"To Wish You Were Someone Else Is To Waste The Person You Are."
I must admire the brilliance of Kurt Cobain. Not only was he a great musician, he was a great intellectual as well. I read this quote earlier this week, and it has been sticking with me. Lately, I have been hating who I am. I'm just going to be honest. I see the success of my friends, and my family, and people I don't even know, and I can't help but wish to trade places. Actually, I wouldn't wish my situation upon anyone, so I'd rather just BE them, no trading necessary. I don't mean to be a downer, but that's just the way things have been. I may be successful in work and school, but that is not all there is to living life.
I think of the song from Jewel "What You Are." It goes along the lines of "I give love to others, but I give myself hell." I am always encouraging my friends, telling them how amazing they are, seeing in them what they don't see in themselves. I will never call my friends ugly, or stupid (unless they truly deserve the title haha) and I'll NEVER ever discourage their ambitions and dreams. But.... it's quite the opposite story when people try to do that for me. I shun compliments, I keep my complaints to myself, and I rarely open up to people.
So, as I said before, that quote has been sticking with me. Some changes have been happening in my life. There have been deaths, the creation of life, moving away, moving back, everything. I have gained new friends, and lost old ones. Change is inevitable. And instead of wishing I were someone else, I am trying to "Be the change [I] see in the world".... or at least in other people. I'm trying to stop putting myself down, and I'm looking to make new friends, and be more adventurous. Hopefully I will be able to open up a little more and trust more than myself.
School is over, and I've gotten good grades! That's good thing #1! I'm losing weight at a consistent rate, and people have actually started commenting on it! It honestly never feels real when it's only myself noticing it. So that's good thing #2! I have amazing friends. One is always with me making me laugh, and another is always texting me, lifting me up. She even wrote a blog about me! I have more friends other places, but these two have been my lifeline to sanity.... or maybe it's insanity. Good thing #3! I have an incredible family, and I couldn't ask for more from them. Distance is hard (2 sisters living 4 hours away :/) but I do what I can. I think they might be getting sick of my phone calls. I am so blessed to have a tight knit extended family too. Good thing #4! I just got a letter from my cousin Josh in Portugal, and I've written letters to Skyler in Brasil and Taylor in Guatemala. Good thing #5!
I'm not going to wish I was someone else. I'm going to change myself into the person I know I can be. I'm going to love myself. Who knows? Maybe other people will some day be inspired by me!
:)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Back Again!
There really isn't a point to having a blog if I don't update it.... right? So, let me try to get back on track.
Life has been pretty hectic lately, in both good and bad ways.
School is over! Well, almost. I've got one more final to take tomorrow... oh wait, I guess it's today. But I got a B- in my Sociology class! Yay! Psychology shouldn't be too hard to pass, I've got a B so far as it is :D Compared to the 'E' I got in both classes last semester I am verrrry pleased with myself.
Work is going well! I've been at TKJ for over a year and half now, and I'm more in love with the ladies all the time. K is a riot. She's probably my favorite. She's got so much spunk and passion, and she always calls me and Kara "Sexy Legs." She hasn't been fond of me lately, but that's only because there's a new staff she's paying attention to. Haha. I hope. I really do love my job, I just wish it paid more. Then again, I don't know any individual who doesn't want a higher paying job!
Lately, I have actually been spending a ton of time with my friends. And I've been loving every single second of it. I hate to sound mean, but I love having single friends. My two best friends are just recently single, and it's been soooo nice not having to compete with their men just for a get together or a movie or something. I've been thinking about it, and Kara and Shailey are here, but all my other close friends? Out of state :/ NO BUENO!!!!!! So I'm making a goal to make some new friends. Being shy, it's going to be just a little difficult, but it will happen!
Honestly, it's hard keeping up with my blog because I'm not a very open person. I don't share all of my thoughts and desires and emotions on a web page. I'm just curious.... should I? Does a blog really have to be an online journal? I want to write so many things, but I worry about other people seeing how pathetic I truly am :P haha I don't want to voice my insecurities and worries, because there are people out there who have it worse. Sometimes I want to talk to no one in particular, just to vent. But I think in order for me to do that on a blog, I'd need to make the blog anonymous haha!
Let me know what you think... if anyone reads this!
Life has been pretty hectic lately, in both good and bad ways.
School is over! Well, almost. I've got one more final to take tomorrow... oh wait, I guess it's today. But I got a B- in my Sociology class! Yay! Psychology shouldn't be too hard to pass, I've got a B so far as it is :D Compared to the 'E' I got in both classes last semester I am verrrry pleased with myself.
Work is going well! I've been at TKJ for over a year and half now, and I'm more in love with the ladies all the time. K is a riot. She's probably my favorite. She's got so much spunk and passion, and she always calls me and Kara "Sexy Legs." She hasn't been fond of me lately, but that's only because there's a new staff she's paying attention to. Haha. I hope. I really do love my job, I just wish it paid more. Then again, I don't know any individual who doesn't want a higher paying job!
Lately, I have actually been spending a ton of time with my friends. And I've been loving every single second of it. I hate to sound mean, but I love having single friends. My two best friends are just recently single, and it's been soooo nice not having to compete with their men just for a get together or a movie or something. I've been thinking about it, and Kara and Shailey are here, but all my other close friends? Out of state :/ NO BUENO!!!!!! So I'm making a goal to make some new friends. Being shy, it's going to be just a little difficult, but it will happen!
Honestly, it's hard keeping up with my blog because I'm not a very open person. I don't share all of my thoughts and desires and emotions on a web page. I'm just curious.... should I? Does a blog really have to be an online journal? I want to write so many things, but I worry about other people seeing how pathetic I truly am :P haha I don't want to voice my insecurities and worries, because there are people out there who have it worse. Sometimes I want to talk to no one in particular, just to vent. But I think in order for me to do that on a blog, I'd need to make the blog anonymous haha!
Let me know what you think... if anyone reads this!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
What a Woman!
Today being her birthday, this blog goes out to my mom!
For nineteen years, my mom has been there for me! She has been there for my ups and downs, and for a few years, there were A LOT of downs! Mom and I haven't seen eye to eye all the time, and we still don't always agree, but I couldn't ask for a better mother.
When I was little, Mom was always there to pick me up when I fell. She encouraged me in all my dreams, and was supportive of my ambitions. My mom helped me excel in school, whether it was an accelerated reading program, accelerated class, skipping a grade and even specialized high school. She always told me I could be whatever I wanted, and do whatever I dreamed of doing! The woman even braved homeschooling me for a couple of years. That took guts, and endurance :P
Mom really inspired my love for music. I was learning the piano by age four, and Mom didn't stop at learning basic theory. I learned music history, and listened to classical for most of my childhood. Even though I fought with her at times about practicing, I'm so grateful mom taught me, and praised my talent. I remember laying in bed listening to her playing the piano, writing her words and lyrics to my favorite songs. She even wrote a song for me. Here's a line : "Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone, but miraculously, you're my own. Never forget, not even a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but in it." I fell asleep at night listening to her pour out her heart in song. Thank goodness for that. It has inspired me countless times ever since.
She defended me when I needed it, and tried her hardest to understand me when I was.....er....rebellious. I pushed her to the edge, and yet she always seemed to hang on. If there was ever a child who tested their mother's love...... Well, yeah. Mom is a hero. No questions asked. I will always be grateful to her for not giving up on me!
Mom, thank you for being you. Happy birthday. And I am SO happy there will be many more birthdays to celebrate! I love you!
For nineteen years, my mom has been there for me! She has been there for my ups and downs, and for a few years, there were A LOT of downs! Mom and I haven't seen eye to eye all the time, and we still don't always agree, but I couldn't ask for a better mother.
When I was little, Mom was always there to pick me up when I fell. She encouraged me in all my dreams, and was supportive of my ambitions. My mom helped me excel in school, whether it was an accelerated reading program, accelerated class, skipping a grade and even specialized high school. She always told me I could be whatever I wanted, and do whatever I dreamed of doing! The woman even braved homeschooling me for a couple of years. That took guts, and endurance :P
Mom really inspired my love for music. I was learning the piano by age four, and Mom didn't stop at learning basic theory. I learned music history, and listened to classical for most of my childhood. Even though I fought with her at times about practicing, I'm so grateful mom taught me, and praised my talent. I remember laying in bed listening to her playing the piano, writing her words and lyrics to my favorite songs. She even wrote a song for me. Here's a line : "Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone, but miraculously, you're my own. Never forget, not even a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but in it." I fell asleep at night listening to her pour out her heart in song. Thank goodness for that. It has inspired me countless times ever since.
She defended me when I needed it, and tried her hardest to understand me when I was.....er....rebellious. I pushed her to the edge, and yet she always seemed to hang on. If there was ever a child who tested their mother's love...... Well, yeah. Mom is a hero. No questions asked. I will always be grateful to her for not giving up on me!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friends in high, low, far, close, wet, dry....places??
OK.... in order to have a blog, it seems a requirement that I must keep up with it. That being the case, I should be shot! Drawn and quartered! Dropped in a container of toxic waste (sadly I'm sure I could find some of that in Japan right now)! Fed piece by piece to ravenous.... unicorns???
Anyways, though I don't have much to post, I'll update those I imagine to follow my blog. Not much has changed in my life if you're looking for some spectacular events. Still have an amazing family. Still have incredible friends. And I still have an imaginary boyfriend. His name is Alejandro. He's on a Humanitarian Mission in.... Antarctica. Yup. To the penguins. I still have a wonderful job, and I'm still surviving school!
Lately I've been thinking about my friends a lot. About how different our lives have become. My best friend from high school is married and living with her husband in Orem. I remember swearing up and down to my parents that she and I would be best friends forever. As in grow old together, being second moms to each others kids. Well..... she will always be my best friend, but in a different way! I'll always love the memories we've shared, and hopefully, the memories we have yet to create. And I will always take the credit for introducing her to her man ;)
Then I got got to thinking of my best friend from WRA. Well, I have a few. But there was one girl who understood me more than anyone, and wasn't afraid to set me straight. She knew what it was like to have constantly interacted with people older than us (college) and she and I think the same way most of the time. She really is the other half to my whole. Now she lives in California with her fiance, and I miss her dearly!
I have friends all over the place, and I'm lucky to have a couple good friends still IN THE STATE! Haha, thank goooodness for the one that lives just down the street. I'd be lost without her, and her man, and her doggies :P
Friendship is so important in life. I am so grateful to my friends for always being there for me. I'm even more grateful to know that even IF friends may fail, my family will always be there for me!
Have a WONDERFUL week everyone!!
P.S.- My photos for the last few weeks!
Anyways, though I don't have much to post, I'll update those I imagine to follow my blog. Not much has changed in my life if you're looking for some spectacular events. Still have an amazing family. Still have incredible friends. And I still have an imaginary boyfriend. His name is Alejandro. He's on a Humanitarian Mission in.... Antarctica. Yup. To the penguins. I still have a wonderful job, and I'm still surviving school!
Lately I've been thinking about my friends a lot. About how different our lives have become. My best friend from high school is married and living with her husband in Orem. I remember swearing up and down to my parents that she and I would be best friends forever. As in grow old together, being second moms to each others kids. Well..... she will always be my best friend, but in a different way! I'll always love the memories we've shared, and hopefully, the memories we have yet to create. And I will always take the credit for introducing her to her man ;)
Then I got got to thinking of my best friend from WRA. Well, I have a few. But there was one girl who understood me more than anyone, and wasn't afraid to set me straight. She knew what it was like to have constantly interacted with people older than us (college) and she and I think the same way most of the time. She really is the other half to my whole. Now she lives in California with her fiance, and I miss her dearly!
I have friends all over the place, and I'm lucky to have a couple good friends still IN THE STATE! Haha, thank goooodness for the one that lives just down the street. I'd be lost without her, and her man, and her doggies :P
Friendship is so important in life. I am so grateful to my friends for always being there for me. I'm even more grateful to know that even IF friends may fail, my family will always be there for me!
Have a WONDERFUL week everyone!!
P.S.- My photos for the last few weeks!
6 Beautiful Sisters in St. George
Me and Shailey :D
My Favorite Shot!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Motto? Theme? Life Goal? All of the Above :D
I use the saying Live, Laugh, Love a lot. When I see people with a tattoo or a bracelet or T-shirt bearing that phrase, I can't help but speak up and compliment them on their choice. I'd like to explain.
If I've learned anything in the last couple of years, it's that life is too short. Period. It can end in an instant. So make the most of it!
LIVE- I always want to live my life without regrets. So far.... well, in that last year, I've had no regrets! YIPPEE! Oh wait.... there was the drunken party with Liz..... KIDDING! (Although I would've loved to see Liz <3) Moving on... I always want to live my life to the fullest! I need to add more to my bucket list, but so far, I've paid off a car, gotten my own place, paid for a semester of school at the U, worked almost a year and half at an amazing job, written more songs, fallen in love (with crocheting!), deepened my friendships, made new friends, and overall, strengthened my relationship with my family. I have absolutely no regrets there!
LAUGH- I've needed to laugh a lot as of late. While I try to live life with no regrets, I can't always succeed in my own life, or influence the lives of others. But I don't think I can ever live long enough in this life to have my fill of laughter. There's too little time to be sad! I can understand some tears. A sad ending to a movie, a funeral, the death of Heath Ledger, but besides that? Laugh! Smile! It could brighten someone elses day. I know that for myself, nothing makes me more joyful than to see my darling little sisters dance around with each other, laughing until they're blue in the face. Without laughter, life would be so very difficult.
LOVE- This is the most important word of the trio. While I have yet to fall in love with my Prince Charming, Mr. Fantastic, or Superman, I have definitely reaped many benefits of loving my family this year. Love is so crucial to our existence! Sure, we can live, but without love, there would be regrets, and we could laugh, but I don't think there would be much joy. To love IS to live, and to laugh.
So there you have it. My motto. My goal in life. Perhaps, once you realize how short and precious our lives here truly are, you will follow my example. To Live without regrets, Laugh nonstop, and Love unconditionally.
Live.Laugh.Love
If I've learned anything in the last couple of years, it's that life is too short. Period. It can end in an instant. So make the most of it!
LIVE- I always want to live my life without regrets. So far.... well, in that last year, I've had no regrets! YIPPEE! Oh wait.... there was the drunken party with Liz..... KIDDING! (Although I would've loved to see Liz <3) Moving on... I always want to live my life to the fullest! I need to add more to my bucket list, but so far, I've paid off a car, gotten my own place, paid for a semester of school at the U, worked almost a year and half at an amazing job, written more songs, fallen in love (with crocheting!), deepened my friendships, made new friends, and overall, strengthened my relationship with my family. I have absolutely no regrets there!
LAUGH- I've needed to laugh a lot as of late. While I try to live life with no regrets, I can't always succeed in my own life, or influence the lives of others. But I don't think I can ever live long enough in this life to have my fill of laughter. There's too little time to be sad! I can understand some tears. A sad ending to a movie, a funeral, the death of Heath Ledger, but besides that? Laugh! Smile! It could brighten someone elses day. I know that for myself, nothing makes me more joyful than to see my darling little sisters dance around with each other, laughing until they're blue in the face. Without laughter, life would be so very difficult.
LOVE- This is the most important word of the trio. While I have yet to fall in love with my Prince Charming, Mr. Fantastic, or Superman, I have definitely reaped many benefits of loving my family this year. Love is so crucial to our existence! Sure, we can live, but without love, there would be regrets, and we could laugh, but I don't think there would be much joy. To love IS to live, and to laugh.
So there you have it. My motto. My goal in life. Perhaps, once you realize how short and precious our lives here truly are, you will follow my example. To Live without regrets, Laugh nonstop, and Love unconditionally.
Live.Laugh.Love
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Blessed Beyond Words
Since I decided to more actively search for my biological mother Tanya, I've had a lot of support from people in my life. And a lot of questions. Someone asked me recently if I was searching for her because I felt like I didn't belong in my family. This got me to thinking.
I am not searching for Tanya because I don't fee like a Widmer. My family is incredible and I couldn't ask for a better one. True, we've had our difficulties and at time all I wanted to do was run away.... but now? I couldn't imagine life without them. I realize not everyone has a positive experience with adoption. I've watched someone I love dearly go through immense pain because of it. On my account, however, adoption is a blessing. I don't know much of the story behind my birth, but I know Tanya was single, and my biological father was married. From the letters she sent in the six months following my birth, she was reconciled with the fact that she placed me. Yes, she said she thought about me every day and missed me constantly, but her letters were positive, and it seemed like she was moving on with her life.
I am not looking for Tanya because I need another mother. I have an amazing mom, April. That's not to discount Tanya's role in my life, it's just the way I feel. My mom is absolutely incredible. She gives and gives and gives. Sure, we've had our differences and I've disliked her, but no one could ever replace her. I look for Tanya because there's questions I have.... Do I look more like her or my father? She says in her letters I take after my father's side of the family. But that was when I was six months old! I want to know about my history. I'd loooove to know what happened to Tanya and my dad after I was born. Knowing his name would be nice too. But overall, I'd like to meet Tanya at least once, and thank her for what she did. She gave me a family I would be incomplete without. Who could pass this up?!
I am not searching for Tanya because I don't fee like a Widmer. My family is incredible and I couldn't ask for a better one. True, we've had our difficulties and at time all I wanted to do was run away.... but now? I couldn't imagine life without them. I realize not everyone has a positive experience with adoption. I've watched someone I love dearly go through immense pain because of it. On my account, however, adoption is a blessing. I don't know much of the story behind my birth, but I know Tanya was single, and my biological father was married. From the letters she sent in the six months following my birth, she was reconciled with the fact that she placed me. Yes, she said she thought about me every day and missed me constantly, but her letters were positive, and it seemed like she was moving on with her life.
I am not looking for Tanya because I need another mother. I have an amazing mom, April. That's not to discount Tanya's role in my life, it's just the way I feel. My mom is absolutely incredible. She gives and gives and gives. Sure, we've had our differences and I've disliked her, but no one could ever replace her. I look for Tanya because there's questions I have.... Do I look more like her or my father? She says in her letters I take after my father's side of the family. But that was when I was six months old! I want to know about my history. I'd loooove to know what happened to Tanya and my dad after I was born. Knowing his name would be nice too. But overall, I'd like to meet Tanya at least once, and thank her for what she did. She gave me a family I would be incomplete without. Who could pass this up?!
Savannah- My Twin
Little Sisters Are The Best
Gotta Love The Fam :D
This Photo's So Old But I Love It!
I will continue in my search for Tanya. But not because I feel I don't belong in my family. Not because I feel like I need a new mother. Just to answer some questions about myself. Who knows?? Maybe Tanya will want to meet the family she gave me. But truly, I am blessed beyond words. Thank you Tanya!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
A Little Tidying Up
I have noticed that all the blogs I follow have a certain theme. As I've read all my previous posts, I notice that I'm a little scatterbrained. I write about all sorts of things. So I've decided to organize my thoughts a little better. This blog will be devoted to three things: my weight loss, my search for Tanya, and my photography.
First off, my total weight loss so far is eight pounds. That's NOTHING! Honestly! And I haven't put forth as much effort as I possibly could. I tried doing no soda, and kind of gave up. Well, not entirely. I only have two or three sodas a week, as opposed to the one a day I used to be drinking. I have dropped down to one fast food run a week, and one nice meal. It's really hard. How pathetic is that?! Who has that kind of addiction?! At least I admit it, though, right? Well, I've decided that I need more strength than just my own. So, on March 12th, I'm going to the open casting call for the next season of The Biggest Loser! I am crossing my fingers that I can make it onto the show. I think it would be easier having someone who needs to lose as much weight as I do by my side. It's difficult to exercise with someone who is just shedding a few pounds. It would be nice to find someone who knows what I go through..... I hope and pray I'll make it.
Next, on the subject of my biological mother, Tanya Smith. No luck. Not even of sniff or whisper of where she might be. My mom gave me all of the letters from Tanya when I was a baby, along with all the information from my adoption. None of it revealed very much. Tanya's dad died shortly after I was born, so I looked for obituaries with the last name of Smith that had a surviving daughter named Tanya. No hits. I looked for majors in photojournalism, and again found nothing. My last option is to request Tanya's identifying information from LDSFS. Other than that, I'm stumped.
Lastly, my photography. I am hoping to purchase a new camera at the end of March. An SLR. I did a photo shoot sort of thing with Kara to help her build a modeling portfolio. I really got some good shots, and I'd like to make more of a hobby out of photography. I'm really good at it! And I'm not bragging. I really enjoy it too. Here's one of my favorite photos of Kara. And then one I took of my West Ridge Soccer Team.
First off, my total weight loss so far is eight pounds. That's NOTHING! Honestly! And I haven't put forth as much effort as I possibly could. I tried doing no soda, and kind of gave up. Well, not entirely. I only have two or three sodas a week, as opposed to the one a day I used to be drinking. I have dropped down to one fast food run a week, and one nice meal. It's really hard. How pathetic is that?! Who has that kind of addiction?! At least I admit it, though, right? Well, I've decided that I need more strength than just my own. So, on March 12th, I'm going to the open casting call for the next season of The Biggest Loser! I am crossing my fingers that I can make it onto the show. I think it would be easier having someone who needs to lose as much weight as I do by my side. It's difficult to exercise with someone who is just shedding a few pounds. It would be nice to find someone who knows what I go through..... I hope and pray I'll make it.
Next, on the subject of my biological mother, Tanya Smith. No luck. Not even of sniff or whisper of where she might be. My mom gave me all of the letters from Tanya when I was a baby, along with all the information from my adoption. None of it revealed very much. Tanya's dad died shortly after I was born, so I looked for obituaries with the last name of Smith that had a surviving daughter named Tanya. No hits. I looked for majors in photojournalism, and again found nothing. My last option is to request Tanya's identifying information from LDSFS. Other than that, I'm stumped.
Lastly, my photography. I am hoping to purchase a new camera at the end of March. An SLR. I did a photo shoot sort of thing with Kara to help her build a modeling portfolio. I really got some good shots, and I'd like to make more of a hobby out of photography. I'm really good at it! And I'm not bragging. I really enjoy it too. Here's one of my favorite photos of Kara. And then one I took of my West Ridge Soccer Team.
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