We'll See What Happens....

It's been a weird couple of weeks. I have had some great ups and some awful downs. I want to write this post on the topic of one of the lows. I was in my bathroom the other day, putting on my makeup and picking out my favorite accessory.... EARRINGS. Aside from my enthusiasm on that last part, I stopped and looked at myself. I realized that I have SO much that needs changing. I was becoming someone I swore I would never become. I had a good cry, pouted for a little while, and decided to not let it really get to me. But I made a promise to myself. I am going to change things. No excuses. No apologies. I am done hating what I look like and doing nothing about it. There's a lot to offer underneath it all!

So that day, almost a week ago, I decided to start a much needed process of change. No more soda. No more fast food. VERY limited amounts of sugar. So far, I have caved once with a cup of soda, twice with a run to a fast food joint, and almost every day with sugar. I know, I suck. But I'm not going to give up. I want to lose sixty pounds by May, and one hundred and ten pounds by the end of the year. And I have a lot of support, but I know I have to do it on my own. I hope I can. I know it will help my opinion of myself immensely. Wish me luck!!

Love in Unlikely Places

This week has pretty much murdered me. As I sit here posting this blog, my eyes are puffy, my nose stuff, and my hair.... actually I showered a little while ago so it's not dirty and messed up. But I'm not kidding about the eyes and nose part....

When most people meet me, I'm quiet and when  I do speak up, I just crack jokes. I'm cynical, sarcastic, and brutal on myself. My best friend has compared the wall she puts up around her heart to the Berlin Wall. I have a wall, but it doesn't have any long-range defense mechanisms. I don't shoot people down when they enter my life. I just allow them to meander across the plain, and when they get to the 'wall,' that's it. They stay there. It's like Rapunzel's Tower. If they choose to wait a few years (or milennia) they might find the secret door. But even then they have to make the long climb up the endless flight of stairs, and yeah... hopefully you get the point.

Anyways, with stresses like losing my college grant due to failing a class, and financial worries, I have really been beating myself up. I have felt totally hopeless, and completely worthless. I get teary-eyed writing about it. I could write all the things, I tell myself, but believe me when I say I hold nothing back in my self-massacre. 

All of the sudden, just when I felt something close to what I was feeling in my darker days a few years ago, I found a light at the end of my dark tunnel. The first glimmer came from my mom, who has become an 'iron rod' in my life. When I told her about my grant loss, I received this text :

"My job isn't to lecture you, but to love you always, and I DO."

That really lifted my spirits, and I owe my mom big. The next ray of light also came from her. While I was at work, she called me, exclaiming that she had found quite a few letters from my birth mother. While she read them to me, I can't explain what happened. I felt a new connection with Tanya. She apparently wore glasses, she was tall, and had had initially chosen to major in psychology and social work.... she later switched to photojournalism, because she loves to write and take photos. I also learned that as a child, I looked more like my father. Through her letters, I felt so much love from my mother by birth, and it has renewed my ambition to find her. 

The last ray of light that led me out of my tunnel of sorts, came from an unlikely source. I have lately confided a lot in a girl at work, Kelsey. She and Kara know how to get me talking. Hah. Anyways, I was having a rough day the other day, and Kelsey offered to burn me a CD of songs she likes to listen to when she needs to think about things. I was so excited, and very surprised when she surprised me with 6 CDs!!! She said she found so many songs and decided to give them all to me. Most surprising of all was when she handed me a letter with the CDs. I read the letter while I sat in my parked car, listening to the music. Kelsey really gave me a wake up call with the way I look at myself, and I felt incredibly touched, as she is one of the people I admire most in my life.

I realize that I have a lot to change in my life. I'm tired of beating myself up constantly and relentlessly, and still not changing a thing. 2011 will hopefully see the end of my old self and the beginning of my new self. I'm terrified, anxious, excited, and interested to see where this journey will take me. I hope to discover even more love in unlikely places.

Resolutions....Yikes

It's 2011.... 20 years ago this year I came into the world. Poor World :P Well, as is custom for ever beginning to a new year, I have made some resolutions. To be honest, I SUCK at sticking to resolutions.... but we'll see how this year goes:

1. Lose 100 lbs.... crazy right?! But I'm going to do it. I'm tired of envying EVERY single one of my friends, wishing I looked like them. I'm gonna be good looking by the end of the year. I hope. Oops hold on, let me finish my Big Mac over here.....

2. Get A's in every class for a semester. Folks, this hasn't been done since freshman and sophomore year... so about 2004-2005. But I know if I put my heart into school, at least a portion of my heart, maybe a sliver.... yeah I can do it!

3. Go on a trip. I'm not talking to St. George (sorry sisters :P) I want to go to on a cruise, or to Europe, or a cruise TO Europe. For sure I'm going to take a road trip, hitting up Wyoming, Arizona then Cali to see all the friends I miss dearly. Lily's a good car. She'll make it!

4. Go on a date.... I'd really like to get asked out on ONE date by a guy this year. I guess I could accept an offer from a girl. JUST KIDDING!!!!! But the THREE dates I went on last year were set up by friends. No bueno. I need to socialize! Also part of this section: Make new friends, and keep up with the old.

5. I want to get busy with photography. I've almost got enough saved up to get the camera I want. I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!! I've taken some photos in the past that I've LOVED, and I really think I can go further. I want to be able to take photos of the teenagers I hope to help AFTER they've gone through therapy, or the program. I don't know, still working out that one.......

6. Last, but not least, I want to write three new songs by June. I don't know what they're going to be about, but they shall be legen.... wait for it..... DARY!!!!! (Name that show)

Happy New Year to everyone. This blog is going to be switching it up soon, as I'm going to blogging about certain topics all year round, as opposed to the scatter-brained entries that have been posted previously. Hope you all succeed in your resolutions!