Trying To Breathe

I don't know what's been wrong with me these last couple of weeks. I have felt like I can't breathe. Like I'm constantly tired, out of breath, and having a really bad migraine.

I think I bit off more than I could chew with two jobs. It's been nice to have the extra money... but it wasn't needed. I've just worked myself into the ground, and I don't know where I'm going to pull my energy when it's time to go back to school. I'm letting my boss know that I won't be able to work when school starts, and while I'll miss parts of the job, I'm happy to let it go.

I'm beyond excited to go back to school, but I'm nervous too. It's been a while. I'm still the same shy, socially awkard girl that I was four years ago. I had hoped to make all the necessary changed before I went back to school. Lost all of this stupid weight, acquired the self confidence I desired, and learned how to stand on my own two feet. Incomplete, incomplete, and.... half complete. I don't think I'm ready, but I have to get back into school.... unless I don't want to graduate until I'm thirty....

I've lost a total of 20 pounds (including the six I gained back). I've come to accept that the weight loss process isn't going to go the speed that I want, but I'm happy, VERY happy, with the progress that I've made. I am learning discipline, and it's nice to feel my clothes getting baggy. I just need to learn how to love myself, regardless of my appearance. If I don't find myself beautiful and wonderful, how can I expect others to do the same? WORK IN PROGRESS....

I miss my friends. All the time. Constantly. I think about them all the time, wondering how they're doing. And I'm always tempted to text them, and apologize, even if I don't know what I'm apologizing for. Then I hear things, catch wind of rumors. I have to take a step back. Things haven't changed. It's not the right time. I still have a lot of growing up to do. We all do. Sometimes... it's hard to be jealous of your friends. And to wonder all the time. That's really where the can't breathe feeling comes from.... can I trust them? Are they honest with me TO my face? Or behind my back? I'd jump in front of a bullet for them, but will they catch me when I fall? So many questions... that's not good. I really just need to forgive, forget, and move on. 

I'm so beyond grateful for the few wonderful friends that I do have. They're pretty much a sister and a brother to me. I'm blessed beyond belief to have an amazing family as well. My sisters and my cousins are my best friends, as well as my parents and my aunts and uncles. I'm glad that we can get together so often, and have the greatest of times.

I may not be able to breathe, but I'm not dead yet. I'm going to continue to live. And to laugh. And, most importantly, to love.