BaCk On TrAcK

The past week or so has put a halt on my life, and my thoughts. I have been distracted. But, as I said I wouldn't, I didn't give up. I got through it. I sucked it up and moved on.

Now? I am back on track. I have one goal in my mind.... well... one really focused goal right now. Find my parents..... or at least find out ABOUT them. I'm not sure I'm ready to meet either of them. They have probably moved on and have families of their own. I know my dad was married, and Tanya always seemed so distant in her letters.

Regardless... I would like to know more about them. I want to know if Tanya is her real name, what she looks like, maybe find her on Facebook or something. In her letters, she said I looked like my dad. Is that still true? What does he look like? Do I have other sisters and brothers? Being one of six girls... a brother could be a lot of fun! I know Tanya's dad passed away shortly after I was born, but what about my other grandparents? Aunts and uncles? Whose features do I have? What personality traits do I copy? Where did my family come from? I have always imagined that I have relatives I can visit in Ireland... with the red hair and all :)

I have imagined hundreds of scenarios. Mom's a famous journalist or musician. I have a rock star half-brother. Dad's a millionaire and will spoil me rotten. I meet them and instantly feel at home and at peace. Ha.... dream land. I know that finding them, and if I chose meeting them, could be potentially awkward. With my dad being married to someone else, I would have to introduce myself to two families. What if he never told his family? What if Tanya never told her family that came after me?

I am going to the adoption agency this week, and requesting every single bit of information that I can. I want everything I'm legally allowed to have. I won't take no for an answer. I at least want names. I have discovered Facebook to be a glorious way of "re-connecting." With a correct name, it would be simple.

I love my family, the one that I was raised in. They have offered their full support of my quest. I really really really love them.

I know who I am... but it's past time to find out where who I am came from.

I Have To Make It.....

I'm afraid. I'm 100%, paralyzingly, indescribably terrified. I don't know if I will make it through another round in the ring. That's why I got out of it. I was done being used as a punching bag. I know it was unintentional, but it still happened. I feel the pull to get back in.... to join the fight again. It sure was a thrill... the not knowing, the tension, the suspense. But I was usually the one leaving the ring in a body bag.

I know that people won't understand.  I will probably be seen as the bad guy. The unforgiving friend holding a grudge. But if that's what it takes for me to watch my own back, and be happy, then so be it. I have an amazing family, and a good life. There have been struggles, but there is NO NEED to pile more crap onto what's happened in the past.

I am given a past to LEARN from it! Not to make it happen all over again! I'm going to be strong this time. Again, some won't understand, and they will be quick to judge me. There will be haters, and sides will be drawn. But I can't do it again. I can't go through the gut-wrenching, heart-shredding pain that should NEVER come from a friend.... Yes. I will be judged. I will be seen as the mean one.


SO BE IT. I HAVE TO MAKE IT.

2.0.1.2.

So... the Mayans seemed to have run out of room on their calendar long ago.... ending it at 2012. Well, guess I'd better make this year the best then, hmmm??

Happy New Year! I can honestly say I had a fantastic New Year's Eve :) I spent it with two of my favorite people in Downtown SLC, one of my favorite places. EVE SLC was super fun :)

The party wasn't bad... but it definitely wasn't my scene. I'm not much of a crowds person... unless it's a concert. A GOOD concert. Hanna and Robin made it fun :) And we got to see an awesome fireworks show... well... part of it. We scrambled out of there as fast as we could to beat the traffic. Oh, the cleverness of me!

I also must mention that I enjoyed the Christmas season! There was a lot of good food, good company, and good times :) My family is amazing and I love them. I was grateful that we could ALL be together for Christmas!

2011 was a pretty good year.... it had its ups and downs... but I made it!!!!!

In a nutshell... the first six months were boring.... THEN!

My best friend moved away, my roommate moved out, I found 3 roommates, kicked one out, then the other, gained a 'sister', lost a 'sister' (still struggling with this), hit some of the lowest times in my life, and had some of the greatest, got new couches, hit my 2 year mark at work, paid off a lot of debt, went to Arizona, California, Wyoming, St. George, spent time with my family and love them even more, and learned a lot of lessons!

I'm so grateful for my life. And I'm grateful to those who stuck through 2011 with me!

Happy Happy New Year!