I'm afraid. I'm 100%, paralyzingly, indescribably terrified. I don't know if I will make it through another round in the ring. That's why I got out of it. I was done being used as a punching bag. I know it was unintentional, but it still happened. I feel the pull to get back in.... to join the fight again. It sure was a thrill... the not knowing, the tension, the suspense. But I was usually the one leaving the ring in a body bag.
I know that people won't understand. I will probably be seen as the bad guy. The unforgiving friend holding a grudge. But if that's what it takes for me to watch my own back, and be happy, then so be it. I have an amazing family, and a good life. There have been struggles, but there is NO NEED to pile more crap onto what's happened in the past.
I am given a past to LEARN from it! Not to make it happen all over again! I'm going to be strong this time. Again, some won't understand, and they will be quick to judge me. There will be haters, and sides will be drawn. But I can't do it again. I can't go through the gut-wrenching, heart-shredding pain that should NEVER come from a friend.... Yes. I will be judged. I will be seen as the mean one.
SO BE IT. I HAVE TO MAKE IT.
"I am given a past to LEARN from it!"
ReplyDeleteYou are a very wise woman to have figured this out at your tender age.
Let the haters hate - be true to yourself and it will all work out.