BaCk On TrAcK

The past week or so has put a halt on my life, and my thoughts. I have been distracted. But, as I said I wouldn't, I didn't give up. I got through it. I sucked it up and moved on.

Now? I am back on track. I have one goal in my mind.... well... one really focused goal right now. Find my parents..... or at least find out ABOUT them. I'm not sure I'm ready to meet either of them. They have probably moved on and have families of their own. I know my dad was married, and Tanya always seemed so distant in her letters.

Regardless... I would like to know more about them. I want to know if Tanya is her real name, what she looks like, maybe find her on Facebook or something. In her letters, she said I looked like my dad. Is that still true? What does he look like? Do I have other sisters and brothers? Being one of six girls... a brother could be a lot of fun! I know Tanya's dad passed away shortly after I was born, but what about my other grandparents? Aunts and uncles? Whose features do I have? What personality traits do I copy? Where did my family come from? I have always imagined that I have relatives I can visit in Ireland... with the red hair and all :)

I have imagined hundreds of scenarios. Mom's a famous journalist or musician. I have a rock star half-brother. Dad's a millionaire and will spoil me rotten. I meet them and instantly feel at home and at peace. Ha.... dream land. I know that finding them, and if I chose meeting them, could be potentially awkward. With my dad being married to someone else, I would have to introduce myself to two families. What if he never told his family? What if Tanya never told her family that came after me?

I am going to the adoption agency this week, and requesting every single bit of information that I can. I want everything I'm legally allowed to have. I won't take no for an answer. I at least want names. I have discovered Facebook to be a glorious way of "re-connecting." With a correct name, it would be simple.

I love my family, the one that I was raised in. They have offered their full support of my quest. I really really really love them.

I know who I am... but it's past time to find out where who I am came from.

I Have To Make It.....

I'm afraid. I'm 100%, paralyzingly, indescribably terrified. I don't know if I will make it through another round in the ring. That's why I got out of it. I was done being used as a punching bag. I know it was unintentional, but it still happened. I feel the pull to get back in.... to join the fight again. It sure was a thrill... the not knowing, the tension, the suspense. But I was usually the one leaving the ring in a body bag.

I know that people won't understand.  I will probably be seen as the bad guy. The unforgiving friend holding a grudge. But if that's what it takes for me to watch my own back, and be happy, then so be it. I have an amazing family, and a good life. There have been struggles, but there is NO NEED to pile more crap onto what's happened in the past.

I am given a past to LEARN from it! Not to make it happen all over again! I'm going to be strong this time. Again, some won't understand, and they will be quick to judge me. There will be haters, and sides will be drawn. But I can't do it again. I can't go through the gut-wrenching, heart-shredding pain that should NEVER come from a friend.... Yes. I will be judged. I will be seen as the mean one.


SO BE IT. I HAVE TO MAKE IT.

2.0.1.2.

So... the Mayans seemed to have run out of room on their calendar long ago.... ending it at 2012. Well, guess I'd better make this year the best then, hmmm??

Happy New Year! I can honestly say I had a fantastic New Year's Eve :) I spent it with two of my favorite people in Downtown SLC, one of my favorite places. EVE SLC was super fun :)

The party wasn't bad... but it definitely wasn't my scene. I'm not much of a crowds person... unless it's a concert. A GOOD concert. Hanna and Robin made it fun :) And we got to see an awesome fireworks show... well... part of it. We scrambled out of there as fast as we could to beat the traffic. Oh, the cleverness of me!

I also must mention that I enjoyed the Christmas season! There was a lot of good food, good company, and good times :) My family is amazing and I love them. I was grateful that we could ALL be together for Christmas!

2011 was a pretty good year.... it had its ups and downs... but I made it!!!!!

In a nutshell... the first six months were boring.... THEN!

My best friend moved away, my roommate moved out, I found 3 roommates, kicked one out, then the other, gained a 'sister', lost a 'sister' (still struggling with this), hit some of the lowest times in my life, and had some of the greatest, got new couches, hit my 2 year mark at work, paid off a lot of debt, went to Arizona, California, Wyoming, St. George, spent time with my family and love them even more, and learned a lot of lessons!

I'm so grateful for my life. And I'm grateful to those who stuck through 2011 with me!

Happy Happy New Year!

Thursday... the Turkey Day that really has NOTHING to do with the Turkey :)

This Thursday is Thanksgiving.... so I figured I should submit a post on what I'm thankful for.... Flying cars, world peace, unlimited amounts of food that won't make you fat... Oh. Wait. That's in my fantasy world. Reality has yet to catch up. :)

Life has been hectic the last month or so. I know, I always say that. But I have felt like all the emotions I could ever feel in a lifetime were crammed into September, October, and November. Blech. I have never laughed so much, cried so much, screamed so much, slept so much. But, with all the struggles that I have been through, my list of blessings is longer than ever.

I am so so so so very thankful for my family. My mom and dad are AMAZING. Our relationship isn't perfect. Far from, actually. But compared to where we were two or three Thanksgivings ago..... there's no comparison. I think the difference in where we are now is that we have all forgiven the past. There's nothing holding us back from moving forward. I can truly enjoy time with my sisters now. Morgan came home this last week, and I spent an evening with her, as well as Shane, and mom and dad. Even though we only chatted for a couple of hours, it was FUN. There wasn't any arguing, or tension... well, besides my frustration at trying to explain to Mom how to use her new iPhone. I love spending time with Morgan and Savannah, and of course, Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty. We have had struggles in the past, most of the time pitting me against my family. Sometimes, I still feel like the odd one out, but that's because I'm a redhead, a braniac.... thus better looking AND better thinking. HA!

(Old Family Photo- Still My Favorite)

I'm not just blessed to have a wonderful immediate family, but an extended family as well. I don't know where I would be without Becky and Kevin, and I thank God daily that I have such wonderful 'second parents.' I come from an AWESOME family.  "Nuff Said." My cousins are really my best friends. They've seen it all with me, and they love me none the less. It's nice to have friends who you don't have to explain everything too. They know all about the crazy (and wonderful) aunts and uncles I have, because those people are their parents. It's been hard these last few years, having a lot of my closest cousins gone on their missions. (Tia, Sky, Josh, Taylor). But I am SO happy for them, and I'll be glad when the old 'gang' can all go out and wreak havoc once again!

Another Old Photo- But With A Lot Of My 'Peeps'

I look around and see how many people are desperately looking for jobs. I have to say that I am beyond blessed to have my job. There are times when I hate the hours, and I complain. Or I say the pay is too low (IT IS) and I complain. Sometimes, my ladies make me want to take out my own eyeballs with a rusted spoon, and I complain. But, when all is said and done, I have a wonderful job. I work with great staff, and I love my ladies with all of my heart. Over the past two years I have come to see beyond their disabilities, and see them for who they truly are. They make me laugh more often than not. I love having a job where I can help people, and hey! Who wouldn't want to get paid to go to movies and go out to eat?!

I used to put a lot of stock in friendships. At times, I stupidly gave up my time, goals, etc... to the wrong friends. I have come to learn that 'Friends for Life' are VERY rare, and hardly apply to the people you meet in high school, or later in life. I've had a lot of bad friends. They weren't bad people, but I wasn't a good person when I was around them.... But I don't mean to be negative. I just mean to say that I am grateful that I have...no...AM.... learning the value of friendship, and the value of a GOOD friend. I am learning to let go. I am happy to see so many of my friends getting married, having kids, and so on. It's crazy to think that Lexi B's engaged, that Shailey's a mom. They are paving paths that I will travel down some day. They are living their lives, and I am living mine.

Still in the friendship mode, I have to insert a special note for a special someone... or some people. In the past month or so, Allysa has been more of a Savior than ever. I love her with all of my heart, and I am so happy that she is finally finding the happiness she deserves. I hope her man with treat her like the queen she is. I miss her so much, but I think it makes the times we see each other even more special.

I made a decision back in July that changed my life more than I ever thought it would. Sometimes I have regretted it, sometimes I have hated myself for making the choice.... I'm just being honest. But now, I realize that in helping a friend, I was helping myself. Hanna has become like a sister to me. And, just as I do with my other sisters, I sometimes want to strangle her. But lately, she has been there when no one else was around. We have both had road bumps and obstacles in the last couple of months. I don't think I could have gotten through them without her. I have felt loss, really painful loss, and Hanna has been the only person who has known what to say, and how to help. I love her dearly, and even in the hard times, I can't regret that long drive down to Cedar City in July. Of course.... living with Hanna meant getting to know her boyfriend Robin, yet another blessing. Robin keeps us both sane. I have never met such a good guy. If Hanna's my sister, Robin's my brother. Being one of six girls... brother is a foreign word to me. But that's what he is. He has helped me through so much as well. The three of us are always doing something... whether it's taking someone to Trax, going to the Gateway, going grocery shopping (always a disaster), or just sitting around good ol' Apartment 9-V, talking. The two of them are perfect for each other, and they're perfect for me.

The Three Amigos

Right now, I'm happy with life. I have a good job, a great family, wonderful friends. I am getting to be where I want to be. I'm losing weight, I'm going to be starting school soon, I have a roommate I actually like.... yep. Life is good. I think the best part is that I'm not living life worrying about what my friends, or my family thinks. I am taking the steps to live a life that I can be truly happy with. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

It Will ALL Work Out.

It's funny how life turns out... funny, and sad, and annoying, and frustrating, and heartbreaking, and wonderful and.... unexpected. 

So much has been happening lately. I've felt like I've been stretched thin in a million places. I have felt like I couldn't catch a break, that just struggle after struggle kept popping up. I felt like crying all the time, and lashing out at people for just talking to me. It was affecting my home life, my relationships with my friends, and even my performance at work. I was grumpy, irritated, overly sensitive...... makes it sound like a pregnancy I know :P There were so many things going on in my life and in my head, and I didn't really talk to anyone about them. I still have many secrets :( It's not healthy, I know.

Last week.... something changed. I'm not sure what it was, or how it happened. I guess I made some realizations, and these ones actually stuck. 

First off, I was constantly bitter at my friends because I felt like they just didn't care. I spent all my time worrying about them and wondering if they were ok, doing whatever I could to make them happy, and I felt ignored in return. So many people have told me that I should make new friends, and at the time, I was thinking I finally understood why. Then my thinking process changed. My friends have struggles too. They have burdens, worries, issues, and they confide in me about them. It doesn't mean their troubles are bigger than mine.... just different! How would they know how I was hurting if I didn't tell them? Knowing this has made parts of life a lot easier, and I've been able to talk to my friends with ease, and listen to them without bitterness.

The biggest change for me actually came when I was helping a friend. She was having a really bad night, and I was trying to find the right thing to say. I came across this quote:

It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will love worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.

Gordon B. Hinckley

This quote was perfect for my friend....but it was also perfect for ME! I had been stressing about so much, worrying all the time, so much so that I was sick all the time and losing weight (though the latter issue wasn't bad... it was just done in an unhealthy way). President Hinckley reminded me that sometimes things are beyond my control. I had forgotten what I'd been taught growing up. If I do my part, the Lord will do his. True, I still struggle from time to time, and occasionally feel incredibly overwhelmed (usually at night), but I'm not a mess anymore. I feel more stable, and I've actually been really level-headed, something I've missed. I'm laughing a lot more, and smiling all the time. I'm trying to find joy in the smallest of things. If I'm making the right choices, and trying to put myself on the right path, the Lord will open doors. Things will be OK... with my friends, with my family, with my SELF.

IT WILL ALL WORK OUT <3

Leader of the Band

Tonight isn't such a good night.... I feel a little lost. I know that the path I'm on is the right one.... but it makes me sort of second guess, and sometimes, regret past choices.

I remember when I was little, and when I was growing up, I was a leader. I was smart, funny, and while I wasn't the prettiest, I knew how to capture a crowd. Knowing all the answers at church helped. I was a favorite among the younger girls when I was at Girl's Camp. My family adored me, and I was the favorite niece among many aunts and uncles. (That last one hasn't changed :P)

These days, that is definitely NOT the case. Some people say I'm a leader.... but it's not for the same reasons. I feel like some people around me only follow because I have the car, the apartment, and sometimes the money. That's not being a leader! I don't want to be that kind of leader. I won't lead by not giving a crap what others think. Some people think that's healthy and cool, but in the end, you're the one losing. I won't lead by devoting my time, energy, money, and basically my life to others, either.

I really think a true leader cares what others think, but only to an extent. They care, but they won't bend from who they truly are. They are the perfect balance. I used to be that way. Now? I don't know. I know I'm on the right path, but I have to change so much. I've developed habits, and it's hard to  change them. A lot of people have thought that I'm a pushover, and that people take advantage of me. That is NOT the case. I was always the one offering. I was always giving and providing. So why would the receivers think anything is wrong? They weren't demanding, and they only started asking after I continuously offered. That's not me being a pushover. But that is me dealing with some serious thinking errors.

I'm not to that perfect balance yet. I'm leaning more on that side of caring too much what others think about me. I'm very quiet in rowdy situations, because I'm worried about what the public will think of me if I don't say something, and I'm worried about what the rowdy friend will think if I do say something. Ugh. It's complicated. Overall, I realized that sometimes, you have to leave behind the people who will hold you back. It sucks, but it's worth it.

I'm getting there. To that balance. And I'm going to be the person I know God intended me to be. If I lead, great. But I'm not going to follow. No thank you.

Contentment

Well it's been a little while since my last post. A lot has happened.

As obvious from my last posts, I went to California. When I first came back home, I was high on Cali life. All I wanted to do was go back. I was making plans to move and go to school there, and leave my life in Utah behind. But in the last few weeks, I have realized something. I'm happy here in Utah. Utah is my home. I have been born and raised here. My family and dearest friends are here. True, Utah has crazy weather, crazy drivers, and at times, crazy people. But, for now, this is where I am making my home. I'm going to school down at UVU in the spring to be on my way to owning my own recording studio.... YIPPEE... :)


Speaking of home, I signed my first lease this week!!!! YAYYYYY!!! I actually stayed at the same place I've been living for the last 10 months, and I just signed a new lease with a new roommate. Hanna has been living with me, so she's roommate number one. Times have been tough sometimes.... but she's like my sister. We can joke and laugh and sleep and play and swim and tan and do our makeup and our hair and go out and yeah.... it's fun. My other roommate is Matt :) Sweetest guy in the world. He made Hanna and I breakfast this morning: gourmet style <3 We're like our own little family. Now...? All we need is furniture hehe


My life is good right now. I had a great talk with my parents last night and was open with things that have been going on in my life. I will just say this: My parents ROCK. Mom and dad.... I love you. Always. My relationships with my friends are awesome.... while I've distanced myself from some people I don't regret it. I want to be around people who lift me up. Hanna and Matt aren't just roommates... they're my friends. I love sitting and laughing with them, and Shailey of course. OH how I love my Shay Shay. We may fight like crazy, but we get through it. My job is great, and I've picked up more hours, meaning MORE MONEYYY! I'm kinda seeing this cute boy :) We've got A LOT to work on... and I'm not sure where it will go.... but for now...? I like him <3 I've got a great place to live, great job, great family, and great friends. I'm livin, laughin, and lovin!

So far, I'm in love with the month of August :)