A Little Tidying Up

I have noticed that all the blogs I follow have a certain theme. As I've read all my previous posts, I notice that I'm a little scatterbrained. I write about all sorts of things. So I've decided to organize my thoughts a little better. This blog will be devoted to three things: my weight loss, my search for Tanya, and my photography.

First off, my total weight loss so far is eight pounds. That's NOTHING! Honestly! And I haven't put forth as much effort as I possibly could. I tried doing no soda, and kind of gave up. Well, not entirely. I only have two or three sodas a week, as opposed to the one a day I used to be drinking. I have dropped down to one fast food run a week, and one nice meal. It's really hard. How pathetic is that?! Who has that kind of addiction?! At least I admit it, though, right? Well, I've decided that I need more strength than just my own. So, on March 12th, I'm going to the open casting call for the next season of The Biggest Loser! I am crossing my fingers that I can make it onto the show. I think it would be easier having someone who needs to lose as much weight as I do by my side. It's difficult to exercise with someone who is just shedding a few pounds. It would be nice to find someone who knows what I go through..... I hope and pray I'll make it.

Next, on the subject of my biological mother, Tanya Smith. No luck. Not even of sniff or whisper of where she might be. My mom gave me all of the letters from Tanya when I was a baby, along with all the information from my adoption. None of it revealed very much. Tanya's dad died shortly after I was born, so I looked for obituaries with the last name of Smith that had a surviving daughter named Tanya. No hits. I looked for majors in photojournalism, and again found nothing. My last option is to request Tanya's identifying information from LDSFS. Other than that, I'm stumped.


Lastly, my photography. I am hoping to purchase a new camera at the end of March. An SLR. I did a photo shoot sort of thing with Kara to help her build a modeling portfolio. I really got some good shots, and I'd like to make more of a hobby out of photography. I'm really good at it! And I'm not bragging. I really enjoy it too. Here's one of my favorite photos of Kara. And then one I took of my West Ridge Soccer Team.

 

We'll See What Happens....

It's been a weird couple of weeks. I have had some great ups and some awful downs. I want to write this post on the topic of one of the lows. I was in my bathroom the other day, putting on my makeup and picking out my favorite accessory.... EARRINGS. Aside from my enthusiasm on that last part, I stopped and looked at myself. I realized that I have SO much that needs changing. I was becoming someone I swore I would never become. I had a good cry, pouted for a little while, and decided to not let it really get to me. But I made a promise to myself. I am going to change things. No excuses. No apologies. I am done hating what I look like and doing nothing about it. There's a lot to offer underneath it all!

So that day, almost a week ago, I decided to start a much needed process of change. No more soda. No more fast food. VERY limited amounts of sugar. So far, I have caved once with a cup of soda, twice with a run to a fast food joint, and almost every day with sugar. I know, I suck. But I'm not going to give up. I want to lose sixty pounds by May, and one hundred and ten pounds by the end of the year. And I have a lot of support, but I know I have to do it on my own. I hope I can. I know it will help my opinion of myself immensely. Wish me luck!!

Love in Unlikely Places

This week has pretty much murdered me. As I sit here posting this blog, my eyes are puffy, my nose stuff, and my hair.... actually I showered a little while ago so it's not dirty and messed up. But I'm not kidding about the eyes and nose part....

When most people meet me, I'm quiet and when  I do speak up, I just crack jokes. I'm cynical, sarcastic, and brutal on myself. My best friend has compared the wall she puts up around her heart to the Berlin Wall. I have a wall, but it doesn't have any long-range defense mechanisms. I don't shoot people down when they enter my life. I just allow them to meander across the plain, and when they get to the 'wall,' that's it. They stay there. It's like Rapunzel's Tower. If they choose to wait a few years (or milennia) they might find the secret door. But even then they have to make the long climb up the endless flight of stairs, and yeah... hopefully you get the point.

Anyways, with stresses like losing my college grant due to failing a class, and financial worries, I have really been beating myself up. I have felt totally hopeless, and completely worthless. I get teary-eyed writing about it. I could write all the things, I tell myself, but believe me when I say I hold nothing back in my self-massacre. 

All of the sudden, just when I felt something close to what I was feeling in my darker days a few years ago, I found a light at the end of my dark tunnel. The first glimmer came from my mom, who has become an 'iron rod' in my life. When I told her about my grant loss, I received this text :

"My job isn't to lecture you, but to love you always, and I DO."

That really lifted my spirits, and I owe my mom big. The next ray of light also came from her. While I was at work, she called me, exclaiming that she had found quite a few letters from my birth mother. While she read them to me, I can't explain what happened. I felt a new connection with Tanya. She apparently wore glasses, she was tall, and had had initially chosen to major in psychology and social work.... she later switched to photojournalism, because she loves to write and take photos. I also learned that as a child, I looked more like my father. Through her letters, I felt so much love from my mother by birth, and it has renewed my ambition to find her. 

The last ray of light that led me out of my tunnel of sorts, came from an unlikely source. I have lately confided a lot in a girl at work, Kelsey. She and Kara know how to get me talking. Hah. Anyways, I was having a rough day the other day, and Kelsey offered to burn me a CD of songs she likes to listen to when she needs to think about things. I was so excited, and very surprised when she surprised me with 6 CDs!!! She said she found so many songs and decided to give them all to me. Most surprising of all was when she handed me a letter with the CDs. I read the letter while I sat in my parked car, listening to the music. Kelsey really gave me a wake up call with the way I look at myself, and I felt incredibly touched, as she is one of the people I admire most in my life.

I realize that I have a lot to change in my life. I'm tired of beating myself up constantly and relentlessly, and still not changing a thing. 2011 will hopefully see the end of my old self and the beginning of my new self. I'm terrified, anxious, excited, and interested to see where this journey will take me. I hope to discover even more love in unlikely places.

Resolutions....Yikes

It's 2011.... 20 years ago this year I came into the world. Poor World :P Well, as is custom for ever beginning to a new year, I have made some resolutions. To be honest, I SUCK at sticking to resolutions.... but we'll see how this year goes:

1. Lose 100 lbs.... crazy right?! But I'm going to do it. I'm tired of envying EVERY single one of my friends, wishing I looked like them. I'm gonna be good looking by the end of the year. I hope. Oops hold on, let me finish my Big Mac over here.....

2. Get A's in every class for a semester. Folks, this hasn't been done since freshman and sophomore year... so about 2004-2005. But I know if I put my heart into school, at least a portion of my heart, maybe a sliver.... yeah I can do it!

3. Go on a trip. I'm not talking to St. George (sorry sisters :P) I want to go to on a cruise, or to Europe, or a cruise TO Europe. For sure I'm going to take a road trip, hitting up Wyoming, Arizona then Cali to see all the friends I miss dearly. Lily's a good car. She'll make it!

4. Go on a date.... I'd really like to get asked out on ONE date by a guy this year. I guess I could accept an offer from a girl. JUST KIDDING!!!!! But the THREE dates I went on last year were set up by friends. No bueno. I need to socialize! Also part of this section: Make new friends, and keep up with the old.

5. I want to get busy with photography. I've almost got enough saved up to get the camera I want. I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!! I've taken some photos in the past that I've LOVED, and I really think I can go further. I want to be able to take photos of the teenagers I hope to help AFTER they've gone through therapy, or the program. I don't know, still working out that one.......

6. Last, but not least, I want to write three new songs by June. I don't know what they're going to be about, but they shall be legen.... wait for it..... DARY!!!!! (Name that show)

Happy New Year to everyone. This blog is going to be switching it up soon, as I'm going to blogging about certain topics all year round, as opposed to the scatter-brained entries that have been posted previously. Hope you all succeed in your resolutions!

Tis the Season....

Christmas is almost here! Wow! Just a quick post to say how grateful I am for my family! I have to most incredible family in the world! My friends are truly Heaven sent as well :)


My dad is absolutely wonderful. We've had our rough patches but I know, now matter what, he's my daddy. During the scariest points in my life (and there have been a few) my dad's been there, holding me or being near me.

Mom is the point of sanity in my world. She's calm and collected, but the most giving and affectionate person I will ever know. We have been through so much together, and I'll love her forever.

Although I don't see much of Morgan, Shane, and Lexie, I am able to keep up with them on Morgan's blog, and through texting her. Morgan is quite a woman! She's a mother, musician, and author! And Shane is an awesome husband and father. Lexie rules my world. Enough said.

Savannah has come to be one of my closest friends. She and I have different personalities, true, but we've gotten over our differences and look for the commonalities. She's amazing. I JUST WISH SHE HAD TEXTING!!!!!!

Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty are just the icing on the cake. They always bring a smile to my face, and whenever I need some extra lovin, I know where to look =)

I couldn't forget my second family either. I will never able to repay Aunt Becky and Uncle Kevin for what they've done for me. They helped me get where I am, with a car, an apartment, a job. At a time when I knew who I was FINALLY, but didn't know where to go next. They stepped in. Plus I can always count on Becky for a good back rub and a chat.... and Kevin for a good wrestling match.

And my friends.... I have had some in n out friends, but I am grateful one who've stuck through it with me. Brecken and I are going on 7 years! WOOT! She and I don't have to talk all the time, but we always just know... We're besties :) Liz, is my soulmate haha. She's my double in many ways, and I can always get a laugh when we talk. I miss her though! Shailey and I sometimes don't agree on things, but what can I say? She's a part of me, and always will be. Kara, I'm so grateful I get to see her at work every day. And play outside of work too! She's always there to listen, and talk too ;)

Thanks to all others in my life! You make me strong, teach me patience, and keep me going! Happy Holidays and always remember to live, laugh, and love!

So Many Emotions

I just have to say I am SO grateful that my mom chose to keep a baby book for me. I was talking to my friend Kara about it earlier today, and decided that I'd grab it and look through it. I haven't done that in a while. I've shed many tears tonight reading the letters from my parents, the blessings from Priesthood holders, and looking at the small projects I added myself. I found this excerpt from my mom's journal that she sent in a letter to my biological mom:

"When they handed her to me, I was speechless, and so overwhelmed with emotions that I just cried! We all cried! What a miracle, a true answer to our prayers!"

And upon reading through my baby book, I discovered something that has given me 'warm fuzzies' all night. I found a special letter written to me from my dad, obviously when I was still a tiny tot because he talks about my crying spell (which existed 24/7 for the first six months of my life). Here's some of what he wrote about it :

"You and I were both up till 5:00 AM. I wasn't very happy, but that was okay because you were just a little girl and I had to be patient with you. During the night of feeding I looked into your eyes and I could see the love coming from you. I felt a special bond beginning to grow between you and I that is hard for me to explain..."

Yep, from then on I was Daddy's Little Princess, and it brought me to tears to read this touching letter.


On another note, looking through the book, I kept noticing the same name in all the documents related to my adoption. The Social worker who worked my case. I typed his name into google, and guess what?! He has a blog that he is QUITE active on! I was so excited! So I emailed him, thanking him for helping my family so long ago. It was quite amazing, I have no idea why, but I feel like he is part of my life, just for helping me and my parents find each other. And who knows?! Maybe he'd be able to help me find Tawnya Smith!

I'm Still Reeling....

So.... About a week and a half ago, I was visiting my parents... as I like to do. My mom was in the other room on the phone, and I got to talking to my dad, which is something that rarely happens. We got onto the topic of my biological mother. I told my dad that I didn't want him or my mom to think that I didn't love them or see them as my parents, but I have questions! To my surprise, my dad was very supportive. He agreed with me! This was one of the first time in a while that my dad and I had a serious, deep conversation. He's a joker :P

Anyways, when my mom came back into the room, she joined the conversation, and gave me the shocker of a lifetime. She knows the name of my birth mom! It was insane. And something unexpected happened when she gave me the name; I broke down crying. I was sobbing. And my parents were right there with me. That's the way it's supposed to be. Finding the woman who gave me life with the support from the people who've helped make my life.

Well, since then, I've done a little digging. But Tawnya Smith isn't a super unique name! I can't find her yet, but you never know..... And I want to thank my parents. They are amazing people and I have an amazing family :D I wouldn't trade them for anything. The Widmer Family IS my family, and I'm just looking to answer some questions. Wish me luck!!


PS- Thanks also to Kara, who's an adoptee and a birth mom, and her birth mom, Jeannette. You guys have helped a lot! Thanks! I love you!