This week has had many ups, and some downs too. I've been crazy busy, and have also had lots of time to think. I've been going on walks every night, just me and my music. Ahh, how I love music :)
Some of my highlights this week:
Remember the friendship I lost a few weeks back? Well.... it's on the mend :) So I guess loss wasn't the right word.... temporarily put on hold. I'm not sure what will happen. When you're closer than close to someone, you have great power to hurt them if you choose to. When things are said, and the hurt is there, it's hard to come back.... but I love her, and we know what made our friendship go sour. Changes are happening.
On Wednesday, I was soooo excited to have my sisters come over. I remember when I was younger, Savannah and Morgan and I would have a girls night every once in a while. No parents. Usually just a movie, ice cream, and us talking. It's a little harder to do with the three girls and Lexie, but it's a girls night nonetheless. We played in the pool for most of the afternoon (my neck is still sore from swimming from Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty hanging onto me while I swam). Since my roommate has been packing up stuff, we had a picnic outside for dinner. Minus my roommate packing, I planned the day pretty well! I miss spending time with my sisters, and it was good to talk to them, and watch my adorable little neice.
My roommate's packing has been pretty fun. I've been preparing to go shopping for all the stuff I'm going to need when she leaves. (Everything in the living room and kitchen belonged to her.) BUT! As she is downsizing, she's leaving A LOT behind. She gave me a bunch of kitchen stuff, the microwave, and is selling me her washer and dryer for CHEAP! I'm soo excited to be in charge of my own place, and to find the roommate I know I'd get along with :P
Due to the fact that most of my friends are out of state, mainly in California (and Wyoming), I have had a lot of thinking and along time to myself. I've made realizations, both good and bad. I've come to realize that some people are VERY good at telling you what you want to hear, even when their actions scream the opposite. I have re-discovered that the true friends are the ones who aren't afraid to call you out on your crap.I don't need people who don't need me.
I am NOT going to change my attitude, my looks, my values, my life... just so other people can approve. I am who I am. This is me :) My name is Jasmine. I go by Jazz, Jazzy, Jazz-Meister, Jazzy-Fizzle... and Kimo Sabe (thanks to Allysa). I love to do things for other people. I am a huge fan of laughing and teasing. FAMILY IS MY LIFE. MUSIC IS MY PASSION, I love to make new friends. I value honesty more than you know. I have an awesome family and great friends. I know I say that a lot, but it's the truth!
This is me. You don't like it? That's OK. There are other people out in the world who match your style. Please move on :)
Friday, June 24, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Thank God For All I Missed... Cause It Led Me Here To This....
I never went to Prom. I never got to go to my High School graduation. I've never been in love.... REAL love (that second grade kiss DOESN'T COUNT). I've never been a part of any sports team. I've never met my biological family. I've never been voted into anything. I've never.........
When you really start to think about it, that list can go on and on and on. It's true, I have missed out on many opportunities and chances in my life. I have been thinking a lot about that lately. All the things I screwed up, the people I hurt, the golden opportunities I skipped out on. Some things were out of my control, but others, no one is to blame but me. I have really been looking at all these missed chances, these sections I feel missing out of my life. But, as I have said before, THANK GOODNESS FOR REALIZATIONS.
I was writing a song (guitar this time people... it's gonna be big.... well, ya know....) and was trying to make it sound like a love song. It got me thinking about love. And, as I haven't really had that chance yet, I started overthinking. Hey, what can I say? I'm a girl???? :) I have loved a lot of people in my short life span. My mom, my dad, my sisters, Allysa and Liz,..... friends and family, along with a few pets and treasured stuffed animals. True, I have yet to be swept off my feet by my prince (haha), or even nudged a little by a cute guy, but there is a lot of love in my life. Given and received.
I have spent too much time focusing on things missing. What about the things already here?! I have an amazing family. Three of my sisters had birthdays this month. Morgan turned 25 (yeah.... old I know :P), Brooklyn turned 8, and little Liberty turned 5. Tomorrow.... well today I guess.... is also Father's Day. A whole day dedicated to celebrating my awesome dad. Yes, I may differ in opinion on some things with my family, but they're still my family.
I have amazing friends, and continue to make more. It's nice having friends I can go grab lunch with during the day.... and friends I can violently slaughter at night..... Ahem. If you don't know what I mean.... just don't worry about it. I talked with Allysa on Skype last night. I thank God for inspiring some individual to come up with that program. I talked with Lissa and her brother and sister. It was so much fun, and made me even more excited to see her next month. I was able to talk with Liz earlier this week, and that was SO fun! I also get to see her next month, and am excited beyond words.
My roommate just informed me that she is moving out this month, and although we have had some good times....umm...yeah.... I am very excited to make this place my own. New furniture, new roommate, new rules. A place that will finally feel like home. PARTY!!!!!! Haha.... no, seriously though, housewarming party in August anyone??? :)
I think sometimes we forget the good things because the bad, or mildly annoying or disappointing things are so much more dramatic. I used the line from the Darius Rucker song for my post title for a reason. I am grateful for things that have happened in the past. They may have sucked at the time, and sucky times may still come, but I have been, and will continue to be shaped by them. They make me ME! And I'm learning to love that!
When you really start to think about it, that list can go on and on and on. It's true, I have missed out on many opportunities and chances in my life. I have been thinking a lot about that lately. All the things I screwed up, the people I hurt, the golden opportunities I skipped out on. Some things were out of my control, but others, no one is to blame but me. I have really been looking at all these missed chances, these sections I feel missing out of my life. But, as I have said before, THANK GOODNESS FOR REALIZATIONS.
I was writing a song (guitar this time people... it's gonna be big.... well, ya know....) and was trying to make it sound like a love song. It got me thinking about love. And, as I haven't really had that chance yet, I started overthinking. Hey, what can I say? I'm a girl???? :) I have loved a lot of people in my short life span. My mom, my dad, my sisters, Allysa and Liz,..... friends and family, along with a few pets and treasured stuffed animals. True, I have yet to be swept off my feet by my prince (haha), or even nudged a little by a cute guy, but there is a lot of love in my life. Given and received.
I have spent too much time focusing on things missing. What about the things already here?! I have an amazing family. Three of my sisters had birthdays this month. Morgan turned 25 (yeah.... old I know :P), Brooklyn turned 8, and little Liberty turned 5. Tomorrow.... well today I guess.... is also Father's Day. A whole day dedicated to celebrating my awesome dad. Yes, I may differ in opinion on some things with my family, but they're still my family.
I have amazing friends, and continue to make more. It's nice having friends I can go grab lunch with during the day.... and friends I can violently slaughter at night..... Ahem. If you don't know what I mean.... just don't worry about it. I talked with Allysa on Skype last night. I thank God for inspiring some individual to come up with that program. I talked with Lissa and her brother and sister. It was so much fun, and made me even more excited to see her next month. I was able to talk with Liz earlier this week, and that was SO fun! I also get to see her next month, and am excited beyond words.
My roommate just informed me that she is moving out this month, and although we have had some good times....umm...yeah.... I am very excited to make this place my own. New furniture, new roommate, new rules. A place that will finally feel like home. PARTY!!!!!! Haha.... no, seriously though, housewarming party in August anyone??? :)
I think sometimes we forget the good things because the bad, or mildly annoying or disappointing things are so much more dramatic. I used the line from the Darius Rucker song for my post title for a reason. I am grateful for things that have happened in the past. They may have sucked at the time, and sucky times may still come, but I have been, and will continue to be shaped by them. They make me ME! And I'm learning to love that!
Friday, June 10, 2011
No Regrets!
It's been too long since I wrote last! A lot has happened, yet at the same time, nothing at all. School is over, and I'm loving the summer so far :) Mostly, I just work. But I have done other things as well.
My music is coming along great! I wrote a new song a couple weeks ago... Just not sure what to do with it. It's not a song I can sing myself, so I need to find the right voice. I actually have another song in progress now, a song about music :) Hopefully it will turn out the way I'm hearing it in my head!
I have kept busy with work, and have developed a true love for my xbox! Call me a nerd, laugh at me, doesn't matter. I'm getting good at it (I have a great coach :P) and Xbox live is a blast! I have actually met some really cool people... well, not met.... but still!!!!! I wish I could meet some of them... but either way, it's fun. It gives me something to do during my free time, which is usually after 11 PM. Oh the times when one discovers a new hobby! Another fun little adventure: I was able to reconnect with an old friend from high school, and that has been AWESOME! He's a good friend when I need one :)
I went to Arizona this last weekend, and had a really good time. I spent some time with an old friend, and it was great to take a break from work. It didn't end quite the way I expected, and I lost a friendship. I've really been struggling with it this week, and with arguments that have occurred since then. I made some realizations today though. The loss of one friend has made me realize what I can do better with other, and future friends. I am who I am, and I want people in my life who accept me and love me for that.
I talked to Allysa about all this today. Oh how I love that girl. She helped me to realize that I don't people in my life who don't accept me. No matter where I go, I still have a past. And if someone can't deal with that, it's OK! I am going to live life in the moment. NO worrying about what others think. Man... this is going to be fun!
My music is coming along great! I wrote a new song a couple weeks ago... Just not sure what to do with it. It's not a song I can sing myself, so I need to find the right voice. I actually have another song in progress now, a song about music :) Hopefully it will turn out the way I'm hearing it in my head!
I have kept busy with work, and have developed a true love for my xbox! Call me a nerd, laugh at me, doesn't matter. I'm getting good at it (I have a great coach :P) and Xbox live is a blast! I have actually met some really cool people... well, not met.... but still!!!!! I wish I could meet some of them... but either way, it's fun. It gives me something to do during my free time, which is usually after 11 PM. Oh the times when one discovers a new hobby! Another fun little adventure: I was able to reconnect with an old friend from high school, and that has been AWESOME! He's a good friend when I need one :)
I went to Arizona this last weekend, and had a really good time. I spent some time with an old friend, and it was great to take a break from work. It didn't end quite the way I expected, and I lost a friendship. I've really been struggling with it this week, and with arguments that have occurred since then. I made some realizations today though. The loss of one friend has made me realize what I can do better with other, and future friends. I am who I am, and I want people in my life who accept me and love me for that.
I talked to Allysa about all this today. Oh how I love that girl. She helped me to realize that I don't people in my life who don't accept me. No matter where I go, I still have a past. And if someone can't deal with that, it's OK! I am going to live life in the moment. NO worrying about what others think. Man... this is going to be fun!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
A Mother Who Is Really A Mother Is Never Free
This week, it seems adoption has been brought up several times around me. Other things have been going on too. My mother is losing both her parents, and I my grandparents. Watching my mom go through this is so hard. It's helped me to realize how much I love her. My mom has done so much for me, and I will never be able to repay her. But I will always try! But on the subject of adoption, I have thought about Tanya (My biological mom) a lot.
The quote I listed as my title makes me wonder even more. Tanya's situation, from everything I've been told and read myself, was unlike that of any other mother I've heard of who has placed her child. She was 28, she had a good job, she had family support. She seemed mature, she knew what she was doing for school, she was confident in her letters. So what made her decide to place? I don't hate her for her decision, and I honestly am grateful that she chose such an amazing family. I just still wonder what made her choose what she did.
I look at what my friends are going through. Kara already placed her son. And it has changed her forever, and she struggles with the pain daily. It has affected her own first mom, and it has even affected me. I can just look at her and see the hurt, the yearning for her son. She wonders constantly how he's doing, what new things he's learning, and how he's looking. It's so hard for her. I wish so much I could help her. Shailey is eight and half weeks along in her pregnancy, and I can see already how much she loves her baby. She is constantly touching her belly, she loves looking at clothes (which drives me nuts) and she can't wait to pick a name and see it grow. I have other friends who have had kids, and I see how much they love them.
My mom asked Tanya so many questions by letter. Some really deep stuff. She asked Tanya about my father, if Tanya would continue communication, maybe eventually meet. Tanya answered some of the questions, but honestly, I feel she was very reserved through her letters. She never really got into what she was feeling. I suppose I can understand this, as LDSFS read the letters before my parents apparently. But still, she rarely asked questions about me, and only occasionally talked about her love for me. Maybe I have an issue with selective reading. I don't know. Tanya WAS the one, however, who cut off communication. Mom sent multiple letters with no response. Eventually, mom stopped writing. And that was that.
What happened? Did she lose my parents address? Did she move? Was she hurting too badly to write? Did she just want to forget about everything and move on with a fresh start? Does she wonder how I'm doing? Did she ever try to find me? Did my father? What is his name? Tanya said I looked like my father as a baby, is that still true? Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for Tanya's decision to place. I truly love my family with all of my heart. I couldn't ask for anything more. I just have questions. Questions that weren't answered by 5 months of occasional letter writing, or in the very selective adoption information. I am not looking for another family. I wonder, however, if Tanya has ever struggled with some of the things I struggle with. It would be nice to know what she looks like. I wonder if she is free, like in the quote, or if she is still always thinking about me. Even though I have questions, and I wonder if Tanya moved on or just felt to much pain, I will always be thankful to her for making me a Widmer. She made a wonderful choice.
The quote I listed as my title makes me wonder even more. Tanya's situation, from everything I've been told and read myself, was unlike that of any other mother I've heard of who has placed her child. She was 28, she had a good job, she had family support. She seemed mature, she knew what she was doing for school, she was confident in her letters. So what made her decide to place? I don't hate her for her decision, and I honestly am grateful that she chose such an amazing family. I just still wonder what made her choose what she did.
I look at what my friends are going through. Kara already placed her son. And it has changed her forever, and she struggles with the pain daily. It has affected her own first mom, and it has even affected me. I can just look at her and see the hurt, the yearning for her son. She wonders constantly how he's doing, what new things he's learning, and how he's looking. It's so hard for her. I wish so much I could help her. Shailey is eight and half weeks along in her pregnancy, and I can see already how much she loves her baby. She is constantly touching her belly, she loves looking at clothes (which drives me nuts) and she can't wait to pick a name and see it grow. I have other friends who have had kids, and I see how much they love them.
My mom asked Tanya so many questions by letter. Some really deep stuff. She asked Tanya about my father, if Tanya would continue communication, maybe eventually meet. Tanya answered some of the questions, but honestly, I feel she was very reserved through her letters. She never really got into what she was feeling. I suppose I can understand this, as LDSFS read the letters before my parents apparently. But still, she rarely asked questions about me, and only occasionally talked about her love for me. Maybe I have an issue with selective reading. I don't know. Tanya WAS the one, however, who cut off communication. Mom sent multiple letters with no response. Eventually, mom stopped writing. And that was that.
What happened? Did she lose my parents address? Did she move? Was she hurting too badly to write? Did she just want to forget about everything and move on with a fresh start? Does she wonder how I'm doing? Did she ever try to find me? Did my father? What is his name? Tanya said I looked like my father as a baby, is that still true? Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for Tanya's decision to place. I truly love my family with all of my heart. I couldn't ask for anything more. I just have questions. Questions that weren't answered by 5 months of occasional letter writing, or in the very selective adoption information. I am not looking for another family. I wonder, however, if Tanya has ever struggled with some of the things I struggle with. It would be nice to know what she looks like. I wonder if she is free, like in the quote, or if she is still always thinking about me. Even though I have questions, and I wonder if Tanya moved on or just felt to much pain, I will always be thankful to her for making me a Widmer. She made a wonderful choice.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Truly Great Friends Are Hard To Find, Difficult To Leave, and Impossible To Forget
I have friends all over the place. I have friends in Orem, UT, in Cheyenne, WY, in San Francisco, CA. Heck, even in Munich, Germany. They are good friends. Truly amazing friends. And I love them with all of my heart. But honestly, it's difficult having them all so far away. I miss Liz every day, and I cherish the times we can text, talk on the phone, or on Xbox Live (hehe). It is very difficult to not have physical contact with someone who understands me so well. Brecken, my dearest friend from high school, is in Orem, and though that is closer than California, I never seem to have enough time to run down there for a visit. As I said, long distance best-friendships are hard.
I have been so lucky to have two amazing friends here around me. I see Kara at work, and I am always astounded at how easy it is to talk to her. She knows everything about me, nothing barred. She accepts me for all of my imperfections. She can make me laugh no matter what, and we've cried together too. And you want to know the worst part of our friendship? She's moving in a month. I'm losing yet another friend to the sunny beaches of California. I want her to be happy, but I want to be selfish too. I want to still be able to see her smiling face. Talking to her in person is so different than talking on the phone. Thank goodness for Tahoe!!
Shailey.... oh Shailey. She is the peanut butter to my jelly, the apple to my pie, the straw to my berry. I would be totally and completely in the devils fiery place without her. Shailey has seen me at my worst, and my best. We have so many inside jokes it's ridiculous. We're closer than ever because we know what it's been like to hate each other. That is not a nice feeling. Shailey can always make me laugh, and I usually won't stop laughing for a while. We can just look at each other and start giggling.... maybe that's because I'm funny looking though.... I don't know. I love spending time with her, and seeing her love grow for the baby she's carrying. It's so dang cute!!!! I would totally cry for days if she were to leave too... it sounds pathetic, but it's true.
People ask me why I have the friends I have... as they are .... unique. Why do I choose to spend more time talking to my friends in Cali rather than chatting up kids in class. Here's my answer. When you go through deep intense struggles with someone, your relationship with that person changes. Liz, Tayler, Kara, Shailey, Lucky, Brecken, Joy.... I've been through so much with all of them. Liz, Shailey, and Kara especially. I couldn't just talk to a kid in class about my struggles with my self-esteem, or other things. I couldn't talk about addictions that I'm fighting to break. These girls understand where I'm coming from, because they've been there too.
Another reason? I love feeling wanted, feeling needed. If I can help my friends in any way, I will. I've always been that way. I have given time, money, and sleep over to my friends, and I don't regret any of it. Well... the choice to spend all of my savings during my Junior year was kind of stupid, I'll admit. I like feeling useful. And with all of my issues, I find it difficult to feel needed by people who have their lives in order. I'm not saying that my friends don't have their lives in order, but they have struggles. We can talk on such a deeper level.
Anyways, I just want my friends out there to know that I love them. I'm always thinking about you guys, and wondering how you're doing and if you need anything. I want to be there for you just as much as you've been there for me, if not more. And day or night, no matter what, I'm here if you need me. Love you all!!!!!
I have been so lucky to have two amazing friends here around me. I see Kara at work, and I am always astounded at how easy it is to talk to her. She knows everything about me, nothing barred. She accepts me for all of my imperfections. She can make me laugh no matter what, and we've cried together too. And you want to know the worst part of our friendship? She's moving in a month. I'm losing yet another friend to the sunny beaches of California. I want her to be happy, but I want to be selfish too. I want to still be able to see her smiling face. Talking to her in person is so different than talking on the phone. Thank goodness for Tahoe!!
Shailey.... oh Shailey. She is the peanut butter to my jelly, the apple to my pie, the straw to my berry. I would be totally and completely in the devils fiery place without her. Shailey has seen me at my worst, and my best. We have so many inside jokes it's ridiculous. We're closer than ever because we know what it's been like to hate each other. That is not a nice feeling. Shailey can always make me laugh, and I usually won't stop laughing for a while. We can just look at each other and start giggling.... maybe that's because I'm funny looking though.... I don't know. I love spending time with her, and seeing her love grow for the baby she's carrying. It's so dang cute!!!! I would totally cry for days if she were to leave too... it sounds pathetic, but it's true.
People ask me why I have the friends I have... as they are .... unique. Why do I choose to spend more time talking to my friends in Cali rather than chatting up kids in class. Here's my answer. When you go through deep intense struggles with someone, your relationship with that person changes. Liz, Tayler, Kara, Shailey, Lucky, Brecken, Joy.... I've been through so much with all of them. Liz, Shailey, and Kara especially. I couldn't just talk to a kid in class about my struggles with my self-esteem, or other things. I couldn't talk about addictions that I'm fighting to break. These girls understand where I'm coming from, because they've been there too.
Another reason? I love feeling wanted, feeling needed. If I can help my friends in any way, I will. I've always been that way. I have given time, money, and sleep over to my friends, and I don't regret any of it. Well... the choice to spend all of my savings during my Junior year was kind of stupid, I'll admit. I like feeling useful. And with all of my issues, I find it difficult to feel needed by people who have their lives in order. I'm not saying that my friends don't have their lives in order, but they have struggles. We can talk on such a deeper level.
Anyways, I just want my friends out there to know that I love them. I'm always thinking about you guys, and wondering how you're doing and if you need anything. I want to be there for you just as much as you've been there for me, if not more. And day or night, no matter what, I'm here if you need me. Love you all!!!!!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Not Sure What Will Happen In The End
I don't know why, but tonight is really hard for me. So much is going on around me, and I feel like I'm stuck in place. My mom tells me to not move backwards. Trust me, I'm not. I will NEVER go back to where and who I used to be, but I don't know if I want to be what everyone else wants me to be. How can I move forward when I'm not 100% sure about what I'm moving towards????
I don't want to live my life for others, but I feel like I'll be letting so many people down if I don't follow THEIR guidelines, and live by THEIR expectations. I have so many things that I want to do in life.... I want to travel, I want to fall in love, I want to kiss in the rain, I want to write more songs, I want to have two or three degrees from school. I want to go on adventures and have successes and disappointments. After all, disappointments usually lead to more success.
I wrote the other day about how I am going to change myself. Well, that's still the case.... but the wishing I was another person thing?????? That's a little more difficult. I can't help but envy my two best friends here in Utah, and their triumphs. One goes out with the ladies at work today, and comes back with a free soda and a number from the cashier! The other need never be afraid of being alone, seeing how amazing and beautiful she is. I truly have wonderful friends, and a wonderful family, and I meet new wonderful people all the time..... but still..... I do struggle with envy.
Honestly? I want to be in love. I want to find a guy who wants to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to him. I want a guy who follows through, who's serious... but loves to laugh. I want someone with dreams and ambitions, and the courage to at least TRY to make them into a reality. I want someone to hold me the way I see others held. I want to kiss and be kissed, and hold hands while at the store. Hence the envy. I know I am the master of that, but it makes sense in my head.
Where will I be in the end? What am I going to be doing? Who will I be with? There are so many questions unanswered, and sometimes it honestly terrifies me. I want to move forward in life, but I'm scared because I don't know where I'll end up specifically. I guess I just have to take those first few steps.... STEP INTO THE UNKNOWN.
I don't want to live my life for others, but I feel like I'll be letting so many people down if I don't follow THEIR guidelines, and live by THEIR expectations. I have so many things that I want to do in life.... I want to travel, I want to fall in love, I want to kiss in the rain, I want to write more songs, I want to have two or three degrees from school. I want to go on adventures and have successes and disappointments. After all, disappointments usually lead to more success.
I wrote the other day about how I am going to change myself. Well, that's still the case.... but the wishing I was another person thing?????? That's a little more difficult. I can't help but envy my two best friends here in Utah, and their triumphs. One goes out with the ladies at work today, and comes back with a free soda and a number from the cashier! The other need never be afraid of being alone, seeing how amazing and beautiful she is. I truly have wonderful friends, and a wonderful family, and I meet new wonderful people all the time..... but still..... I do struggle with envy.
Honestly? I want to be in love. I want to find a guy who wants to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to him. I want a guy who follows through, who's serious... but loves to laugh. I want someone with dreams and ambitions, and the courage to at least TRY to make them into a reality. I want someone to hold me the way I see others held. I want to kiss and be kissed, and hold hands while at the store. Hence the envy. I know I am the master of that, but it makes sense in my head.
Where will I be in the end? What am I going to be doing? Who will I be with? There are so many questions unanswered, and sometimes it honestly terrifies me. I want to move forward in life, but I'm scared because I don't know where I'll end up specifically. I guess I just have to take those first few steps.... STEP INTO THE UNKNOWN.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
To Wish You Were Someone Else Is To Waste The Person You Are
"To Wish You Were Someone Else Is To Waste The Person You Are."
I must admire the brilliance of Kurt Cobain. Not only was he a great musician, he was a great intellectual as well. I read this quote earlier this week, and it has been sticking with me. Lately, I have been hating who I am. I'm just going to be honest. I see the success of my friends, and my family, and people I don't even know, and I can't help but wish to trade places. Actually, I wouldn't wish my situation upon anyone, so I'd rather just BE them, no trading necessary. I don't mean to be a downer, but that's just the way things have been. I may be successful in work and school, but that is not all there is to living life.
I think of the song from Jewel "What You Are." It goes along the lines of "I give love to others, but I give myself hell." I am always encouraging my friends, telling them how amazing they are, seeing in them what they don't see in themselves. I will never call my friends ugly, or stupid (unless they truly deserve the title haha) and I'll NEVER ever discourage their ambitions and dreams. But.... it's quite the opposite story when people try to do that for me. I shun compliments, I keep my complaints to myself, and I rarely open up to people.
So, as I said before, that quote has been sticking with me. Some changes have been happening in my life. There have been deaths, the creation of life, moving away, moving back, everything. I have gained new friends, and lost old ones. Change is inevitable. And instead of wishing I were someone else, I am trying to "Be the change [I] see in the world".... or at least in other people. I'm trying to stop putting myself down, and I'm looking to make new friends, and be more adventurous. Hopefully I will be able to open up a little more and trust more than myself.
School is over, and I've gotten good grades! That's good thing #1! I'm losing weight at a consistent rate, and people have actually started commenting on it! It honestly never feels real when it's only myself noticing it. So that's good thing #2! I have amazing friends. One is always with me making me laugh, and another is always texting me, lifting me up. She even wrote a blog about me! I have more friends other places, but these two have been my lifeline to sanity.... or maybe it's insanity. Good thing #3! I have an incredible family, and I couldn't ask for more from them. Distance is hard (2 sisters living 4 hours away :/) but I do what I can. I think they might be getting sick of my phone calls. I am so blessed to have a tight knit extended family too. Good thing #4! I just got a letter from my cousin Josh in Portugal, and I've written letters to Skyler in Brasil and Taylor in Guatemala. Good thing #5!
I'm not going to wish I was someone else. I'm going to change myself into the person I know I can be. I'm going to love myself. Who knows? Maybe other people will some day be inspired by me!
:)
I must admire the brilliance of Kurt Cobain. Not only was he a great musician, he was a great intellectual as well. I read this quote earlier this week, and it has been sticking with me. Lately, I have been hating who I am. I'm just going to be honest. I see the success of my friends, and my family, and people I don't even know, and I can't help but wish to trade places. Actually, I wouldn't wish my situation upon anyone, so I'd rather just BE them, no trading necessary. I don't mean to be a downer, but that's just the way things have been. I may be successful in work and school, but that is not all there is to living life.
I think of the song from Jewel "What You Are." It goes along the lines of "I give love to others, but I give myself hell." I am always encouraging my friends, telling them how amazing they are, seeing in them what they don't see in themselves. I will never call my friends ugly, or stupid (unless they truly deserve the title haha) and I'll NEVER ever discourage their ambitions and dreams. But.... it's quite the opposite story when people try to do that for me. I shun compliments, I keep my complaints to myself, and I rarely open up to people.
So, as I said before, that quote has been sticking with me. Some changes have been happening in my life. There have been deaths, the creation of life, moving away, moving back, everything. I have gained new friends, and lost old ones. Change is inevitable. And instead of wishing I were someone else, I am trying to "Be the change [I] see in the world".... or at least in other people. I'm trying to stop putting myself down, and I'm looking to make new friends, and be more adventurous. Hopefully I will be able to open up a little more and trust more than myself.
School is over, and I've gotten good grades! That's good thing #1! I'm losing weight at a consistent rate, and people have actually started commenting on it! It honestly never feels real when it's only myself noticing it. So that's good thing #2! I have amazing friends. One is always with me making me laugh, and another is always texting me, lifting me up. She even wrote a blog about me! I have more friends other places, but these two have been my lifeline to sanity.... or maybe it's insanity. Good thing #3! I have an incredible family, and I couldn't ask for more from them. Distance is hard (2 sisters living 4 hours away :/) but I do what I can. I think they might be getting sick of my phone calls. I am so blessed to have a tight knit extended family too. Good thing #4! I just got a letter from my cousin Josh in Portugal, and I've written letters to Skyler in Brasil and Taylor in Guatemala. Good thing #5!
I'm not going to wish I was someone else. I'm going to change myself into the person I know I can be. I'm going to love myself. Who knows? Maybe other people will some day be inspired by me!
:)
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