Yesterday..... Was AMAZZZZZIIIIINNNNGGGGG!!!!
Allysa was a wittle sweepyhead and slept in until about noon, so I lounged around for most of the morning. We went through the now routine process of getting ready, and headed out the door to Fremont at about 2. I have gotten the swing of using BART, and I love riding the train. Allysa and I love people watching on the train too. We pulled into Embarcadero Station around 3:00, and again, my heart skipped a couple beats. I know it's totally cheesy, but coming up the escalator onto Market Street, surroun;ded by street vendors, and shadowed by skyscrapers, I fell in love all over again. That's all I'll say about it. Haha.
Llysa and I walked around the indoor marketplace on Embarcadero and Market. There were pastry shops, artisan cheese stands, meat markets, organic grocery shops, all stuffed into one building. So much fun. Allysa couldn't have most of the stuff there, due to food allergies, so we went to the Plant Cafe Organic. She got some nassstttyyy drink,(What can I say? Organic and I have never seen eye to eye...) and some banana bread that didn't taste half bad.
We were able to meet up with Liz and Teran for a little bit, and found them attempting to donate to an organization.... but the guy wouldn't shut up! It was kind of funny to watch. We walked with them to their car, and said adios as they left to go see Harry Potter (Ooohhh the jealousy!).
Allysa and I headed to Pier 39, just enjoying the weather.... well, I don't know if Llysa was.... and I was very surprised and happy to meet up with our other friend Stephanie! Who would've though we'd all see each other in San Fran, since we all met in Utah! Haha. The rest of the evening was spent shopping around Pier 39, and around all the other shops along the bay. We got super hyper, and I swear we were going to get kicked out of the Ghirardelli store, where I bought my daddy some chocolate. We loved dancing to all the music the street musicians played, and watching the various street artists. We were watching one of those groups that can paint incredible pictures in minutes using spraypaint, and Steph and Llysa got free paintings for dancing with the artists. It was awesome! We said goodbye to Steph, and I was sad to see the evening winding down.
I was able to get all my souvenir shopping done for my family and Shay Shay (Bryson included!). I got a yummy crepe at Pier 39, and we watched a cool fire dancer, then Allysa and I headed back to the train station. The night was really cold, but it was awesome to see that the city was still alive. True, there weren't as many people, but in Salt Lake, shops wouldn't be open at 11 at night. No way. Allysa and I were even more tired than we had been on Wednesday, and we didn't say much. We just did more people watching on the train. When we got home, Allysa Skyped with her boyfriend, and I pretty much passed out.
I really hope that someday I can move here. I'd love to live in the heart of San Fransisco.... but I'll do what I can afford. Today Llysa and I are spending the day in Santa Cruz, and from the way Llysa talks about it.... I can't wait!!!!! Tomorrow I head home :( I won't think about that now. I'm just going to enjoy today!!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
I'll Be Leaving My Heart In San Fransisco- Day 2
Another Sunny Day In Californ-i-ayyyyy....
I honestly feel high out here. I'm so happy. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's because I'm with my best friend. Some people call us a couple, some call us sisters. Our relationship is hard to describe. Just to put everyone's concerns to rest.... we are NOT a couple haha. But I love her with all of my heart. Allysa knows the real me. She understands me and and loves me the way I am. I have loved spending every moment with her here, talking to her about everything. She's amazing.
Yesterday was more of a quiet day. I slept in until about 11, and Allysa was babysitting until about 3. So I just lounged around, and rubbed out my sore legs. When she came home from work, we made a run to Taco Bell for my empty grumbling tummy.... and then started getting ready. I love getting dressed up with Llysa because it takes sooo long, and it's so fun. Doing hair, makeup, everything. She makes me look good haha.
At about 6 we left for Redwood City to see..... LIZZZZZZ!!!!! She had invited us to her and Teran's commitment ceremony, and I was sooo excited!! The drive was about 30 minutes, and Llysa and I just listened to great music. We finally got to the park, and I FINALLY got to meet Teran. I was so happy to see Liz again. Oh how I have missed that girl. The ceremony was cute and to the point, with Teran and Liz exchanging vows, lighting a unity candle, and the family and friends tying knots to their handfasting rope. After the ceremony, we went to Applebee's. Liz says her family liked me. Yay!!!! It was super fun to be with Allysa and Liz, and just talking like we used to. I am grateful to be able to talk to Liz via text or phone or xbox(haha) but in person? There's no contest there!
Allysa and I headed home around 9:30 pm, with plans to meet Liz and Teran in SF the next day (being today). A super relaxed and fun day. I enjoyed it. I loved catching up with Liz, meeting Teran, and falling in love with more of California. <3
Now for more adventures in San Fransisco!!!!
I honestly feel high out here. I'm so happy. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's because I'm with my best friend. Some people call us a couple, some call us sisters. Our relationship is hard to describe. Just to put everyone's concerns to rest.... we are NOT a couple haha. But I love her with all of my heart. Allysa knows the real me. She understands me and and loves me the way I am. I have loved spending every moment with her here, talking to her about everything. She's amazing.
Yesterday was more of a quiet day. I slept in until about 11, and Allysa was babysitting until about 3. So I just lounged around, and rubbed out my sore legs. When she came home from work, we made a run to Taco Bell for my empty grumbling tummy.... and then started getting ready. I love getting dressed up with Llysa because it takes sooo long, and it's so fun. Doing hair, makeup, everything. She makes me look good haha.
At about 6 we left for Redwood City to see..... LIZZZZZZ!!!!! She had invited us to her and Teran's commitment ceremony, and I was sooo excited!! The drive was about 30 minutes, and Llysa and I just listened to great music. We finally got to the park, and I FINALLY got to meet Teran. I was so happy to see Liz again. Oh how I have missed that girl. The ceremony was cute and to the point, with Teran and Liz exchanging vows, lighting a unity candle, and the family and friends tying knots to their handfasting rope. After the ceremony, we went to Applebee's. Liz says her family liked me. Yay!!!! It was super fun to be with Allysa and Liz, and just talking like we used to. I am grateful to be able to talk to Liz via text or phone or xbox(haha) but in person? There's no contest there!
Allysa and I headed home around 9:30 pm, with plans to meet Liz and Teran in SF the next day (being today). A super relaxed and fun day. I enjoyed it. I loved catching up with Liz, meeting Teran, and falling in love with more of California. <3
Now for more adventures in San Fransisco!!!!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I'll Be Leaving My Heart In San Fransisco - Day 1
Wow... that's all I can say. I LOVE IT HERE.
I left Salt Lake around 12:30 on Tuesday. Everyone I talked to was terrified about me driving on my own. "Call me if you get tired." "Stop for lots of breaks." "If you start dozing, PULL OVER." Come on. I can play Halo until 5 am and wake up four hours later. Sleep? Who does that these days?! The drive was awesome. Although the scenery was sometime monotonous, I loved driving through the mountains, and passing Tahoe and Donner Lake. It was awesome to just jam out to music and drive. I had a lot of thinking time. I love thinking time. The best part? I cut an hour and half out of my drive. The Worst part? I got a freaking speeding ticket from a cranky California cop. Even if I DID deserve it.... GRRRRRR!!!!! Allysa and I had a wonderful reunion, and even though I was freaking out about a misplaced wallet.... I am SO happy to be with her and spending every day with her. I was super tired though and passed out the minute I laid down.
Wednesday morning, I woke up to an empty house. Allysa had gone over to her aunt and uncles house to babysit. She also informed me that she had found my wallet. I was soooo relieved. She picked me up and took me over to the house, where I met her grandparents and two of her cute nephews. She watched them for a little while, and we made plans to go to San Fransisco for the day. Her grandma let her leave early so we could spend the day there :)
We went home and got all dolled up and cute (Allysa obviously defeating me in that department :P) and we went to the BART station. I must say.... I prefer BART over TRAX ANYDAY! (Sorry for all the capitals) I figured out the train system pretty fast, and we rode into San Francisco. The train was SUPER loud sometimes, and Allysa told me it was "the sound of the shrieking eels..." The station we pulled into, Embarcadero, was underground, so I had no idea what to expect. When we came up to ground level, I was instantly in love. There were tall buildings everwhere, and people everywhere! Street vendors, street musicians, skyscrapers, sirens, seagulls, honking, and just a few blocks away... the ocean.
Allysa and I spent the next 6 hours enjoying walking around the bay. We ate some AMAZING ice cream at Ghiradelli Square, ate lunch at Alcatrez Cafe, bought cute sunglasses at Pier 39, and took awesome pictures all along the way. We talked to some way cute guys playing their guitars (Poorboy Riot... Look them up on FB!), found an organic cafe that Allysa loved... and I couldn't get far enough away from. Haha.
By the end of the day, my feet were swelling up and threatening to fall off. It was getting dark, and we decided to head home. We walked all the way back to the station and caught the train. Llysa and I texted each other about the crazy people on the train, and just kind of relaxed. We finally got back to the house, and we were both exhausted.
Even though it was just my first day out in San Fransisco, I am in love. I love the vibe of that city, the cool people, the music everywhere, the night life, the day life, the shops, the food, EVERYTHING. San Fransisco seems to breathe on its own, and you can feel it. Ugh, it's a shame about the cost of living there. Otherwise, I'd bring all my stuff here now.
I will post pictures soon! Day 2 is still happening, with my reunion to my BELOVED ELIZABETH to happen tonight! YAYYYYY!
Friday, June 24, 2011
This Is Me :)
This week has had many ups, and some downs too. I've been crazy busy, and have also had lots of time to think. I've been going on walks every night, just me and my music. Ahh, how I love music :)
Some of my highlights this week:
Remember the friendship I lost a few weeks back? Well.... it's on the mend :) So I guess loss wasn't the right word.... temporarily put on hold. I'm not sure what will happen. When you're closer than close to someone, you have great power to hurt them if you choose to. When things are said, and the hurt is there, it's hard to come back.... but I love her, and we know what made our friendship go sour. Changes are happening.
On Wednesday, I was soooo excited to have my sisters come over. I remember when I was younger, Savannah and Morgan and I would have a girls night every once in a while. No parents. Usually just a movie, ice cream, and us talking. It's a little harder to do with the three girls and Lexie, but it's a girls night nonetheless. We played in the pool for most of the afternoon (my neck is still sore from swimming from Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty hanging onto me while I swam). Since my roommate has been packing up stuff, we had a picnic outside for dinner. Minus my roommate packing, I planned the day pretty well! I miss spending time with my sisters, and it was good to talk to them, and watch my adorable little neice.
My roommate's packing has been pretty fun. I've been preparing to go shopping for all the stuff I'm going to need when she leaves. (Everything in the living room and kitchen belonged to her.) BUT! As she is downsizing, she's leaving A LOT behind. She gave me a bunch of kitchen stuff, the microwave, and is selling me her washer and dryer for CHEAP! I'm soo excited to be in charge of my own place, and to find the roommate I know I'd get along with :P
Due to the fact that most of my friends are out of state, mainly in California (and Wyoming), I have had a lot of thinking and along time to myself. I've made realizations, both good and bad. I've come to realize that some people are VERY good at telling you what you want to hear, even when their actions scream the opposite. I have re-discovered that the true friends are the ones who aren't afraid to call you out on your crap.I don't need people who don't need me.
I am NOT going to change my attitude, my looks, my values, my life... just so other people can approve. I am who I am. This is me :) My name is Jasmine. I go by Jazz, Jazzy, Jazz-Meister, Jazzy-Fizzle... and Kimo Sabe (thanks to Allysa). I love to do things for other people. I am a huge fan of laughing and teasing. FAMILY IS MY LIFE. MUSIC IS MY PASSION, I love to make new friends. I value honesty more than you know. I have an awesome family and great friends. I know I say that a lot, but it's the truth!
This is me. You don't like it? That's OK. There are other people out in the world who match your style. Please move on :)
Some of my highlights this week:
Remember the friendship I lost a few weeks back? Well.... it's on the mend :) So I guess loss wasn't the right word.... temporarily put on hold. I'm not sure what will happen. When you're closer than close to someone, you have great power to hurt them if you choose to. When things are said, and the hurt is there, it's hard to come back.... but I love her, and we know what made our friendship go sour. Changes are happening.
On Wednesday, I was soooo excited to have my sisters come over. I remember when I was younger, Savannah and Morgan and I would have a girls night every once in a while. No parents. Usually just a movie, ice cream, and us talking. It's a little harder to do with the three girls and Lexie, but it's a girls night nonetheless. We played in the pool for most of the afternoon (my neck is still sore from swimming from Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty hanging onto me while I swam). Since my roommate has been packing up stuff, we had a picnic outside for dinner. Minus my roommate packing, I planned the day pretty well! I miss spending time with my sisters, and it was good to talk to them, and watch my adorable little neice.
My roommate's packing has been pretty fun. I've been preparing to go shopping for all the stuff I'm going to need when she leaves. (Everything in the living room and kitchen belonged to her.) BUT! As she is downsizing, she's leaving A LOT behind. She gave me a bunch of kitchen stuff, the microwave, and is selling me her washer and dryer for CHEAP! I'm soo excited to be in charge of my own place, and to find the roommate I know I'd get along with :P
Due to the fact that most of my friends are out of state, mainly in California (and Wyoming), I have had a lot of thinking and along time to myself. I've made realizations, both good and bad. I've come to realize that some people are VERY good at telling you what you want to hear, even when their actions scream the opposite. I have re-discovered that the true friends are the ones who aren't afraid to call you out on your crap.I don't need people who don't need me.
I am NOT going to change my attitude, my looks, my values, my life... just so other people can approve. I am who I am. This is me :) My name is Jasmine. I go by Jazz, Jazzy, Jazz-Meister, Jazzy-Fizzle... and Kimo Sabe (thanks to Allysa). I love to do things for other people. I am a huge fan of laughing and teasing. FAMILY IS MY LIFE. MUSIC IS MY PASSION, I love to make new friends. I value honesty more than you know. I have an awesome family and great friends. I know I say that a lot, but it's the truth!
This is me. You don't like it? That's OK. There are other people out in the world who match your style. Please move on :)
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Thank God For All I Missed... Cause It Led Me Here To This....
I never went to Prom. I never got to go to my High School graduation. I've never been in love.... REAL love (that second grade kiss DOESN'T COUNT). I've never been a part of any sports team. I've never met my biological family. I've never been voted into anything. I've never.........
When you really start to think about it, that list can go on and on and on. It's true, I have missed out on many opportunities and chances in my life. I have been thinking a lot about that lately. All the things I screwed up, the people I hurt, the golden opportunities I skipped out on. Some things were out of my control, but others, no one is to blame but me. I have really been looking at all these missed chances, these sections I feel missing out of my life. But, as I have said before, THANK GOODNESS FOR REALIZATIONS.
I was writing a song (guitar this time people... it's gonna be big.... well, ya know....) and was trying to make it sound like a love song. It got me thinking about love. And, as I haven't really had that chance yet, I started overthinking. Hey, what can I say? I'm a girl???? :) I have loved a lot of people in my short life span. My mom, my dad, my sisters, Allysa and Liz,..... friends and family, along with a few pets and treasured stuffed animals. True, I have yet to be swept off my feet by my prince (haha), or even nudged a little by a cute guy, but there is a lot of love in my life. Given and received.
I have spent too much time focusing on things missing. What about the things already here?! I have an amazing family. Three of my sisters had birthdays this month. Morgan turned 25 (yeah.... old I know :P), Brooklyn turned 8, and little Liberty turned 5. Tomorrow.... well today I guess.... is also Father's Day. A whole day dedicated to celebrating my awesome dad. Yes, I may differ in opinion on some things with my family, but they're still my family.
I have amazing friends, and continue to make more. It's nice having friends I can go grab lunch with during the day.... and friends I can violently slaughter at night..... Ahem. If you don't know what I mean.... just don't worry about it. I talked with Allysa on Skype last night. I thank God for inspiring some individual to come up with that program. I talked with Lissa and her brother and sister. It was so much fun, and made me even more excited to see her next month. I was able to talk with Liz earlier this week, and that was SO fun! I also get to see her next month, and am excited beyond words.
My roommate just informed me that she is moving out this month, and although we have had some good times....umm...yeah.... I am very excited to make this place my own. New furniture, new roommate, new rules. A place that will finally feel like home. PARTY!!!!!! Haha.... no, seriously though, housewarming party in August anyone??? :)
I think sometimes we forget the good things because the bad, or mildly annoying or disappointing things are so much more dramatic. I used the line from the Darius Rucker song for my post title for a reason. I am grateful for things that have happened in the past. They may have sucked at the time, and sucky times may still come, but I have been, and will continue to be shaped by them. They make me ME! And I'm learning to love that!
When you really start to think about it, that list can go on and on and on. It's true, I have missed out on many opportunities and chances in my life. I have been thinking a lot about that lately. All the things I screwed up, the people I hurt, the golden opportunities I skipped out on. Some things were out of my control, but others, no one is to blame but me. I have really been looking at all these missed chances, these sections I feel missing out of my life. But, as I have said before, THANK GOODNESS FOR REALIZATIONS.
I was writing a song (guitar this time people... it's gonna be big.... well, ya know....) and was trying to make it sound like a love song. It got me thinking about love. And, as I haven't really had that chance yet, I started overthinking. Hey, what can I say? I'm a girl???? :) I have loved a lot of people in my short life span. My mom, my dad, my sisters, Allysa and Liz,..... friends and family, along with a few pets and treasured stuffed animals. True, I have yet to be swept off my feet by my prince (haha), or even nudged a little by a cute guy, but there is a lot of love in my life. Given and received.
I have spent too much time focusing on things missing. What about the things already here?! I have an amazing family. Three of my sisters had birthdays this month. Morgan turned 25 (yeah.... old I know :P), Brooklyn turned 8, and little Liberty turned 5. Tomorrow.... well today I guess.... is also Father's Day. A whole day dedicated to celebrating my awesome dad. Yes, I may differ in opinion on some things with my family, but they're still my family.
I have amazing friends, and continue to make more. It's nice having friends I can go grab lunch with during the day.... and friends I can violently slaughter at night..... Ahem. If you don't know what I mean.... just don't worry about it. I talked with Allysa on Skype last night. I thank God for inspiring some individual to come up with that program. I talked with Lissa and her brother and sister. It was so much fun, and made me even more excited to see her next month. I was able to talk with Liz earlier this week, and that was SO fun! I also get to see her next month, and am excited beyond words.
My roommate just informed me that she is moving out this month, and although we have had some good times....umm...yeah.... I am very excited to make this place my own. New furniture, new roommate, new rules. A place that will finally feel like home. PARTY!!!!!! Haha.... no, seriously though, housewarming party in August anyone??? :)
I think sometimes we forget the good things because the bad, or mildly annoying or disappointing things are so much more dramatic. I used the line from the Darius Rucker song for my post title for a reason. I am grateful for things that have happened in the past. They may have sucked at the time, and sucky times may still come, but I have been, and will continue to be shaped by them. They make me ME! And I'm learning to love that!
Friday, June 10, 2011
No Regrets!
It's been too long since I wrote last! A lot has happened, yet at the same time, nothing at all. School is over, and I'm loving the summer so far :) Mostly, I just work. But I have done other things as well.
My music is coming along great! I wrote a new song a couple weeks ago... Just not sure what to do with it. It's not a song I can sing myself, so I need to find the right voice. I actually have another song in progress now, a song about music :) Hopefully it will turn out the way I'm hearing it in my head!
I have kept busy with work, and have developed a true love for my xbox! Call me a nerd, laugh at me, doesn't matter. I'm getting good at it (I have a great coach :P) and Xbox live is a blast! I have actually met some really cool people... well, not met.... but still!!!!! I wish I could meet some of them... but either way, it's fun. It gives me something to do during my free time, which is usually after 11 PM. Oh the times when one discovers a new hobby! Another fun little adventure: I was able to reconnect with an old friend from high school, and that has been AWESOME! He's a good friend when I need one :)
I went to Arizona this last weekend, and had a really good time. I spent some time with an old friend, and it was great to take a break from work. It didn't end quite the way I expected, and I lost a friendship. I've really been struggling with it this week, and with arguments that have occurred since then. I made some realizations today though. The loss of one friend has made me realize what I can do better with other, and future friends. I am who I am, and I want people in my life who accept me and love me for that.
I talked to Allysa about all this today. Oh how I love that girl. She helped me to realize that I don't people in my life who don't accept me. No matter where I go, I still have a past. And if someone can't deal with that, it's OK! I am going to live life in the moment. NO worrying about what others think. Man... this is going to be fun!
My music is coming along great! I wrote a new song a couple weeks ago... Just not sure what to do with it. It's not a song I can sing myself, so I need to find the right voice. I actually have another song in progress now, a song about music :) Hopefully it will turn out the way I'm hearing it in my head!
I have kept busy with work, and have developed a true love for my xbox! Call me a nerd, laugh at me, doesn't matter. I'm getting good at it (I have a great coach :P) and Xbox live is a blast! I have actually met some really cool people... well, not met.... but still!!!!! I wish I could meet some of them... but either way, it's fun. It gives me something to do during my free time, which is usually after 11 PM. Oh the times when one discovers a new hobby! Another fun little adventure: I was able to reconnect with an old friend from high school, and that has been AWESOME! He's a good friend when I need one :)
I went to Arizona this last weekend, and had a really good time. I spent some time with an old friend, and it was great to take a break from work. It didn't end quite the way I expected, and I lost a friendship. I've really been struggling with it this week, and with arguments that have occurred since then. I made some realizations today though. The loss of one friend has made me realize what I can do better with other, and future friends. I am who I am, and I want people in my life who accept me and love me for that.
I talked to Allysa about all this today. Oh how I love that girl. She helped me to realize that I don't people in my life who don't accept me. No matter where I go, I still have a past. And if someone can't deal with that, it's OK! I am going to live life in the moment. NO worrying about what others think. Man... this is going to be fun!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
A Mother Who Is Really A Mother Is Never Free
This week, it seems adoption has been brought up several times around me. Other things have been going on too. My mother is losing both her parents, and I my grandparents. Watching my mom go through this is so hard. It's helped me to realize how much I love her. My mom has done so much for me, and I will never be able to repay her. But I will always try! But on the subject of adoption, I have thought about Tanya (My biological mom) a lot.
The quote I listed as my title makes me wonder even more. Tanya's situation, from everything I've been told and read myself, was unlike that of any other mother I've heard of who has placed her child. She was 28, she had a good job, she had family support. She seemed mature, she knew what she was doing for school, she was confident in her letters. So what made her decide to place? I don't hate her for her decision, and I honestly am grateful that she chose such an amazing family. I just still wonder what made her choose what she did.
I look at what my friends are going through. Kara already placed her son. And it has changed her forever, and she struggles with the pain daily. It has affected her own first mom, and it has even affected me. I can just look at her and see the hurt, the yearning for her son. She wonders constantly how he's doing, what new things he's learning, and how he's looking. It's so hard for her. I wish so much I could help her. Shailey is eight and half weeks along in her pregnancy, and I can see already how much she loves her baby. She is constantly touching her belly, she loves looking at clothes (which drives me nuts) and she can't wait to pick a name and see it grow. I have other friends who have had kids, and I see how much they love them.
My mom asked Tanya so many questions by letter. Some really deep stuff. She asked Tanya about my father, if Tanya would continue communication, maybe eventually meet. Tanya answered some of the questions, but honestly, I feel she was very reserved through her letters. She never really got into what she was feeling. I suppose I can understand this, as LDSFS read the letters before my parents apparently. But still, she rarely asked questions about me, and only occasionally talked about her love for me. Maybe I have an issue with selective reading. I don't know. Tanya WAS the one, however, who cut off communication. Mom sent multiple letters with no response. Eventually, mom stopped writing. And that was that.
What happened? Did she lose my parents address? Did she move? Was she hurting too badly to write? Did she just want to forget about everything and move on with a fresh start? Does she wonder how I'm doing? Did she ever try to find me? Did my father? What is his name? Tanya said I looked like my father as a baby, is that still true? Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for Tanya's decision to place. I truly love my family with all of my heart. I couldn't ask for anything more. I just have questions. Questions that weren't answered by 5 months of occasional letter writing, or in the very selective adoption information. I am not looking for another family. I wonder, however, if Tanya has ever struggled with some of the things I struggle with. It would be nice to know what she looks like. I wonder if she is free, like in the quote, or if she is still always thinking about me. Even though I have questions, and I wonder if Tanya moved on or just felt to much pain, I will always be thankful to her for making me a Widmer. She made a wonderful choice.
The quote I listed as my title makes me wonder even more. Tanya's situation, from everything I've been told and read myself, was unlike that of any other mother I've heard of who has placed her child. She was 28, she had a good job, she had family support. She seemed mature, she knew what she was doing for school, she was confident in her letters. So what made her decide to place? I don't hate her for her decision, and I honestly am grateful that she chose such an amazing family. I just still wonder what made her choose what she did.
I look at what my friends are going through. Kara already placed her son. And it has changed her forever, and she struggles with the pain daily. It has affected her own first mom, and it has even affected me. I can just look at her and see the hurt, the yearning for her son. She wonders constantly how he's doing, what new things he's learning, and how he's looking. It's so hard for her. I wish so much I could help her. Shailey is eight and half weeks along in her pregnancy, and I can see already how much she loves her baby. She is constantly touching her belly, she loves looking at clothes (which drives me nuts) and she can't wait to pick a name and see it grow. I have other friends who have had kids, and I see how much they love them.
My mom asked Tanya so many questions by letter. Some really deep stuff. She asked Tanya about my father, if Tanya would continue communication, maybe eventually meet. Tanya answered some of the questions, but honestly, I feel she was very reserved through her letters. She never really got into what she was feeling. I suppose I can understand this, as LDSFS read the letters before my parents apparently. But still, she rarely asked questions about me, and only occasionally talked about her love for me. Maybe I have an issue with selective reading. I don't know. Tanya WAS the one, however, who cut off communication. Mom sent multiple letters with no response. Eventually, mom stopped writing. And that was that.
What happened? Did she lose my parents address? Did she move? Was she hurting too badly to write? Did she just want to forget about everything and move on with a fresh start? Does she wonder how I'm doing? Did she ever try to find me? Did my father? What is his name? Tanya said I looked like my father as a baby, is that still true? Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for Tanya's decision to place. I truly love my family with all of my heart. I couldn't ask for anything more. I just have questions. Questions that weren't answered by 5 months of occasional letter writing, or in the very selective adoption information. I am not looking for another family. I wonder, however, if Tanya has ever struggled with some of the things I struggle with. It would be nice to know what she looks like. I wonder if she is free, like in the quote, or if she is still always thinking about me. Even though I have questions, and I wonder if Tanya moved on or just felt to much pain, I will always be thankful to her for making me a Widmer. She made a wonderful choice.
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