself more open and receptive to negative communication of any kind. I've put myself in a mire of shit talk, and I enjoy other people's company there, instead of trying to get out of the muck.
Loneliness gets to you after a while. I can tell I make people uncomfortable with my jokes and my insecurities. I second guess every single thing I say, and rehash any mistake I've made with friends over and over again like game footage in my mind. I am terrified to every invite anyone to do anything - I feel like I'm pushing myself onto them. I don't trust that people actually want to be around me, so I stick to family (and one best friend), and a hell of a lot of loneliness. I'm big enough to be two people, so that counts, right?
I'd love to say that I'm totally only track, that I'm ready to kick my disorder in the butt, that I've got a plan for total success. Sadly, no. I know I'm on my way to something good, but I also know that my biggest obstacle is myself, and this will be slow. Today, I'm tired and venting. Tomorrow, I'll have a little less weight on my shoulders, and I can move forward a little more. Because I'm tired of being tired.
To start - my life is a shit show. And of course, I am the one who made it this way. I'm trying to figure away to dig my way out, but it's a slow, arduous process.
Tonight, I wish to discuss the biggest issue in my life.... literally. Also known as, my weight. I think back to a few years ago, when I was steadily losing weight through daily exercise and healthy eating, and I can't, for the life of me, remember my "motivation." But after I switched jobs and lost focus, boy, did it all go to hell. And quickly, too.
I stopped exercising completely. I went back to my copious amounts of soda and deep affection for anything fried. I avoided vegetables like they were a collection agency, and I'm pretty sure I achieved a record low of "100" steps per day - if my phone is to be believed.
Now, here I sit, a mere 180 lbs overweight, contemplating whether I want to go to the grocery store and get items to meal prep.... or go and grab a milkshake. Of course, the meal prepping will win, but the milkshake side of my brain is putting up a hell of a fight. But even with the internal struggle, I have a reason to go and choose boring chicken and veggies in a tupperware. Plain and simple, I'm tired. (SPOILER ALERT; This is pretty much a bitch fest/ vent session. Whine will be served.)
I'm tired of wondering every day why my clothes keep getting smaller and smaller. (No - I'm not actually wondering, duh. I just like to pretend to be ignorant to my size.) It's exhausting to be terrified of any department store, and any item of clothing that might be my size. I've worn the same 10 outfits for almost 3 years now, with jeans being the only item to cycle out - stupid thighs. I despise clothes shopping almost as much as I despise my triple chin. Almost.
I'm really over being sent into a panic attack over every single item of furniture I may encounter in public. I broke one of my sister's dining chairs, and that was sitting down gently. True story. I'm pretty scared of my own kitchen table, and my couch. I rarely like to eat at a restaurant, as I'm almost positive their main goal is to terrorize the obese population. I've never really been a fan of trying to suction my body between the seat and the table... my rolls of stomach fat spilling over to mingle with my dinner plate.
Stairs, along with considerable distances of any kind, are officially my nemesis in this life. I wish the smart people of the universe would come up with a portable escalator to accommodate my manic laziness. Alas, they're probably out there trying to solve global warming and world hunger, so my first world problems are on the back burner for now. But seriously, stairs are the devil. I rarely visit the basement at my dad's house due to the fact that I hate the return journey. When my younger sister and I visited Laguna Beach, I traversed a small staircase, and was actually proud that I only stopped 3 or 4 times. Guys, it was pretty much the most pathetic staircase ever, and I was practically crawling my way up, considering dictating my last will and testament to the homeless guy watching me. What he must have thought of the girl who couldn't make it up stairs because she ate TOO much food. Jeez.
I love being outdoors, but I hate trails and hikes of any kind. I've stopped hiking - you never want to be the "pace setter." That's never a compliment. My amount of walking in a day consists of: apartment to car, car to office, office to car, car to apartment - with some variations of a trip to the grocery store. That is my TOTAL amount of exercise in a day. You combine that with my adoration for sugary, fizzy garbage and my aversion to all things green and living, and you've got yourself one nasty, should-be-dead cocktail. I like to call it the "obesitini."
I can tell the people around me are tired of my jokes - considering the fact that I'm the butt of them 99% of the time, I don't blame them. I'm not surprised I didn't get a return text the other night when I told someone I wanted to harpoon myself. Good Lord. But honestly, I feel like I need to do this. If I make myself the joke, then I can attempt to control who's laughing at me. They're laughing because I invited them too - or rather forced. It's so much easier to handle than the ones who laugh and jeer when they think I'm not looking. I'd much rather make people uncomfortable with my own line of fat jokes, featuring me, than to see the pity and judgement in their eyes. I can get through the laughs and the comments, if I elicited them directly. They're so much harder to take when they're unbidden, and unwelcome.
I want to be happy again. Every day- I look in the mirror, and all I can think is "Look at this monster I've created." The soundtrack of words that runs through my head on a daily basis might contain excerpts like: Hideous, whale, disgusting, pathetic, big as a house, ugly, sad, alone, worthless, revolting...." And many more. I could release a whole album of negative talk about myself. An album per day. That's so sad!! No one should hate themselves, and I have buried myself so deep in self hatred, it's hard to see any good anymore. I get extremely uncomfortable when anyone pays me a compliment or praises something I do. I find myself more open and receptive to negative communication of any kind. I've put myself in a mire of shit talk, and I enjoy other people's company there, instead of trying to get out of the muck.
Loneliness gets to you after a while. I can tell I make people uncomfortable with my jokes and my insecurities. I second guess every single thing I say, and rehash any mistake I've made with friends over and over again like game footage in my mind. I am terrified to every invite anyone to do anything - I feel like I'm pushing myself onto them. I don't trust that people actually want to be around me, so I stick to family (and one best friend), and a hell of a lot of loneliness. I'm big enough to be two people, so that counts, right?
I'd love to say that I'm totally only track, that I'm ready to kick my disorder in the butt, that I've got a plan for total success. Sadly, no. I know I'm on my way to something good, but I also know that my biggest obstacle is myself, and this will be slow. Today, I'm tired and venting. Tomorrow, I'll have a little less weight on my shoulders, and I can move forward a little more. Because I'm tired of being tired.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Trying To Breathe
I don't know what's been wrong with me these last couple of weeks. I have felt like I can't breathe. Like I'm constantly tired, out of breath, and having a really bad migraine.
I think I bit off more than I could chew with two jobs. It's been nice to have the extra money... but it wasn't needed. I've just worked myself into the ground, and I don't know where I'm going to pull my energy when it's time to go back to school. I'm letting my boss know that I won't be able to work when school starts, and while I'll miss parts of the job, I'm happy to let it go.
I'm beyond excited to go back to school, but I'm nervous too. It's been a while. I'm still the same shy, socially awkard girl that I was four years ago. I had hoped to make all the necessary changed before I went back to school. Lost all of this stupid weight, acquired the self confidence I desired, and learned how to stand on my own two feet. Incomplete, incomplete, and.... half complete. I don't think I'm ready, but I have to get back into school.... unless I don't want to graduate until I'm thirty....
I've lost a total of 20 pounds (including the six I gained back). I've come to accept that the weight loss process isn't going to go the speed that I want, but I'm happy, VERY happy, with the progress that I've made. I am learning discipline, and it's nice to feel my clothes getting baggy. I just need to learn how to love myself, regardless of my appearance. If I don't find myself beautiful and wonderful, how can I expect others to do the same? WORK IN PROGRESS....
I miss my friends. All the time. Constantly. I think about them all the time, wondering how they're doing. And I'm always tempted to text them, and apologize, even if I don't know what I'm apologizing for. Then I hear things, catch wind of rumors. I have to take a step back. Things haven't changed. It's not the right time. I still have a lot of growing up to do. We all do. Sometimes... it's hard to be jealous of your friends. And to wonder all the time. That's really where the can't breathe feeling comes from.... can I trust them? Are they honest with me TO my face? Or behind my back? I'd jump in front of a bullet for them, but will they catch me when I fall? So many questions... that's not good. I really just need to forgive, forget, and move on.
I'm so beyond grateful for the few wonderful friends that I do have. They're pretty much a sister and a brother to me. I'm blessed beyond belief to have an amazing family as well. My sisters and my cousins are my best friends, as well as my parents and my aunts and uncles. I'm glad that we can get together so often, and have the greatest of times.
I may not be able to breathe, but I'm not dead yet. I'm going to continue to live. And to laugh. And, most importantly, to love.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Summer Lovin'
Oh my goodness. The past couple of months have been crazy!!!!!
A little update on my life.
I registered for school in the Fall. )#($*&%*@Y^!^(%$!!!!!!! I'm beyond excited :) I've got three classes I'm looking at, and they're all about writing for digital media, using the programs, etc. I'm so psyched! I can't wait to get in a studio and start making some music! UVU here I come!
Oh... another good little snippet. I've lost 14 pounds so far! I have two more months to make my goal of 40 altogether for the summer! Just 26 more to go :) I honestly feel SO good. I love going running... Not. Haha. But I'm getting there. I love the feeling of getting smaller, feeling healthier, and having more energy. It's amazing.
The biggest bit of news??? I GOT A NEW APARTMENT! Yaayyyyyyy!!!! I love it, I love it, I love it! It's so cute! Very updated, with painted walls, and I've already added a lot of vinyl wall lettering... I know. I'm a dork. I love having everything I need, and not having to worry about it. I'm pretty darn proud of myself.
It's always intrigued me, how life turns out. It's usually never taking you down the path you started on.... there are a lot of off and on ramps. It's weird not being around the people you were around constantly, and feeling like it's just the way things are. I honestly wonder why I get the inspirations... or prompts... that I do. Sometimes they make no sense! I'm so grateful that Hanna and I can still talk all the time, even though we're miles apart. She's the best roommate I'll ever have... even though I'm never having them again. Haha.
I miss old friends. I really do. All the time. There's times when I remember some amazing memories, and I'm so tempted to pick up the phone and shoot off a text. But... I need to remember why I made the decisions that I did. I deserve great relationships in life, as does everyone! I never want to feel like I am being talked about, lied to, or used. It was rare when that happened, but everyone deserves to have happy, fulfilling, GIVE and take relationships! We deserve the best in life!
I'm trying to find the best now. The best in me. The best in my future. Who knows... maybe the best features the tall dark handsome Italian man that I dream about all the time.... Hehe.
Live, Laugh, and Love everyone! Always!
A little update on my life.
I registered for school in the Fall. )#($*&%*@Y^!^(%$!!!!!!! I'm beyond excited :) I've got three classes I'm looking at, and they're all about writing for digital media, using the programs, etc. I'm so psyched! I can't wait to get in a studio and start making some music! UVU here I come!
Oh... another good little snippet. I've lost 14 pounds so far! I have two more months to make my goal of 40 altogether for the summer! Just 26 more to go :) I honestly feel SO good. I love going running... Not. Haha. But I'm getting there. I love the feeling of getting smaller, feeling healthier, and having more energy. It's amazing.
The biggest bit of news??? I GOT A NEW APARTMENT! Yaayyyyyyy!!!! I love it, I love it, I love it! It's so cute! Very updated, with painted walls, and I've already added a lot of vinyl wall lettering... I know. I'm a dork. I love having everything I need, and not having to worry about it. I'm pretty darn proud of myself.
It's always intrigued me, how life turns out. It's usually never taking you down the path you started on.... there are a lot of off and on ramps. It's weird not being around the people you were around constantly, and feeling like it's just the way things are. I honestly wonder why I get the inspirations... or prompts... that I do. Sometimes they make no sense! I'm so grateful that Hanna and I can still talk all the time, even though we're miles apart. She's the best roommate I'll ever have... even though I'm never having them again. Haha.
I miss old friends. I really do. All the time. There's times when I remember some amazing memories, and I'm so tempted to pick up the phone and shoot off a text. But... I need to remember why I made the decisions that I did. I deserve great relationships in life, as does everyone! I never want to feel like I am being talked about, lied to, or used. It was rare when that happened, but everyone deserves to have happy, fulfilling, GIVE and take relationships! We deserve the best in life!
I'm trying to find the best now. The best in me. The best in my future. Who knows... maybe the best features the tall dark handsome Italian man that I dream about all the time.... Hehe.
Live, Laugh, and Love everyone! Always!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Growing Up
I love the movie Peter Pan. I used to dream as a kid that I would never have to become a grown up. Life as a permanent kid would be awesome! Cartoons, dolls, playing with friends, mediocre school work that involved blocks and treats, and Mom cooking every day. *Sigh* That would be the life.... Ha.
Growing up is hard. It's hard to go to work every day. It's hard to go through challenging coursework knowing you'll just graduate to get a job and work some more. It can be difficult being on your own, cooking, cleaning, and bringing home the bacon.... But wait.
I'm on my way to being something great! I love my job. The ladies I assist are the greatest, I have a great boss and fun coworkers. I have my own car that I paid for, an apartment that I've fully furnished by myself. I live with my best friend. I'm going to school to work in something I love. MUSIC. Maybe growing up isn't so bad :-)
But it isn't all about work and school and being in your own. In the past year, I've learned so much. Like picking my battles. I think I'm realizing what's worth fighting for and what's not. When to hold on and when to let go. There's been times where choosing to let go has ripped me apart, but I knew it was the right thing to do. And there's been times where holding on has blessed me.
I want to be the best I can be, and I know there are still changes to be made. I am going to be a good grown up :-P I've learned so many lessons. I'm going to keep my mouth shut about others. I'm not in high school. If I need to vent, it will only be to my various "mothers." They're good at listening, and I'm pretty sure it's not passed on. Others turned me into a gossiper... And that's not who I want to be. So no more.
I'm going to rely on my family (close friends count here too) for love and support. They will always be there for me, I see that now. I love them with all my heart.
Everyone deserves to have all the happiness in the world, and I'm going to find mine, work for it, and keep it.
Cheers to growing up :-D
Live.Laugh.Love
Growing up is hard. It's hard to go to work every day. It's hard to go through challenging coursework knowing you'll just graduate to get a job and work some more. It can be difficult being on your own, cooking, cleaning, and bringing home the bacon.... But wait.
I'm on my way to being something great! I love my job. The ladies I assist are the greatest, I have a great boss and fun coworkers. I have my own car that I paid for, an apartment that I've fully furnished by myself. I live with my best friend. I'm going to school to work in something I love. MUSIC. Maybe growing up isn't so bad :-)
But it isn't all about work and school and being in your own. In the past year, I've learned so much. Like picking my battles. I think I'm realizing what's worth fighting for and what's not. When to hold on and when to let go. There's been times where choosing to let go has ripped me apart, but I knew it was the right thing to do. And there's been times where holding on has blessed me.
I want to be the best I can be, and I know there are still changes to be made. I am going to be a good grown up :-P I've learned so many lessons. I'm going to keep my mouth shut about others. I'm not in high school. If I need to vent, it will only be to my various "mothers." They're good at listening, and I'm pretty sure it's not passed on. Others turned me into a gossiper... And that's not who I want to be. So no more.
I'm going to rely on my family (close friends count here too) for love and support. They will always be there for me, I see that now. I love them with all my heart.
Everyone deserves to have all the happiness in the world, and I'm going to find mine, work for it, and keep it.
Cheers to growing up :-D
Live.Laugh.Love
Monday, April 23, 2012
Forgotten No More
Oh my goodness I haven't been on here in FOREVER! Whoops!
Here's an update to my life!
I'm still living with Hanna, and Robin is still very much a part of our lives. We have all sorts of adventures around Salt Lake... and recently St. George, and it's a lot of fun.
I'm so excited to start school again in the fall. The more I learn about my program, the more madly in love with it I am. SO excited!
I was very excited to welcome home a close friend of mine from Guatemala. I love my cousins. So much. Elder Taylor Ririe came home, and Sky got married! Holy Cow! The kids I took baths with and had sleepovers are all grown up :)
Life is good. Can't complain. Sometimes it's hard, and sometimes it becomes beyond hard. But I'm grateful to have an amazing family, and others, on my side. I've grown a lot in the last few months alone, and I'm happy about the changes I'm making.
Live. Laugh. Love
Here's an update to my life!
I'm still living with Hanna, and Robin is still very much a part of our lives. We have all sorts of adventures around Salt Lake... and recently St. George, and it's a lot of fun.
 |
| At a Utah Jazz Game |
 |
| The Fesitval of Colors |
I'm so excited to start school again in the fall. The more I learn about my program, the more madly in love with it I am. SO excited!
I was very excited to welcome home a close friend of mine from Guatemala. I love my cousins. So much. Elder Taylor Ririe came home, and Sky got married! Holy Cow! The kids I took baths with and had sleepovers are all grown up :)
 |
| Taylor, Zack and I at the airport! Welcome Home! |
 |
| I hate my face in this, but handsome groom Sky looks studly ;) |
Life is good. Can't complain. Sometimes it's hard, and sometimes it becomes beyond hard. But I'm grateful to have an amazing family, and others, on my side. I've grown a lot in the last few months alone, and I'm happy about the changes I'm making.
Live. Laugh. Love
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Post Valentine's Day
*Sigh* It's here. Finally..... HALF-PRICE CANDY!!!! :P
No, but honestly, Valentine's Day just cracks me up. I can't help but conceal a giggle when people talk about it. My friends seem to be divided on the day. It's either overrated, or absolutely perfect. But I saw on someone's FB a really good way to look at it. We should be thankful all year round, but we still have Thanksgiving. We should be celebrating Christ's birth all year round, but we still have Christmas. We should love our mothers and fathers every moment, but they still have special days too. Valentine's Day is just a day to show some EXTRA love.
So, to all my precious Valentine's- Mom, Dad, Morgan (Shane and Lexie), Savannah, Brooklyn, Liberty, all my aunts and uncles and my cousins, Hanna, Robin, Allysa, and all my friends.... I LOVE YOU!
Hope you all had a Happy Heart Day :)
No, but honestly, Valentine's Day just cracks me up. I can't help but conceal a giggle when people talk about it. My friends seem to be divided on the day. It's either overrated, or absolutely perfect. But I saw on someone's FB a really good way to look at it. We should be thankful all year round, but we still have Thanksgiving. We should be celebrating Christ's birth all year round, but we still have Christmas. We should love our mothers and fathers every moment, but they still have special days too. Valentine's Day is just a day to show some EXTRA love.
So, to all my precious Valentine's- Mom, Dad, Morgan (Shane and Lexie), Savannah, Brooklyn, Liberty, all my aunts and uncles and my cousins, Hanna, Robin, Allysa, and all my friends.... I LOVE YOU!
Hope you all had a Happy Heart Day :)
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Goals....Whoops
I made a new goal last night to start fresh with my weight loss journey. I really want to look GOOD, and no longer be embarrassed...
Day 1 (today)---- EPIC FAIL. I was too lazy to get out of bed and make something, and I told myself that I'd grab a salad on my way into work. Nope. Arctic Circle. Yummy..
Day 2?? I will make it happen!
I just need to stick to my guns, and be strong enough to overcome my greatest obstacle... myself
Day 1 (today)---- EPIC FAIL. I was too lazy to get out of bed and make something, and I told myself that I'd grab a salad on my way into work. Nope. Arctic Circle. Yummy..
Day 2?? I will make it happen!
I just need to stick to my guns, and be strong enough to overcome my greatest obstacle... myself
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Journal Writing
I felt pretty accomplished last night. I finished a journal. Yes, it took me a year and a half... yes, it was only 80 pages out of a regular notebook (the rest were drawings, doodles, or misc. notes... and thus torn out), but still! I am always so happy to finish a journal. I feel like I've left yet another 'snoozer' for my posterity to read later in life. Ha.
Actually..... I'm not sure if I'd let my kids, or later generations (in the event I'm never blessed with children), read my journals. The early years are harmless enough... but my journaling from the last three years has moments of true insanity :P My kids could use it against me later in life.....
As I went to put the latest completed volume on the shelf, I decided to visit memory lane. I grabbed my six completed volumes, spanning eight years or so, and began to browse. I laughed at what I'd written about in 2004, and was happy to revisit some pleasant memories. I thought so differently back then. I was worried about friends in junior high, my HORRIBLE haircut, and what mom made for dinner. Then, things changed.
The journals I've kept since West Ridge have seemed deeper. There are times you can tell I'm writing for an audience, in case I was unfortunate enough to have an actual reader for the pages. I'm vague, and happy-go-lucky. There are other times when it's obvious that I am so overwhelmed and have no where else to vent. I'm dramatic... and write colorful words :P Well, I am a colorful character :) But mostly, I'm just writing to write, to organize my thoughts, to leave a story.
The nice thing about keeping a journal, and having kept a journal in the past, is that I can see how I've changed, and how I've grown. I am not so shallow and materialistic. I don't worry so much about the here and the now. The real changes in my writing happened about half way through West Ridge, when I was afraid I was going to lose my mom. Suddenly, the big picture came into view. The issues I thought were big were suddenly miniature, and the issues I'd been ignoring suddenly seemed pressing. Since then, I have ALWAYS tried to remember the grand scheme of things. What's eternal.... what's not.
As I read through this last journal, I couldn't help but feel a little pang of loneliness. It's hard when the main character of a story goes missing. It's even harder when multiple characters disappear. I've lost some main characters in my life. I think I fell in love, and had my heart broken. I lost a friendship that, though harmful at times, still brought a LOT of the joy that filled my days. But, I can also read through and smile at the new memories and friends I've created. I may have lost the old characters, but new characters took their place, and brought back the joy.
I'm excited to start a new journal. I'm trying to find a fancy one, something that will last. I'm determined to TRULY document 2012. I'm quite addicted to Vampire Diaries, and I want to journal the way Elena does. I'm not going to write for an audience, or worry if someone reads it. A journal is my own personal story, and I'm excited to write one titled 'The True Happenings of 2012."
Actually..... I'm not sure if I'd let my kids, or later generations (in the event I'm never blessed with children), read my journals. The early years are harmless enough... but my journaling from the last three years has moments of true insanity :P My kids could use it against me later in life.....
As I went to put the latest completed volume on the shelf, I decided to visit memory lane. I grabbed my six completed volumes, spanning eight years or so, and began to browse. I laughed at what I'd written about in 2004, and was happy to revisit some pleasant memories. I thought so differently back then. I was worried about friends in junior high, my HORRIBLE haircut, and what mom made for dinner. Then, things changed.
The journals I've kept since West Ridge have seemed deeper. There are times you can tell I'm writing for an audience, in case I was unfortunate enough to have an actual reader for the pages. I'm vague, and happy-go-lucky. There are other times when it's obvious that I am so overwhelmed and have no where else to vent. I'm dramatic... and write colorful words :P Well, I am a colorful character :) But mostly, I'm just writing to write, to organize my thoughts, to leave a story.
The nice thing about keeping a journal, and having kept a journal in the past, is that I can see how I've changed, and how I've grown. I am not so shallow and materialistic. I don't worry so much about the here and the now. The real changes in my writing happened about half way through West Ridge, when I was afraid I was going to lose my mom. Suddenly, the big picture came into view. The issues I thought were big were suddenly miniature, and the issues I'd been ignoring suddenly seemed pressing. Since then, I have ALWAYS tried to remember the grand scheme of things. What's eternal.... what's not.
As I read through this last journal, I couldn't help but feel a little pang of loneliness. It's hard when the main character of a story goes missing. It's even harder when multiple characters disappear. I've lost some main characters in my life. I think I fell in love, and had my heart broken. I lost a friendship that, though harmful at times, still brought a LOT of the joy that filled my days. But, I can also read through and smile at the new memories and friends I've created. I may have lost the old characters, but new characters took their place, and brought back the joy.
I'm excited to start a new journal. I'm trying to find a fancy one, something that will last. I'm determined to TRULY document 2012. I'm quite addicted to Vampire Diaries, and I want to journal the way Elena does. I'm not going to write for an audience, or worry if someone reads it. A journal is my own personal story, and I'm excited to write one titled 'The True Happenings of 2012."
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
BaCk On TrAcK
The past week or so has put a halt on my life, and my thoughts. I have been distracted. But, as I said I wouldn't, I didn't give up. I got through it. I sucked it up and moved on.
Now? I am back on track. I have one goal in my mind.... well... one really focused goal right now. Find my parents..... or at least find out ABOUT them. I'm not sure I'm ready to meet either of them. They have probably moved on and have families of their own. I know my dad was married, and Tanya always seemed so distant in her letters.
Regardless... I would like to know more about them. I want to know if Tanya is her real name, what she looks like, maybe find her on Facebook or something. In her letters, she said I looked like my dad. Is that still true? What does he look like? Do I have other sisters and brothers? Being one of six girls... a brother could be a lot of fun! I know Tanya's dad passed away shortly after I was born, but what about my other grandparents? Aunts and uncles? Whose features do I have? What personality traits do I copy? Where did my family come from? I have always imagined that I have relatives I can visit in Ireland... with the red hair and all :)
I have imagined hundreds of scenarios. Mom's a famous journalist or musician. I have a rock star half-brother. Dad's a millionaire and will spoil me rotten. I meet them and instantly feel at home and at peace. Ha.... dream land. I know that finding them, and if I chose meeting them, could be potentially awkward. With my dad being married to someone else, I would have to introduce myself to two families. What if he never told his family? What if Tanya never told her family that came after me?
I am going to the adoption agency this week, and requesting every single bit of information that I can. I want everything I'm legally allowed to have. I won't take no for an answer. I at least want names. I have discovered Facebook to be a glorious way of "re-connecting." With a correct name, it would be simple.
I love my family, the one that I was raised in. They have offered their full support of my quest. I really really really love them.
I know who I am... but it's past time to find out where who I am came from.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
I Have To Make It.....
I'm afraid. I'm 100%, paralyzingly, indescribably terrified. I don't know if I will make it through another round in the ring. That's why I got out of it. I was done being used as a punching bag. I know it was unintentional, but it still happened. I feel the pull to get back in.... to join the fight again. It sure was a thrill... the not knowing, the tension, the suspense. But I was usually the one leaving the ring in a body bag.
I know that people won't understand. I will probably be seen as the bad guy. The unforgiving friend holding a grudge. But if that's what it takes for me to watch my own back, and be happy, then so be it. I have an amazing family, and a good life. There have been struggles, but there is NO NEED to pile more crap onto what's happened in the past.
I am given a past to LEARN from it! Not to make it happen all over again! I'm going to be strong this time. Again, some won't understand, and they will be quick to judge me. There will be haters, and sides will be drawn. But I can't do it again. I can't go through the gut-wrenching, heart-shredding pain that should NEVER come from a friend.... Yes. I will be judged. I will be seen as the mean one.
SO BE IT. I HAVE TO MAKE IT.
I know that people won't understand. I will probably be seen as the bad guy. The unforgiving friend holding a grudge. But if that's what it takes for me to watch my own back, and be happy, then so be it. I have an amazing family, and a good life. There have been struggles, but there is NO NEED to pile more crap onto what's happened in the past.
I am given a past to LEARN from it! Not to make it happen all over again! I'm going to be strong this time. Again, some won't understand, and they will be quick to judge me. There will be haters, and sides will be drawn. But I can't do it again. I can't go through the gut-wrenching, heart-shredding pain that should NEVER come from a friend.... Yes. I will be judged. I will be seen as the mean one.
SO BE IT. I HAVE TO MAKE IT.
Friday, January 6, 2012
2.0.1.2.
So... the Mayans seemed to have run out of room on their calendar long ago.... ending it at 2012. Well, guess I'd better make this year the best then, hmmm??
Happy New Year! I can honestly say I had a fantastic New Year's Eve :) I spent it with two of my favorite people in Downtown SLC, one of my favorite places. EVE SLC was super fun :)
The party wasn't bad... but it definitely wasn't my scene. I'm not much of a crowds person... unless it's a concert. A GOOD concert. Hanna and Robin made it fun :) And we got to see an awesome fireworks show... well... part of it. We scrambled out of there as fast as we could to beat the traffic. Oh, the cleverness of me!
I also must mention that I enjoyed the Christmas season! There was a lot of good food, good company, and good times :) My family is amazing and I love them. I was grateful that we could ALL be together for Christmas!
2011 was a pretty good year.... it had its ups and downs... but I made it!!!!!
In a nutshell... the first six months were boring.... THEN!
My best friend moved away, my roommate moved out, I found 3 roommates, kicked one out, then the other, gained a 'sister', lost a 'sister' (still struggling with this), hit some of the lowest times in my life, and had some of the greatest, got new couches, hit my 2 year mark at work, paid off a lot of debt, went to Arizona, California, Wyoming, St. George, spent time with my family and love them even more, and learned a lot of lessons!
I'm so grateful for my life. And I'm grateful to those who stuck through 2011 with me!
Happy Happy New Year!
Happy New Year! I can honestly say I had a fantastic New Year's Eve :) I spent it with two of my favorite people in Downtown SLC, one of my favorite places. EVE SLC was super fun :)
The party wasn't bad... but it definitely wasn't my scene. I'm not much of a crowds person... unless it's a concert. A GOOD concert. Hanna and Robin made it fun :) And we got to see an awesome fireworks show... well... part of it. We scrambled out of there as fast as we could to beat the traffic. Oh, the cleverness of me!
I also must mention that I enjoyed the Christmas season! There was a lot of good food, good company, and good times :) My family is amazing and I love them. I was grateful that we could ALL be together for Christmas!
2011 was a pretty good year.... it had its ups and downs... but I made it!!!!!
In a nutshell... the first six months were boring.... THEN!
My best friend moved away, my roommate moved out, I found 3 roommates, kicked one out, then the other, gained a 'sister', lost a 'sister' (still struggling with this), hit some of the lowest times in my life, and had some of the greatest, got new couches, hit my 2 year mark at work, paid off a lot of debt, went to Arizona, California, Wyoming, St. George, spent time with my family and love them even more, and learned a lot of lessons!
I'm so grateful for my life. And I'm grateful to those who stuck through 2011 with me!
Happy Happy New Year!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thursday... the Turkey Day that really has NOTHING to do with the Turkey :)
This Thursday is Thanksgiving.... so I figured I should submit a post on what I'm thankful for.... Flying cars, world peace, unlimited amounts of food that won't make you fat... Oh. Wait. That's in my fantasy world. Reality has yet to catch up. :)
Life has been hectic the last month or so. I know, I always say that. But I have felt like all the emotions I could ever feel in a lifetime were crammed into September, October, and November. Blech. I have never laughed so much, cried so much, screamed so much, slept so much. But, with all the struggles that I have been through, my list of blessings is longer than ever.
I am so so so so very thankful for my family. My mom and dad are AMAZING. Our relationship isn't perfect. Far from, actually. But compared to where we were two or three Thanksgivings ago..... there's no comparison. I think the difference in where we are now is that we have all forgiven the past. There's nothing holding us back from moving forward. I can truly enjoy time with my sisters now. Morgan came home this last week, and I spent an evening with her, as well as Shane, and mom and dad. Even though we only chatted for a couple of hours, it was FUN. There wasn't any arguing, or tension... well, besides my frustration at trying to explain to Mom how to use her new iPhone. I love spending time with Morgan and Savannah, and of course, Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty. We have had struggles in the past, most of the time pitting me against my family. Sometimes, I still feel like the odd one out, but that's because I'm a redhead, a braniac.... thus better looking AND better thinking. HA!
I'm not just blessed to have a wonderful immediate family, but an extended family as well. I don't know where I would be without Becky and Kevin, and I thank God daily that I have such wonderful 'second parents.' I come from an AWESOME family. "Nuff Said." My cousins are really my best friends. They've seen it all with me, and they love me none the less. It's nice to have friends who you don't have to explain everything too. They know all about the crazy (and wonderful) aunts and uncles I have, because those people are their parents. It's been hard these last few years, having a lot of my closest cousins gone on their missions. (Tia, Sky, Josh, Taylor). But I am SO happy for them, and I'll be glad when the old 'gang' can all go out and wreak havoc once again!
I look around and see how many people are desperately looking for jobs. I have to say that I am beyond blessed to have my job. There are times when I hate the hours, and I complain. Or I say the pay is too low (IT IS) and I complain. Sometimes, my ladies make me want to take out my own eyeballs with a rusted spoon, and I complain. But, when all is said and done, I have a wonderful job. I work with great staff, and I love my ladies with all of my heart. Over the past two years I have come to see beyond their disabilities, and see them for who they truly are. They make me laugh more often than not. I love having a job where I can help people, and hey! Who wouldn't want to get paid to go to movies and go out to eat?!
I used to put a lot of stock in friendships. At times, I stupidly gave up my time, goals, etc... to the wrong friends. I have come to learn that 'Friends for Life' are VERY rare, and hardly apply to the people you meet in high school, or later in life. I've had a lot of bad friends. They weren't bad people, but I wasn't a good person when I was around them.... But I don't mean to be negative. I just mean to say that I am grateful that I have...no...AM.... learning the value of friendship, and the value of a GOOD friend. I am learning to let go. I am happy to see so many of my friends getting married, having kids, and so on. It's crazy to think that Lexi B's engaged, that Shailey's a mom. They are paving paths that I will travel down some day. They are living their lives, and I am living mine.
Still in the friendship mode, I have to insert a special note for a special someone... or some people. In the past month or so, Allysa has been more of a Savior than ever. I love her with all of my heart, and I am so happy that she is finally finding the happiness she deserves. I hope her man with treat her like the queen she is. I miss her so much, but I think it makes the times we see each other even more special.
I made a decision back in July that changed my life more than I ever thought it would. Sometimes I have regretted it, sometimes I have hated myself for making the choice.... I'm just being honest. But now, I realize that in helping a friend, I was helping myself. Hanna has become like a sister to me. And, just as I do with my other sisters, I sometimes want to strangle her. But lately, she has been there when no one else was around. We have both had road bumps and obstacles in the last couple of months. I don't think I could have gotten through them without her. I have felt loss, really painful loss, and Hanna has been the only person who has known what to say, and how to help. I love her dearly, and even in the hard times, I can't regret that long drive down to Cedar City in July. Of course.... living with Hanna meant getting to know her boyfriend Robin, yet another blessing. Robin keeps us both sane. I have never met such a good guy. If Hanna's my sister, Robin's my brother. Being one of six girls... brother is a foreign word to me. But that's what he is. He has helped me through so much as well. The three of us are always doing something... whether it's taking someone to Trax, going to the Gateway, going grocery shopping (always a disaster), or just sitting around good ol' Apartment 9-V, talking. The two of them are perfect for each other, and they're perfect for me.
Right now, I'm happy with life. I have a good job, a great family, wonderful friends. I am getting to be where I want to be. I'm losing weight, I'm going to be starting school soon, I have a roommate I actually like.... yep. Life is good. I think the best part is that I'm not living life worrying about what my friends, or my family thinks. I am taking the steps to live a life that I can be truly happy with. Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Life has been hectic the last month or so. I know, I always say that. But I have felt like all the emotions I could ever feel in a lifetime were crammed into September, October, and November. Blech. I have never laughed so much, cried so much, screamed so much, slept so much. But, with all the struggles that I have been through, my list of blessings is longer than ever.
I am so so so so very thankful for my family. My mom and dad are AMAZING. Our relationship isn't perfect. Far from, actually. But compared to where we were two or three Thanksgivings ago..... there's no comparison. I think the difference in where we are now is that we have all forgiven the past. There's nothing holding us back from moving forward. I can truly enjoy time with my sisters now. Morgan came home this last week, and I spent an evening with her, as well as Shane, and mom and dad. Even though we only chatted for a couple of hours, it was FUN. There wasn't any arguing, or tension... well, besides my frustration at trying to explain to Mom how to use her new iPhone. I love spending time with Morgan and Savannah, and of course, Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty. We have had struggles in the past, most of the time pitting me against my family. Sometimes, I still feel like the odd one out, but that's because I'm a redhead, a braniac.... thus better looking AND better thinking. HA!
(Old Family Photo- Still My Favorite)
 |
| Another Old Photo- But With A Lot Of My 'Peeps' |
I used to put a lot of stock in friendships. At times, I stupidly gave up my time, goals, etc... to the wrong friends. I have come to learn that 'Friends for Life' are VERY rare, and hardly apply to the people you meet in high school, or later in life. I've had a lot of bad friends. They weren't bad people, but I wasn't a good person when I was around them.... But I don't mean to be negative. I just mean to say that I am grateful that I have...no...AM.... learning the value of friendship, and the value of a GOOD friend. I am learning to let go. I am happy to see so many of my friends getting married, having kids, and so on. It's crazy to think that Lexi B's engaged, that Shailey's a mom. They are paving paths that I will travel down some day. They are living their lives, and I am living mine.
Still in the friendship mode, I have to insert a special note for a special someone... or some people. In the past month or so, Allysa has been more of a Savior than ever. I love her with all of my heart, and I am so happy that she is finally finding the happiness she deserves. I hope her man with treat her like the queen she is. I miss her so much, but I think it makes the times we see each other even more special.
I made a decision back in July that changed my life more than I ever thought it would. Sometimes I have regretted it, sometimes I have hated myself for making the choice.... I'm just being honest. But now, I realize that in helping a friend, I was helping myself. Hanna has become like a sister to me. And, just as I do with my other sisters, I sometimes want to strangle her. But lately, she has been there when no one else was around. We have both had road bumps and obstacles in the last couple of months. I don't think I could have gotten through them without her. I have felt loss, really painful loss, and Hanna has been the only person who has known what to say, and how to help. I love her dearly, and even in the hard times, I can't regret that long drive down to Cedar City in July. Of course.... living with Hanna meant getting to know her boyfriend Robin, yet another blessing. Robin keeps us both sane. I have never met such a good guy. If Hanna's my sister, Robin's my brother. Being one of six girls... brother is a foreign word to me. But that's what he is. He has helped me through so much as well. The three of us are always doing something... whether it's taking someone to Trax, going to the Gateway, going grocery shopping (always a disaster), or just sitting around good ol' Apartment 9-V, talking. The two of them are perfect for each other, and they're perfect for me.
 |
| The Three Amigos |
Right now, I'm happy with life. I have a good job, a great family, wonderful friends. I am getting to be where I want to be. I'm losing weight, I'm going to be starting school soon, I have a roommate I actually like.... yep. Life is good. I think the best part is that I'm not living life worrying about what my friends, or my family thinks. I am taking the steps to live a life that I can be truly happy with. Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
It Will ALL Work Out.
It's funny how life turns out... funny, and sad, and annoying, and frustrating, and heartbreaking, and wonderful and.... unexpected.
So much has been happening lately. I've felt like I've been stretched thin in a million places. I have felt like I couldn't catch a break, that just struggle after struggle kept popping up. I felt like crying all the time, and lashing out at people for just talking to me. It was affecting my home life, my relationships with my friends, and even my performance at work. I was grumpy, irritated, overly sensitive...... makes it sound like a pregnancy I know :P There were so many things going on in my life and in my head, and I didn't really talk to anyone about them. I still have many secrets :( It's not healthy, I know.
Last week.... something changed. I'm not sure what it was, or how it happened. I guess I made some realizations, and these ones actually stuck.
First off, I was constantly bitter at my friends because I felt like they just didn't care. I spent all my time worrying about them and wondering if they were ok, doing whatever I could to make them happy, and I felt ignored in return. So many people have told me that I should make new friends, and at the time, I was thinking I finally understood why. Then my thinking process changed. My friends have struggles too. They have burdens, worries, issues, and they confide in me about them. It doesn't mean their troubles are bigger than mine.... just different! How would they know how I was hurting if I didn't tell them? Knowing this has made parts of life a lot easier, and I've been able to talk to my friends with ease, and listen to them without bitterness.
The biggest change for me actually came when I was helping a friend. She was having a really bad night, and I was trying to find the right thing to say. I came across this quote:
It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will love worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.
Gordon B. Hinckley
This quote was perfect for my friend....but it was also perfect for ME! I had been stressing about so much, worrying all the time, so much so that I was sick all the time and losing weight (though the latter issue wasn't bad... it was just done in an unhealthy way). President Hinckley reminded me that sometimes things are beyond my control. I had forgotten what I'd been taught growing up. If I do my part, the Lord will do his. True, I still struggle from time to time, and occasionally feel incredibly overwhelmed (usually at night), but I'm not a mess anymore. I feel more stable, and I've actually been really level-headed, something I've missed. I'm laughing a lot more, and smiling all the time. I'm trying to find joy in the smallest of things. If I'm making the right choices, and trying to put myself on the right path, the Lord will open doors. Things will be OK... with my friends, with my family, with my SELF.
IT WILL ALL WORK OUT <3
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Leader of the Band
Tonight isn't such a good night.... I feel a little lost. I know that the path I'm on is the right one.... but it makes me sort of second guess, and sometimes, regret past choices.
I remember when I was little, and when I was growing up, I was a leader. I was smart, funny, and while I wasn't the prettiest, I knew how to capture a crowd. Knowing all the answers at church helped. I was a favorite among the younger girls when I was at Girl's Camp. My family adored me, and I was the favorite niece among many aunts and uncles. (That last one hasn't changed :P)
These days, that is definitely NOT the case. Some people say I'm a leader.... but it's not for the same reasons. I feel like some people around me only follow because I have the car, the apartment, and sometimes the money. That's not being a leader! I don't want to be that kind of leader. I won't lead by not giving a crap what others think. Some people think that's healthy and cool, but in the end, you're the one losing. I won't lead by devoting my time, energy, money, and basically my life to others, either.
I really think a true leader cares what others think, but only to an extent. They care, but they won't bend from who they truly are. They are the perfect balance. I used to be that way. Now? I don't know. I know I'm on the right path, but I have to change so much. I've developed habits, and it's hard to change them. A lot of people have thought that I'm a pushover, and that people take advantage of me. That is NOT the case. I was always the one offering. I was always giving and providing. So why would the receivers think anything is wrong? They weren't demanding, and they only started asking after I continuously offered. That's not me being a pushover. But that is me dealing with some serious thinking errors.
I'm not to that perfect balance yet. I'm leaning more on that side of caring too much what others think about me. I'm very quiet in rowdy situations, because I'm worried about what the public will think of me if I don't say something, and I'm worried about what the rowdy friend will think if I do say something. Ugh. It's complicated. Overall, I realized that sometimes, you have to leave behind the people who will hold you back. It sucks, but it's worth it.
I'm getting there. To that balance. And I'm going to be the person I know God intended me to be. If I lead, great. But I'm not going to follow. No thank you.
I remember when I was little, and when I was growing up, I was a leader. I was smart, funny, and while I wasn't the prettiest, I knew how to capture a crowd. Knowing all the answers at church helped. I was a favorite among the younger girls when I was at Girl's Camp. My family adored me, and I was the favorite niece among many aunts and uncles. (That last one hasn't changed :P)
These days, that is definitely NOT the case. Some people say I'm a leader.... but it's not for the same reasons. I feel like some people around me only follow because I have the car, the apartment, and sometimes the money. That's not being a leader! I don't want to be that kind of leader. I won't lead by not giving a crap what others think. Some people think that's healthy and cool, but in the end, you're the one losing. I won't lead by devoting my time, energy, money, and basically my life to others, either.
I really think a true leader cares what others think, but only to an extent. They care, but they won't bend from who they truly are. They are the perfect balance. I used to be that way. Now? I don't know. I know I'm on the right path, but I have to change so much. I've developed habits, and it's hard to change them. A lot of people have thought that I'm a pushover, and that people take advantage of me. That is NOT the case. I was always the one offering. I was always giving and providing. So why would the receivers think anything is wrong? They weren't demanding, and they only started asking after I continuously offered. That's not me being a pushover. But that is me dealing with some serious thinking errors.
I'm not to that perfect balance yet. I'm leaning more on that side of caring too much what others think about me. I'm very quiet in rowdy situations, because I'm worried about what the public will think of me if I don't say something, and I'm worried about what the rowdy friend will think if I do say something. Ugh. It's complicated. Overall, I realized that sometimes, you have to leave behind the people who will hold you back. It sucks, but it's worth it.
I'm getting there. To that balance. And I'm going to be the person I know God intended me to be. If I lead, great. But I'm not going to follow. No thank you.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Contentment
Well it's been a little while since my last post. A lot has happened.
As obvious from my last posts, I went to California. When I first came back home, I was high on Cali life. All I wanted to do was go back. I was making plans to move and go to school there, and leave my life in Utah behind. But in the last few weeks, I have realized something. I'm happy here in Utah. Utah is my home. I have been born and raised here. My family and dearest friends are here. True, Utah has crazy weather, crazy drivers, and at times, crazy people. But, for now, this is where I am making my home. I'm going to school down at UVU in the spring to be on my way to owning my own recording studio.... YIPPEE... :)
Speaking of home, I signed my first lease this week!!!! YAYYYYY!!! I actually stayed at the same place I've been living for the last 10 months, and I just signed a new lease with a new roommate. Hanna has been living with me, so she's roommate number one. Times have been tough sometimes.... but she's like my sister. We can joke and laugh and sleep and play and swim and tan and do our makeup and our hair and go out and yeah.... it's fun. My other roommate is Matt :) Sweetest guy in the world. He made Hanna and I breakfast this morning: gourmet style <3 We're like our own little family. Now...? All we need is furniture hehe
My life is good right now. I had a great talk with my parents last night and was open with things that have been going on in my life. I will just say this: My parents ROCK. Mom and dad.... I love you. Always. My relationships with my friends are awesome.... while I've distanced myself from some people I don't regret it. I want to be around people who lift me up. Hanna and Matt aren't just roommates... they're my friends. I love sitting and laughing with them, and Shailey of course. OH how I love my Shay Shay. We may fight like crazy, but we get through it. My job is great, and I've picked up more hours, meaning MORE MONEYYY! I'm kinda seeing this cute boy :) We've got A LOT to work on... and I'm not sure where it will go.... but for now...? I like him <3 I've got a great place to live, great job, great family, and great friends. I'm livin, laughin, and lovin!
So far, I'm in love with the month of August :)
As obvious from my last posts, I went to California. When I first came back home, I was high on Cali life. All I wanted to do was go back. I was making plans to move and go to school there, and leave my life in Utah behind. But in the last few weeks, I have realized something. I'm happy here in Utah. Utah is my home. I have been born and raised here. My family and dearest friends are here. True, Utah has crazy weather, crazy drivers, and at times, crazy people. But, for now, this is where I am making my home. I'm going to school down at UVU in the spring to be on my way to owning my own recording studio.... YIPPEE... :)
Speaking of home, I signed my first lease this week!!!! YAYYYYY!!! I actually stayed at the same place I've been living for the last 10 months, and I just signed a new lease with a new roommate. Hanna has been living with me, so she's roommate number one. Times have been tough sometimes.... but she's like my sister. We can joke and laugh and sleep and play and swim and tan and do our makeup and our hair and go out and yeah.... it's fun. My other roommate is Matt :) Sweetest guy in the world. He made Hanna and I breakfast this morning: gourmet style <3 We're like our own little family. Now...? All we need is furniture hehe
My life is good right now. I had a great talk with my parents last night and was open with things that have been going on in my life. I will just say this: My parents ROCK. Mom and dad.... I love you. Always. My relationships with my friends are awesome.... while I've distanced myself from some people I don't regret it. I want to be around people who lift me up. Hanna and Matt aren't just roommates... they're my friends. I love sitting and laughing with them, and Shailey of course. OH how I love my Shay Shay. We may fight like crazy, but we get through it. My job is great, and I've picked up more hours, meaning MORE MONEYYY! I'm kinda seeing this cute boy :) We've got A LOT to work on... and I'm not sure where it will go.... but for now...? I like him <3 I've got a great place to live, great job, great family, and great friends. I'm livin, laughin, and lovin!
So far, I'm in love with the month of August :)
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I'll Be Leaving My Heart in San Fransisco- Day 3
Yesterday..... Was AMAZZZZZIIIIINNNNGGGGG!!!!
Allysa was a wittle sweepyhead and slept in until about noon, so I lounged around for most of the morning. We went through the now routine process of getting ready, and headed out the door to Fremont at about 2. I have gotten the swing of using BART, and I love riding the train. Allysa and I love people watching on the train too. We pulled into Embarcadero Station around 3:00, and again, my heart skipped a couple beats. I know it's totally cheesy, but coming up the escalator onto Market Street, surroun;ded by street vendors, and shadowed by skyscrapers, I fell in love all over again. That's all I'll say about it. Haha.
Llysa and I walked around the indoor marketplace on Embarcadero and Market. There were pastry shops, artisan cheese stands, meat markets, organic grocery shops, all stuffed into one building. So much fun. Allysa couldn't have most of the stuff there, due to food allergies, so we went to the Plant Cafe Organic. She got some nassstttyyy drink,(What can I say? Organic and I have never seen eye to eye...) and some banana bread that didn't taste half bad.
We were able to meet up with Liz and Teran for a little bit, and found them attempting to donate to an organization.... but the guy wouldn't shut up! It was kind of funny to watch. We walked with them to their car, and said adios as they left to go see Harry Potter (Ooohhh the jealousy!).
Allysa and I headed to Pier 39, just enjoying the weather.... well, I don't know if Llysa was.... and I was very surprised and happy to meet up with our other friend Stephanie! Who would've though we'd all see each other in San Fran, since we all met in Utah! Haha. The rest of the evening was spent shopping around Pier 39, and around all the other shops along the bay. We got super hyper, and I swear we were going to get kicked out of the Ghirardelli store, where I bought my daddy some chocolate. We loved dancing to all the music the street musicians played, and watching the various street artists. We were watching one of those groups that can paint incredible pictures in minutes using spraypaint, and Steph and Llysa got free paintings for dancing with the artists. It was awesome! We said goodbye to Steph, and I was sad to see the evening winding down.
I was able to get all my souvenir shopping done for my family and Shay Shay (Bryson included!). I got a yummy crepe at Pier 39, and we watched a cool fire dancer, then Allysa and I headed back to the train station. The night was really cold, but it was awesome to see that the city was still alive. True, there weren't as many people, but in Salt Lake, shops wouldn't be open at 11 at night. No way. Allysa and I were even more tired than we had been on Wednesday, and we didn't say much. We just did more people watching on the train. When we got home, Allysa Skyped with her boyfriend, and I pretty much passed out.
I really hope that someday I can move here. I'd love to live in the heart of San Fransisco.... but I'll do what I can afford. Today Llysa and I are spending the day in Santa Cruz, and from the way Llysa talks about it.... I can't wait!!!!! Tomorrow I head home :( I won't think about that now. I'm just going to enjoy today!!
Allysa was a wittle sweepyhead and slept in until about noon, so I lounged around for most of the morning. We went through the now routine process of getting ready, and headed out the door to Fremont at about 2. I have gotten the swing of using BART, and I love riding the train. Allysa and I love people watching on the train too. We pulled into Embarcadero Station around 3:00, and again, my heart skipped a couple beats. I know it's totally cheesy, but coming up the escalator onto Market Street, surroun;ded by street vendors, and shadowed by skyscrapers, I fell in love all over again. That's all I'll say about it. Haha.
Llysa and I walked around the indoor marketplace on Embarcadero and Market. There were pastry shops, artisan cheese stands, meat markets, organic grocery shops, all stuffed into one building. So much fun. Allysa couldn't have most of the stuff there, due to food allergies, so we went to the Plant Cafe Organic. She got some nassstttyyy drink,(What can I say? Organic and I have never seen eye to eye...) and some banana bread that didn't taste half bad.
We were able to meet up with Liz and Teran for a little bit, and found them attempting to donate to an organization.... but the guy wouldn't shut up! It was kind of funny to watch. We walked with them to their car, and said adios as they left to go see Harry Potter (Ooohhh the jealousy!).
Allysa and I headed to Pier 39, just enjoying the weather.... well, I don't know if Llysa was.... and I was very surprised and happy to meet up with our other friend Stephanie! Who would've though we'd all see each other in San Fran, since we all met in Utah! Haha. The rest of the evening was spent shopping around Pier 39, and around all the other shops along the bay. We got super hyper, and I swear we were going to get kicked out of the Ghirardelli store, where I bought my daddy some chocolate. We loved dancing to all the music the street musicians played, and watching the various street artists. We were watching one of those groups that can paint incredible pictures in minutes using spraypaint, and Steph and Llysa got free paintings for dancing with the artists. It was awesome! We said goodbye to Steph, and I was sad to see the evening winding down.
I was able to get all my souvenir shopping done for my family and Shay Shay (Bryson included!). I got a yummy crepe at Pier 39, and we watched a cool fire dancer, then Allysa and I headed back to the train station. The night was really cold, but it was awesome to see that the city was still alive. True, there weren't as many people, but in Salt Lake, shops wouldn't be open at 11 at night. No way. Allysa and I were even more tired than we had been on Wednesday, and we didn't say much. We just did more people watching on the train. When we got home, Allysa Skyped with her boyfriend, and I pretty much passed out.
I really hope that someday I can move here. I'd love to live in the heart of San Fransisco.... but I'll do what I can afford. Today Llysa and I are spending the day in Santa Cruz, and from the way Llysa talks about it.... I can't wait!!!!! Tomorrow I head home :( I won't think about that now. I'm just going to enjoy today!!
Friday, July 15, 2011
I'll Be Leaving My Heart In San Fransisco- Day 2
Another Sunny Day In Californ-i-ayyyyy....
I honestly feel high out here. I'm so happy. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's because I'm with my best friend. Some people call us a couple, some call us sisters. Our relationship is hard to describe. Just to put everyone's concerns to rest.... we are NOT a couple haha. But I love her with all of my heart. Allysa knows the real me. She understands me and and loves me the way I am. I have loved spending every moment with her here, talking to her about everything. She's amazing.
Yesterday was more of a quiet day. I slept in until about 11, and Allysa was babysitting until about 3. So I just lounged around, and rubbed out my sore legs. When she came home from work, we made a run to Taco Bell for my empty grumbling tummy.... and then started getting ready. I love getting dressed up with Llysa because it takes sooo long, and it's so fun. Doing hair, makeup, everything. She makes me look good haha.
At about 6 we left for Redwood City to see..... LIZZZZZZ!!!!! She had invited us to her and Teran's commitment ceremony, and I was sooo excited!! The drive was about 30 minutes, and Llysa and I just listened to great music. We finally got to the park, and I FINALLY got to meet Teran. I was so happy to see Liz again. Oh how I have missed that girl. The ceremony was cute and to the point, with Teran and Liz exchanging vows, lighting a unity candle, and the family and friends tying knots to their handfasting rope. After the ceremony, we went to Applebee's. Liz says her family liked me. Yay!!!! It was super fun to be with Allysa and Liz, and just talking like we used to. I am grateful to be able to talk to Liz via text or phone or xbox(haha) but in person? There's no contest there!
Allysa and I headed home around 9:30 pm, with plans to meet Liz and Teran in SF the next day (being today). A super relaxed and fun day. I enjoyed it. I loved catching up with Liz, meeting Teran, and falling in love with more of California. <3
Now for more adventures in San Fransisco!!!!
I honestly feel high out here. I'm so happy. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's because I'm with my best friend. Some people call us a couple, some call us sisters. Our relationship is hard to describe. Just to put everyone's concerns to rest.... we are NOT a couple haha. But I love her with all of my heart. Allysa knows the real me. She understands me and and loves me the way I am. I have loved spending every moment with her here, talking to her about everything. She's amazing.
Yesterday was more of a quiet day. I slept in until about 11, and Allysa was babysitting until about 3. So I just lounged around, and rubbed out my sore legs. When she came home from work, we made a run to Taco Bell for my empty grumbling tummy.... and then started getting ready. I love getting dressed up with Llysa because it takes sooo long, and it's so fun. Doing hair, makeup, everything. She makes me look good haha.
At about 6 we left for Redwood City to see..... LIZZZZZZ!!!!! She had invited us to her and Teran's commitment ceremony, and I was sooo excited!! The drive was about 30 minutes, and Llysa and I just listened to great music. We finally got to the park, and I FINALLY got to meet Teran. I was so happy to see Liz again. Oh how I have missed that girl. The ceremony was cute and to the point, with Teran and Liz exchanging vows, lighting a unity candle, and the family and friends tying knots to their handfasting rope. After the ceremony, we went to Applebee's. Liz says her family liked me. Yay!!!! It was super fun to be with Allysa and Liz, and just talking like we used to. I am grateful to be able to talk to Liz via text or phone or xbox(haha) but in person? There's no contest there!
Allysa and I headed home around 9:30 pm, with plans to meet Liz and Teran in SF the next day (being today). A super relaxed and fun day. I enjoyed it. I loved catching up with Liz, meeting Teran, and falling in love with more of California. <3
Now for more adventures in San Fransisco!!!!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I'll Be Leaving My Heart In San Fransisco - Day 1
Wow... that's all I can say. I LOVE IT HERE.
I left Salt Lake around 12:30 on Tuesday. Everyone I talked to was terrified about me driving on my own. "Call me if you get tired." "Stop for lots of breaks." "If you start dozing, PULL OVER." Come on. I can play Halo until 5 am and wake up four hours later. Sleep? Who does that these days?! The drive was awesome. Although the scenery was sometime monotonous, I loved driving through the mountains, and passing Tahoe and Donner Lake. It was awesome to just jam out to music and drive. I had a lot of thinking time. I love thinking time. The best part? I cut an hour and half out of my drive. The Worst part? I got a freaking speeding ticket from a cranky California cop. Even if I DID deserve it.... GRRRRRR!!!!! Allysa and I had a wonderful reunion, and even though I was freaking out about a misplaced wallet.... I am SO happy to be with her and spending every day with her. I was super tired though and passed out the minute I laid down.
Wednesday morning, I woke up to an empty house. Allysa had gone over to her aunt and uncles house to babysit. She also informed me that she had found my wallet. I was soooo relieved. She picked me up and took me over to the house, where I met her grandparents and two of her cute nephews. She watched them for a little while, and we made plans to go to San Fransisco for the day. Her grandma let her leave early so we could spend the day there :)
We went home and got all dolled up and cute (Allysa obviously defeating me in that department :P) and we went to the BART station. I must say.... I prefer BART over TRAX ANYDAY! (Sorry for all the capitals) I figured out the train system pretty fast, and we rode into San Francisco. The train was SUPER loud sometimes, and Allysa told me it was "the sound of the shrieking eels..." The station we pulled into, Embarcadero, was underground, so I had no idea what to expect. When we came up to ground level, I was instantly in love. There were tall buildings everwhere, and people everywhere! Street vendors, street musicians, skyscrapers, sirens, seagulls, honking, and just a few blocks away... the ocean.
Allysa and I spent the next 6 hours enjoying walking around the bay. We ate some AMAZING ice cream at Ghiradelli Square, ate lunch at Alcatrez Cafe, bought cute sunglasses at Pier 39, and took awesome pictures all along the way. We talked to some way cute guys playing their guitars (Poorboy Riot... Look them up on FB!), found an organic cafe that Allysa loved... and I couldn't get far enough away from. Haha.
By the end of the day, my feet were swelling up and threatening to fall off. It was getting dark, and we decided to head home. We walked all the way back to the station and caught the train. Llysa and I texted each other about the crazy people on the train, and just kind of relaxed. We finally got back to the house, and we were both exhausted.
Even though it was just my first day out in San Fransisco, I am in love. I love the vibe of that city, the cool people, the music everywhere, the night life, the day life, the shops, the food, EVERYTHING. San Fransisco seems to breathe on its own, and you can feel it. Ugh, it's a shame about the cost of living there. Otherwise, I'd bring all my stuff here now.
I will post pictures soon! Day 2 is still happening, with my reunion to my BELOVED ELIZABETH to happen tonight! YAYYYYY!
Friday, June 24, 2011
This Is Me :)
This week has had many ups, and some downs too. I've been crazy busy, and have also had lots of time to think. I've been going on walks every night, just me and my music. Ahh, how I love music :)
Some of my highlights this week:
Remember the friendship I lost a few weeks back? Well.... it's on the mend :) So I guess loss wasn't the right word.... temporarily put on hold. I'm not sure what will happen. When you're closer than close to someone, you have great power to hurt them if you choose to. When things are said, and the hurt is there, it's hard to come back.... but I love her, and we know what made our friendship go sour. Changes are happening.
On Wednesday, I was soooo excited to have my sisters come over. I remember when I was younger, Savannah and Morgan and I would have a girls night every once in a while. No parents. Usually just a movie, ice cream, and us talking. It's a little harder to do with the three girls and Lexie, but it's a girls night nonetheless. We played in the pool for most of the afternoon (my neck is still sore from swimming from Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty hanging onto me while I swam). Since my roommate has been packing up stuff, we had a picnic outside for dinner. Minus my roommate packing, I planned the day pretty well! I miss spending time with my sisters, and it was good to talk to them, and watch my adorable little neice.
My roommate's packing has been pretty fun. I've been preparing to go shopping for all the stuff I'm going to need when she leaves. (Everything in the living room and kitchen belonged to her.) BUT! As she is downsizing, she's leaving A LOT behind. She gave me a bunch of kitchen stuff, the microwave, and is selling me her washer and dryer for CHEAP! I'm soo excited to be in charge of my own place, and to find the roommate I know I'd get along with :P
Due to the fact that most of my friends are out of state, mainly in California (and Wyoming), I have had a lot of thinking and along time to myself. I've made realizations, both good and bad. I've come to realize that some people are VERY good at telling you what you want to hear, even when their actions scream the opposite. I have re-discovered that the true friends are the ones who aren't afraid to call you out on your crap.I don't need people who don't need me.
I am NOT going to change my attitude, my looks, my values, my life... just so other people can approve. I am who I am. This is me :) My name is Jasmine. I go by Jazz, Jazzy, Jazz-Meister, Jazzy-Fizzle... and Kimo Sabe (thanks to Allysa). I love to do things for other people. I am a huge fan of laughing and teasing. FAMILY IS MY LIFE. MUSIC IS MY PASSION, I love to make new friends. I value honesty more than you know. I have an awesome family and great friends. I know I say that a lot, but it's the truth!
This is me. You don't like it? That's OK. There are other people out in the world who match your style. Please move on :)
Some of my highlights this week:
Remember the friendship I lost a few weeks back? Well.... it's on the mend :) So I guess loss wasn't the right word.... temporarily put on hold. I'm not sure what will happen. When you're closer than close to someone, you have great power to hurt them if you choose to. When things are said, and the hurt is there, it's hard to come back.... but I love her, and we know what made our friendship go sour. Changes are happening.
On Wednesday, I was soooo excited to have my sisters come over. I remember when I was younger, Savannah and Morgan and I would have a girls night every once in a while. No parents. Usually just a movie, ice cream, and us talking. It's a little harder to do with the three girls and Lexie, but it's a girls night nonetheless. We played in the pool for most of the afternoon (my neck is still sore from swimming from Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty hanging onto me while I swam). Since my roommate has been packing up stuff, we had a picnic outside for dinner. Minus my roommate packing, I planned the day pretty well! I miss spending time with my sisters, and it was good to talk to them, and watch my adorable little neice.
My roommate's packing has been pretty fun. I've been preparing to go shopping for all the stuff I'm going to need when she leaves. (Everything in the living room and kitchen belonged to her.) BUT! As she is downsizing, she's leaving A LOT behind. She gave me a bunch of kitchen stuff, the microwave, and is selling me her washer and dryer for CHEAP! I'm soo excited to be in charge of my own place, and to find the roommate I know I'd get along with :P
Due to the fact that most of my friends are out of state, mainly in California (and Wyoming), I have had a lot of thinking and along time to myself. I've made realizations, both good and bad. I've come to realize that some people are VERY good at telling you what you want to hear, even when their actions scream the opposite. I have re-discovered that the true friends are the ones who aren't afraid to call you out on your crap.I don't need people who don't need me.
I am NOT going to change my attitude, my looks, my values, my life... just so other people can approve. I am who I am. This is me :) My name is Jasmine. I go by Jazz, Jazzy, Jazz-Meister, Jazzy-Fizzle... and Kimo Sabe (thanks to Allysa). I love to do things for other people. I am a huge fan of laughing and teasing. FAMILY IS MY LIFE. MUSIC IS MY PASSION, I love to make new friends. I value honesty more than you know. I have an awesome family and great friends. I know I say that a lot, but it's the truth!
This is me. You don't like it? That's OK. There are other people out in the world who match your style. Please move on :)
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