Thursday... the Turkey Day that really has NOTHING to do with the Turkey :)

This Thursday is Thanksgiving.... so I figured I should submit a post on what I'm thankful for.... Flying cars, world peace, unlimited amounts of food that won't make you fat... Oh. Wait. That's in my fantasy world. Reality has yet to catch up. :)

Life has been hectic the last month or so. I know, I always say that. But I have felt like all the emotions I could ever feel in a lifetime were crammed into September, October, and November. Blech. I have never laughed so much, cried so much, screamed so much, slept so much. But, with all the struggles that I have been through, my list of blessings is longer than ever.

I am so so so so very thankful for my family. My mom and dad are AMAZING. Our relationship isn't perfect. Far from, actually. But compared to where we were two or three Thanksgivings ago..... there's no comparison. I think the difference in where we are now is that we have all forgiven the past. There's nothing holding us back from moving forward. I can truly enjoy time with my sisters now. Morgan came home this last week, and I spent an evening with her, as well as Shane, and mom and dad. Even though we only chatted for a couple of hours, it was FUN. There wasn't any arguing, or tension... well, besides my frustration at trying to explain to Mom how to use her new iPhone. I love spending time with Morgan and Savannah, and of course, Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty. We have had struggles in the past, most of the time pitting me against my family. Sometimes, I still feel like the odd one out, but that's because I'm a redhead, a braniac.... thus better looking AND better thinking. HA!

(Old Family Photo- Still My Favorite)

I'm not just blessed to have a wonderful immediate family, but an extended family as well. I don't know where I would be without Becky and Kevin, and I thank God daily that I have such wonderful 'second parents.' I come from an AWESOME family.  "Nuff Said." My cousins are really my best friends. They've seen it all with me, and they love me none the less. It's nice to have friends who you don't have to explain everything too. They know all about the crazy (and wonderful) aunts and uncles I have, because those people are their parents. It's been hard these last few years, having a lot of my closest cousins gone on their missions. (Tia, Sky, Josh, Taylor). But I am SO happy for them, and I'll be glad when the old 'gang' can all go out and wreak havoc once again!

Another Old Photo- But With A Lot Of My 'Peeps'

I look around and see how many people are desperately looking for jobs. I have to say that I am beyond blessed to have my job. There are times when I hate the hours, and I complain. Or I say the pay is too low (IT IS) and I complain. Sometimes, my ladies make me want to take out my own eyeballs with a rusted spoon, and I complain. But, when all is said and done, I have a wonderful job. I work with great staff, and I love my ladies with all of my heart. Over the past two years I have come to see beyond their disabilities, and see them for who they truly are. They make me laugh more often than not. I love having a job where I can help people, and hey! Who wouldn't want to get paid to go to movies and go out to eat?!

I used to put a lot of stock in friendships. At times, I stupidly gave up my time, goals, etc... to the wrong friends. I have come to learn that 'Friends for Life' are VERY rare, and hardly apply to the people you meet in high school, or later in life. I've had a lot of bad friends. They weren't bad people, but I wasn't a good person when I was around them.... But I don't mean to be negative. I just mean to say that I am grateful that I have...no...AM.... learning the value of friendship, and the value of a GOOD friend. I am learning to let go. I am happy to see so many of my friends getting married, having kids, and so on. It's crazy to think that Lexi B's engaged, that Shailey's a mom. They are paving paths that I will travel down some day. They are living their lives, and I am living mine.

Still in the friendship mode, I have to insert a special note for a special someone... or some people. In the past month or so, Allysa has been more of a Savior than ever. I love her with all of my heart, and I am so happy that she is finally finding the happiness she deserves. I hope her man with treat her like the queen she is. I miss her so much, but I think it makes the times we see each other even more special.

I made a decision back in July that changed my life more than I ever thought it would. Sometimes I have regretted it, sometimes I have hated myself for making the choice.... I'm just being honest. But now, I realize that in helping a friend, I was helping myself. Hanna has become like a sister to me. And, just as I do with my other sisters, I sometimes want to strangle her. But lately, she has been there when no one else was around. We have both had road bumps and obstacles in the last couple of months. I don't think I could have gotten through them without her. I have felt loss, really painful loss, and Hanna has been the only person who has known what to say, and how to help. I love her dearly, and even in the hard times, I can't regret that long drive down to Cedar City in July. Of course.... living with Hanna meant getting to know her boyfriend Robin, yet another blessing. Robin keeps us both sane. I have never met such a good guy. If Hanna's my sister, Robin's my brother. Being one of six girls... brother is a foreign word to me. But that's what he is. He has helped me through so much as well. The three of us are always doing something... whether it's taking someone to Trax, going to the Gateway, going grocery shopping (always a disaster), or just sitting around good ol' Apartment 9-V, talking. The two of them are perfect for each other, and they're perfect for me.

The Three Amigos

Right now, I'm happy with life. I have a good job, a great family, wonderful friends. I am getting to be where I want to be. I'm losing weight, I'm going to be starting school soon, I have a roommate I actually like.... yep. Life is good. I think the best part is that I'm not living life worrying about what my friends, or my family thinks. I am taking the steps to live a life that I can be truly happy with. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

It Will ALL Work Out.

It's funny how life turns out... funny, and sad, and annoying, and frustrating, and heartbreaking, and wonderful and.... unexpected. 

So much has been happening lately. I've felt like I've been stretched thin in a million places. I have felt like I couldn't catch a break, that just struggle after struggle kept popping up. I felt like crying all the time, and lashing out at people for just talking to me. It was affecting my home life, my relationships with my friends, and even my performance at work. I was grumpy, irritated, overly sensitive...... makes it sound like a pregnancy I know :P There were so many things going on in my life and in my head, and I didn't really talk to anyone about them. I still have many secrets :( It's not healthy, I know.

Last week.... something changed. I'm not sure what it was, or how it happened. I guess I made some realizations, and these ones actually stuck. 

First off, I was constantly bitter at my friends because I felt like they just didn't care. I spent all my time worrying about them and wondering if they were ok, doing whatever I could to make them happy, and I felt ignored in return. So many people have told me that I should make new friends, and at the time, I was thinking I finally understood why. Then my thinking process changed. My friends have struggles too. They have burdens, worries, issues, and they confide in me about them. It doesn't mean their troubles are bigger than mine.... just different! How would they know how I was hurting if I didn't tell them? Knowing this has made parts of life a lot easier, and I've been able to talk to my friends with ease, and listen to them without bitterness.

The biggest change for me actually came when I was helping a friend. She was having a really bad night, and I was trying to find the right thing to say. I came across this quote:

It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will love worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.

Gordon B. Hinckley

This quote was perfect for my friend....but it was also perfect for ME! I had been stressing about so much, worrying all the time, so much so that I was sick all the time and losing weight (though the latter issue wasn't bad... it was just done in an unhealthy way). President Hinckley reminded me that sometimes things are beyond my control. I had forgotten what I'd been taught growing up. If I do my part, the Lord will do his. True, I still struggle from time to time, and occasionally feel incredibly overwhelmed (usually at night), but I'm not a mess anymore. I feel more stable, and I've actually been really level-headed, something I've missed. I'm laughing a lot more, and smiling all the time. I'm trying to find joy in the smallest of things. If I'm making the right choices, and trying to put myself on the right path, the Lord will open doors. Things will be OK... with my friends, with my family, with my SELF.

IT WILL ALL WORK OUT <3

Leader of the Band

Tonight isn't such a good night.... I feel a little lost. I know that the path I'm on is the right one.... but it makes me sort of second guess, and sometimes, regret past choices.

I remember when I was little, and when I was growing up, I was a leader. I was smart, funny, and while I wasn't the prettiest, I knew how to capture a crowd. Knowing all the answers at church helped. I was a favorite among the younger girls when I was at Girl's Camp. My family adored me, and I was the favorite niece among many aunts and uncles. (That last one hasn't changed :P)

These days, that is definitely NOT the case. Some people say I'm a leader.... but it's not for the same reasons. I feel like some people around me only follow because I have the car, the apartment, and sometimes the money. That's not being a leader! I don't want to be that kind of leader. I won't lead by not giving a crap what others think. Some people think that's healthy and cool, but in the end, you're the one losing. I won't lead by devoting my time, energy, money, and basically my life to others, either.

I really think a true leader cares what others think, but only to an extent. They care, but they won't bend from who they truly are. They are the perfect balance. I used to be that way. Now? I don't know. I know I'm on the right path, but I have to change so much. I've developed habits, and it's hard to  change them. A lot of people have thought that I'm a pushover, and that people take advantage of me. That is NOT the case. I was always the one offering. I was always giving and providing. So why would the receivers think anything is wrong? They weren't demanding, and they only started asking after I continuously offered. That's not me being a pushover. But that is me dealing with some serious thinking errors.

I'm not to that perfect balance yet. I'm leaning more on that side of caring too much what others think about me. I'm very quiet in rowdy situations, because I'm worried about what the public will think of me if I don't say something, and I'm worried about what the rowdy friend will think if I do say something. Ugh. It's complicated. Overall, I realized that sometimes, you have to leave behind the people who will hold you back. It sucks, but it's worth it.

I'm getting there. To that balance. And I'm going to be the person I know God intended me to be. If I lead, great. But I'm not going to follow. No thank you.

Contentment

Well it's been a little while since my last post. A lot has happened.

As obvious from my last posts, I went to California. When I first came back home, I was high on Cali life. All I wanted to do was go back. I was making plans to move and go to school there, and leave my life in Utah behind. But in the last few weeks, I have realized something. I'm happy here in Utah. Utah is my home. I have been born and raised here. My family and dearest friends are here. True, Utah has crazy weather, crazy drivers, and at times, crazy people. But, for now, this is where I am making my home. I'm going to school down at UVU in the spring to be on my way to owning my own recording studio.... YIPPEE... :)


Speaking of home, I signed my first lease this week!!!! YAYYYYY!!! I actually stayed at the same place I've been living for the last 10 months, and I just signed a new lease with a new roommate. Hanna has been living with me, so she's roommate number one. Times have been tough sometimes.... but she's like my sister. We can joke and laugh and sleep and play and swim and tan and do our makeup and our hair and go out and yeah.... it's fun. My other roommate is Matt :) Sweetest guy in the world. He made Hanna and I breakfast this morning: gourmet style <3 We're like our own little family. Now...? All we need is furniture hehe


My life is good right now. I had a great talk with my parents last night and was open with things that have been going on in my life. I will just say this: My parents ROCK. Mom and dad.... I love you. Always. My relationships with my friends are awesome.... while I've distanced myself from some people I don't regret it. I want to be around people who lift me up. Hanna and Matt aren't just roommates... they're my friends. I love sitting and laughing with them, and Shailey of course. OH how I love my Shay Shay. We may fight like crazy, but we get through it. My job is great, and I've picked up more hours, meaning MORE MONEYYY! I'm kinda seeing this cute boy :) We've got A LOT to work on... and I'm not sure where it will go.... but for now...? I like him <3 I've got a great place to live, great job, great family, and great friends. I'm livin, laughin, and lovin!

So far, I'm in love with the month of August :)

I'll Be Leaving My Heart in San Fransisco- Day 3

Yesterday..... Was AMAZZZZZIIIIINNNNGGGGG!!!!


Allysa was a wittle sweepyhead and slept in until about noon, so I lounged around for most of the morning. We went through the now routine process of getting ready, and headed out the door to Fremont at about 2. I have gotten the swing of using BART, and I love riding the train. Allysa and I love people watching on the train too. We pulled into Embarcadero Station around 3:00, and again, my heart skipped a couple beats. I know it's totally cheesy, but coming up the escalator onto Market Street, surroun;ded by street vendors, and shadowed by skyscrapers, I fell in love all over again. That's all I'll say about it. Haha.

Llysa and I walked around the indoor marketplace on Embarcadero and Market. There were pastry shops, artisan cheese stands, meat markets, organic grocery shops, all stuffed into one building. So much fun. Allysa couldn't have most of the stuff there, due to food allergies, so we went to the Plant Cafe Organic. She got some nassstttyyy drink,(What can I say? Organic and I have never seen eye to eye...) and some banana bread that didn't taste half bad.

We were able to meet up with Liz and Teran for a little bit, and found them attempting to donate to an organization.... but the guy wouldn't shut up! It was kind of funny to watch. We walked with them to their car, and said adios as they left to go see Harry Potter (Ooohhh the jealousy!).

Allysa and I headed to Pier 39, just enjoying the weather.... well, I don't know if Llysa was.... and I was very surprised and happy to meet up with our other friend Stephanie! Who would've though we'd all see each other in San Fran, since we all met in Utah! Haha. The rest of the evening was spent shopping around Pier 39, and around all the other shops along the bay. We got super hyper, and I swear we were going to get kicked out of the Ghirardelli store, where I bought my daddy some chocolate. We loved dancing to all the music the street musicians played, and watching the various street artists. We were watching one of those groups that can paint incredible pictures in minutes using spraypaint, and Steph and Llysa got free paintings for dancing with the artists. It was awesome! We said goodbye to Steph, and I was sad to see the evening winding down.

I was able to get all my souvenir shopping done for my family and Shay Shay (Bryson included!). I got a yummy crepe at Pier 39, and we watched a cool fire dancer, then Allysa and I headed back to the train station. The night was really cold, but it was awesome to see that the city was still alive. True, there weren't as many people, but in Salt Lake, shops wouldn't be open at 11 at night. No way. Allysa and I were even more tired than we had been on Wednesday, and we didn't say much. We just did more people watching on the train. When we got home, Allysa Skyped with her boyfriend, and I pretty much passed out.

I really hope that someday I can move here. I'd love to live in the heart of San Fransisco.... but I'll do what I can afford. Today Llysa and I are spending the day in Santa Cruz, and from the way Llysa talks about it.... I can't wait!!!!! Tomorrow I head home :( I won't think about that now. I'm just going to enjoy today!!

I'll Be Leaving My Heart In San Fransisco- Day 2

Another Sunny Day In Californ-i-ayyyyy....

I honestly feel high out here. I'm so happy. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's because I'm with my best friend. Some people call us a couple, some call us sisters. Our relationship is hard to describe. Just to put everyone's concerns to rest.... we are NOT a couple haha. But I love her with all of my heart. Allysa knows the real me. She understands me and and loves me the way I am. I have loved spending every moment with her here, talking to her about everything. She's amazing.

Yesterday was more of a quiet day. I slept in until about 11, and Allysa was babysitting until about 3. So I just lounged around, and rubbed out my sore legs. When she came home from work, we made a run to Taco Bell for my empty grumbling tummy.... and then started getting ready. I love getting dressed up with Llysa because it takes sooo long, and it's so fun. Doing hair, makeup, everything. She makes me look good haha.

At about 6 we left for Redwood City to see..... LIZZZZZZ!!!!! She had invited us to her and Teran's commitment ceremony, and I was sooo excited!! The drive was about 30 minutes, and Llysa and I just listened to great music. We finally got to the park, and I FINALLY got to meet Teran. I was so happy to see Liz again. Oh how I have missed that girl. The ceremony was cute and to the point, with Teran and Liz exchanging vows, lighting a unity candle, and the family and friends tying knots to their handfasting rope. After the ceremony, we went to Applebee's. Liz says her family liked me. Yay!!!! It was super fun to be with Allysa and Liz, and just talking like we used to. I am grateful to be able to talk to Liz via text or phone or xbox(haha) but in person? There's no contest there!

Allysa and I headed home around 9:30 pm, with plans to meet Liz and Teran in SF the next day (being today). A super relaxed and fun day. I enjoyed it. I loved catching up with Liz, meeting Teran, and falling in love with more of California. <3

Now for more adventures in San Fransisco!!!!

I'll Be Leaving My Heart In San Fransisco - Day 1

Wow... that's all I can say. I LOVE IT HERE.

I left Salt Lake around 12:30 on Tuesday. Everyone I talked to was terrified about me driving on my own. "Call me if you get tired." "Stop for lots of breaks." "If you start dozing, PULL OVER." Come on. I can play Halo until 5 am and wake up four hours later. Sleep? Who does that these days?! The drive was awesome. Although the scenery was sometime monotonous, I loved driving through the mountains, and passing Tahoe and Donner Lake. It was awesome to just jam out to music and drive. I had a lot of thinking time. I love thinking time. The best part? I cut an hour and half out of my drive. The Worst part? I got a freaking speeding ticket from a cranky California cop. Even if I DID deserve it.... GRRRRRR!!!!! Allysa and I had a wonderful reunion, and even though I was freaking out about a misplaced wallet.... I am SO happy to be with her and spending every day with her. I was super tired though and passed out the minute I laid down.

Wednesday morning, I woke up to an empty house. Allysa had gone over to her aunt and uncles house to babysit. She also informed me that she had found my wallet. I was soooo relieved. She picked me up and took me over to the house, where I met her grandparents and two of her cute nephews. She watched them for a little while, and we made plans to go to San Fransisco for the day. Her grandma let her leave early so we could spend the day there :)

We went home and got all dolled up and cute (Allysa obviously defeating me in that department :P) and we went to the BART station. I must say.... I prefer BART over TRAX ANYDAY! (Sorry for all the capitals) I figured out the train system pretty fast, and we rode into San Francisco. The train was SUPER loud sometimes, and Allysa told me it was "the sound of the shrieking eels..." The station we pulled into, Embarcadero, was underground, so I had no idea what to expect. When we came up to ground level, I was instantly in love. There were tall buildings everwhere, and people everywhere! Street vendors, street musicians, skyscrapers, sirens, seagulls, honking, and just a few blocks away... the ocean. 

Allysa and I spent the next 6 hours enjoying walking around the bay. We ate some AMAZING ice cream at Ghiradelli Square, ate lunch at Alcatrez Cafe, bought cute sunglasses at Pier 39, and took awesome pictures all along the way. We talked to some way cute guys playing their guitars (Poorboy Riot... Look them up on FB!), found an organic cafe that Allysa loved... and I couldn't get far enough away from. Haha. 

By the end of the day, my feet were swelling up and threatening to fall off. It was getting dark, and we decided to head home. We walked all the way back to the station and caught the train. Llysa and I texted each other about the crazy people on the train, and just kind of relaxed. We finally got back to the house, and  we were both exhausted.

Even though it was just my first day out in San Fransisco, I am in love. I love the vibe of that city, the cool people, the music everywhere, the night life, the day life, the shops, the food, EVERYTHING. San Fransisco seems to breathe on its own, and you can feel it. Ugh, it's a shame about the cost of living there. Otherwise, I'd bring all my stuff here now. 

I will post pictures soon! Day 2 is still happening, with my reunion to my BELOVED ELIZABETH to happen tonight! YAYYYYY!