This week, it seems adoption has been brought up several times around me. Other things have been going on too. My mother is losing both her parents, and I my grandparents. Watching my mom go through this is so hard. It's helped me to realize how much I love her. My mom has done so much for me, and I will never be able to repay her. But I will always try! But on the subject of adoption, I have thought about Tanya (My biological mom) a lot.
The quote I listed as my title makes me wonder even more. Tanya's situation, from everything I've been told and read myself, was unlike that of any other mother I've heard of who has placed her child. She was 28, she had a good job, she had family support. She seemed mature, she knew what she was doing for school, she was confident in her letters. So what made her decide to place? I don't hate her for her decision, and I honestly am grateful that she chose such an amazing family. I just still wonder what made her choose what she did.
I look at what my friends are going through. Kara already placed her son. And it has changed her forever, and she struggles with the pain daily. It has affected her own first mom, and it has even affected me. I can just look at her and see the hurt, the yearning for her son. She wonders constantly how he's doing, what new things he's learning, and how he's looking. It's so hard for her. I wish so much I could help her. Shailey is eight and half weeks along in her pregnancy, and I can see already how much she loves her baby. She is constantly touching her belly, she loves looking at clothes (which drives me nuts) and she can't wait to pick a name and see it grow. I have other friends who have had kids, and I see how much they love them.
My mom asked Tanya so many questions by letter. Some really deep stuff. She asked Tanya about my father, if Tanya would continue communication, maybe eventually meet. Tanya answered some of the questions, but honestly, I feel she was very reserved through her letters. She never really got into what she was feeling. I suppose I can understand this, as LDSFS read the letters before my parents apparently. But still, she rarely asked questions about me, and only occasionally talked about her love for me. Maybe I have an issue with selective reading. I don't know. Tanya WAS the one, however, who cut off communication. Mom sent multiple letters with no response. Eventually, mom stopped writing. And that was that.
What happened? Did she lose my parents address? Did she move? Was she hurting too badly to write? Did she just want to forget about everything and move on with a fresh start? Does she wonder how I'm doing? Did she ever try to find me? Did my father? What is his name? Tanya said I looked like my father as a baby, is that still true? Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for Tanya's decision to place. I truly love my family with all of my heart. I couldn't ask for anything more. I just have questions. Questions that weren't answered by 5 months of occasional letter writing, or in the very selective adoption information. I am not looking for another family. I wonder, however, if Tanya has ever struggled with some of the things I struggle with. It would be nice to know what she looks like. I wonder if she is free, like in the quote, or if she is still always thinking about me. Even though I have questions, and I wonder if Tanya moved on or just felt to much pain, I will always be thankful to her for making me a Widmer. She made a wonderful choice.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Truly Great Friends Are Hard To Find, Difficult To Leave, and Impossible To Forget
I have friends all over the place. I have friends in Orem, UT, in Cheyenne, WY, in San Francisco, CA. Heck, even in Munich, Germany. They are good friends. Truly amazing friends. And I love them with all of my heart. But honestly, it's difficult having them all so far away. I miss Liz every day, and I cherish the times we can text, talk on the phone, or on Xbox Live (hehe). It is very difficult to not have physical contact with someone who understands me so well. Brecken, my dearest friend from high school, is in Orem, and though that is closer than California, I never seem to have enough time to run down there for a visit. As I said, long distance best-friendships are hard.
I have been so lucky to have two amazing friends here around me. I see Kara at work, and I am always astounded at how easy it is to talk to her. She knows everything about me, nothing barred. She accepts me for all of my imperfections. She can make me laugh no matter what, and we've cried together too. And you want to know the worst part of our friendship? She's moving in a month. I'm losing yet another friend to the sunny beaches of California. I want her to be happy, but I want to be selfish too. I want to still be able to see her smiling face. Talking to her in person is so different than talking on the phone. Thank goodness for Tahoe!!
Shailey.... oh Shailey. She is the peanut butter to my jelly, the apple to my pie, the straw to my berry. I would be totally and completely in the devils fiery place without her. Shailey has seen me at my worst, and my best. We have so many inside jokes it's ridiculous. We're closer than ever because we know what it's been like to hate each other. That is not a nice feeling. Shailey can always make me laugh, and I usually won't stop laughing for a while. We can just look at each other and start giggling.... maybe that's because I'm funny looking though.... I don't know. I love spending time with her, and seeing her love grow for the baby she's carrying. It's so dang cute!!!! I would totally cry for days if she were to leave too... it sounds pathetic, but it's true.
People ask me why I have the friends I have... as they are .... unique. Why do I choose to spend more time talking to my friends in Cali rather than chatting up kids in class. Here's my answer. When you go through deep intense struggles with someone, your relationship with that person changes. Liz, Tayler, Kara, Shailey, Lucky, Brecken, Joy.... I've been through so much with all of them. Liz, Shailey, and Kara especially. I couldn't just talk to a kid in class about my struggles with my self-esteem, or other things. I couldn't talk about addictions that I'm fighting to break. These girls understand where I'm coming from, because they've been there too.
Another reason? I love feeling wanted, feeling needed. If I can help my friends in any way, I will. I've always been that way. I have given time, money, and sleep over to my friends, and I don't regret any of it. Well... the choice to spend all of my savings during my Junior year was kind of stupid, I'll admit. I like feeling useful. And with all of my issues, I find it difficult to feel needed by people who have their lives in order. I'm not saying that my friends don't have their lives in order, but they have struggles. We can talk on such a deeper level.
Anyways, I just want my friends out there to know that I love them. I'm always thinking about you guys, and wondering how you're doing and if you need anything. I want to be there for you just as much as you've been there for me, if not more. And day or night, no matter what, I'm here if you need me. Love you all!!!!!
I have been so lucky to have two amazing friends here around me. I see Kara at work, and I am always astounded at how easy it is to talk to her. She knows everything about me, nothing barred. She accepts me for all of my imperfections. She can make me laugh no matter what, and we've cried together too. And you want to know the worst part of our friendship? She's moving in a month. I'm losing yet another friend to the sunny beaches of California. I want her to be happy, but I want to be selfish too. I want to still be able to see her smiling face. Talking to her in person is so different than talking on the phone. Thank goodness for Tahoe!!
Shailey.... oh Shailey. She is the peanut butter to my jelly, the apple to my pie, the straw to my berry. I would be totally and completely in the devils fiery place without her. Shailey has seen me at my worst, and my best. We have so many inside jokes it's ridiculous. We're closer than ever because we know what it's been like to hate each other. That is not a nice feeling. Shailey can always make me laugh, and I usually won't stop laughing for a while. We can just look at each other and start giggling.... maybe that's because I'm funny looking though.... I don't know. I love spending time with her, and seeing her love grow for the baby she's carrying. It's so dang cute!!!! I would totally cry for days if she were to leave too... it sounds pathetic, but it's true.
People ask me why I have the friends I have... as they are .... unique. Why do I choose to spend more time talking to my friends in Cali rather than chatting up kids in class. Here's my answer. When you go through deep intense struggles with someone, your relationship with that person changes. Liz, Tayler, Kara, Shailey, Lucky, Brecken, Joy.... I've been through so much with all of them. Liz, Shailey, and Kara especially. I couldn't just talk to a kid in class about my struggles with my self-esteem, or other things. I couldn't talk about addictions that I'm fighting to break. These girls understand where I'm coming from, because they've been there too.
Another reason? I love feeling wanted, feeling needed. If I can help my friends in any way, I will. I've always been that way. I have given time, money, and sleep over to my friends, and I don't regret any of it. Well... the choice to spend all of my savings during my Junior year was kind of stupid, I'll admit. I like feeling useful. And with all of my issues, I find it difficult to feel needed by people who have their lives in order. I'm not saying that my friends don't have their lives in order, but they have struggles. We can talk on such a deeper level.
Anyways, I just want my friends out there to know that I love them. I'm always thinking about you guys, and wondering how you're doing and if you need anything. I want to be there for you just as much as you've been there for me, if not more. And day or night, no matter what, I'm here if you need me. Love you all!!!!!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Not Sure What Will Happen In The End
I don't know why, but tonight is really hard for me. So much is going on around me, and I feel like I'm stuck in place. My mom tells me to not move backwards. Trust me, I'm not. I will NEVER go back to where and who I used to be, but I don't know if I want to be what everyone else wants me to be. How can I move forward when I'm not 100% sure about what I'm moving towards????
I don't want to live my life for others, but I feel like I'll be letting so many people down if I don't follow THEIR guidelines, and live by THEIR expectations. I have so many things that I want to do in life.... I want to travel, I want to fall in love, I want to kiss in the rain, I want to write more songs, I want to have two or three degrees from school. I want to go on adventures and have successes and disappointments. After all, disappointments usually lead to more success.
I wrote the other day about how I am going to change myself. Well, that's still the case.... but the wishing I was another person thing?????? That's a little more difficult. I can't help but envy my two best friends here in Utah, and their triumphs. One goes out with the ladies at work today, and comes back with a free soda and a number from the cashier! The other need never be afraid of being alone, seeing how amazing and beautiful she is. I truly have wonderful friends, and a wonderful family, and I meet new wonderful people all the time..... but still..... I do struggle with envy.
Honestly? I want to be in love. I want to find a guy who wants to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to him. I want a guy who follows through, who's serious... but loves to laugh. I want someone with dreams and ambitions, and the courage to at least TRY to make them into a reality. I want someone to hold me the way I see others held. I want to kiss and be kissed, and hold hands while at the store. Hence the envy. I know I am the master of that, but it makes sense in my head.
Where will I be in the end? What am I going to be doing? Who will I be with? There are so many questions unanswered, and sometimes it honestly terrifies me. I want to move forward in life, but I'm scared because I don't know where I'll end up specifically. I guess I just have to take those first few steps.... STEP INTO THE UNKNOWN.
I don't want to live my life for others, but I feel like I'll be letting so many people down if I don't follow THEIR guidelines, and live by THEIR expectations. I have so many things that I want to do in life.... I want to travel, I want to fall in love, I want to kiss in the rain, I want to write more songs, I want to have two or three degrees from school. I want to go on adventures and have successes and disappointments. After all, disappointments usually lead to more success.
I wrote the other day about how I am going to change myself. Well, that's still the case.... but the wishing I was another person thing?????? That's a little more difficult. I can't help but envy my two best friends here in Utah, and their triumphs. One goes out with the ladies at work today, and comes back with a free soda and a number from the cashier! The other need never be afraid of being alone, seeing how amazing and beautiful she is. I truly have wonderful friends, and a wonderful family, and I meet new wonderful people all the time..... but still..... I do struggle with envy.
Honestly? I want to be in love. I want to find a guy who wants to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to him. I want a guy who follows through, who's serious... but loves to laugh. I want someone with dreams and ambitions, and the courage to at least TRY to make them into a reality. I want someone to hold me the way I see others held. I want to kiss and be kissed, and hold hands while at the store. Hence the envy. I know I am the master of that, but it makes sense in my head.
Where will I be in the end? What am I going to be doing? Who will I be with? There are so many questions unanswered, and sometimes it honestly terrifies me. I want to move forward in life, but I'm scared because I don't know where I'll end up specifically. I guess I just have to take those first few steps.... STEP INTO THE UNKNOWN.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
To Wish You Were Someone Else Is To Waste The Person You Are
"To Wish You Were Someone Else Is To Waste The Person You Are."
I must admire the brilliance of Kurt Cobain. Not only was he a great musician, he was a great intellectual as well. I read this quote earlier this week, and it has been sticking with me. Lately, I have been hating who I am. I'm just going to be honest. I see the success of my friends, and my family, and people I don't even know, and I can't help but wish to trade places. Actually, I wouldn't wish my situation upon anyone, so I'd rather just BE them, no trading necessary. I don't mean to be a downer, but that's just the way things have been. I may be successful in work and school, but that is not all there is to living life.
I think of the song from Jewel "What You Are." It goes along the lines of "I give love to others, but I give myself hell." I am always encouraging my friends, telling them how amazing they are, seeing in them what they don't see in themselves. I will never call my friends ugly, or stupid (unless they truly deserve the title haha) and I'll NEVER ever discourage their ambitions and dreams. But.... it's quite the opposite story when people try to do that for me. I shun compliments, I keep my complaints to myself, and I rarely open up to people.
So, as I said before, that quote has been sticking with me. Some changes have been happening in my life. There have been deaths, the creation of life, moving away, moving back, everything. I have gained new friends, and lost old ones. Change is inevitable. And instead of wishing I were someone else, I am trying to "Be the change [I] see in the world".... or at least in other people. I'm trying to stop putting myself down, and I'm looking to make new friends, and be more adventurous. Hopefully I will be able to open up a little more and trust more than myself.
School is over, and I've gotten good grades! That's good thing #1! I'm losing weight at a consistent rate, and people have actually started commenting on it! It honestly never feels real when it's only myself noticing it. So that's good thing #2! I have amazing friends. One is always with me making me laugh, and another is always texting me, lifting me up. She even wrote a blog about me! I have more friends other places, but these two have been my lifeline to sanity.... or maybe it's insanity. Good thing #3! I have an incredible family, and I couldn't ask for more from them. Distance is hard (2 sisters living 4 hours away :/) but I do what I can. I think they might be getting sick of my phone calls. I am so blessed to have a tight knit extended family too. Good thing #4! I just got a letter from my cousin Josh in Portugal, and I've written letters to Skyler in Brasil and Taylor in Guatemala. Good thing #5!
I'm not going to wish I was someone else. I'm going to change myself into the person I know I can be. I'm going to love myself. Who knows? Maybe other people will some day be inspired by me!
:)
I must admire the brilliance of Kurt Cobain. Not only was he a great musician, he was a great intellectual as well. I read this quote earlier this week, and it has been sticking with me. Lately, I have been hating who I am. I'm just going to be honest. I see the success of my friends, and my family, and people I don't even know, and I can't help but wish to trade places. Actually, I wouldn't wish my situation upon anyone, so I'd rather just BE them, no trading necessary. I don't mean to be a downer, but that's just the way things have been. I may be successful in work and school, but that is not all there is to living life.
I think of the song from Jewel "What You Are." It goes along the lines of "I give love to others, but I give myself hell." I am always encouraging my friends, telling them how amazing they are, seeing in them what they don't see in themselves. I will never call my friends ugly, or stupid (unless they truly deserve the title haha) and I'll NEVER ever discourage their ambitions and dreams. But.... it's quite the opposite story when people try to do that for me. I shun compliments, I keep my complaints to myself, and I rarely open up to people.
So, as I said before, that quote has been sticking with me. Some changes have been happening in my life. There have been deaths, the creation of life, moving away, moving back, everything. I have gained new friends, and lost old ones. Change is inevitable. And instead of wishing I were someone else, I am trying to "Be the change [I] see in the world".... or at least in other people. I'm trying to stop putting myself down, and I'm looking to make new friends, and be more adventurous. Hopefully I will be able to open up a little more and trust more than myself.
School is over, and I've gotten good grades! That's good thing #1! I'm losing weight at a consistent rate, and people have actually started commenting on it! It honestly never feels real when it's only myself noticing it. So that's good thing #2! I have amazing friends. One is always with me making me laugh, and another is always texting me, lifting me up. She even wrote a blog about me! I have more friends other places, but these two have been my lifeline to sanity.... or maybe it's insanity. Good thing #3! I have an incredible family, and I couldn't ask for more from them. Distance is hard (2 sisters living 4 hours away :/) but I do what I can. I think they might be getting sick of my phone calls. I am so blessed to have a tight knit extended family too. Good thing #4! I just got a letter from my cousin Josh in Portugal, and I've written letters to Skyler in Brasil and Taylor in Guatemala. Good thing #5!
I'm not going to wish I was someone else. I'm going to change myself into the person I know I can be. I'm going to love myself. Who knows? Maybe other people will some day be inspired by me!
:)
Monday, May 2, 2011
Back Again!
There really isn't a point to having a blog if I don't update it.... right? So, let me try to get back on track.
Life has been pretty hectic lately, in both good and bad ways.
School is over! Well, almost. I've got one more final to take tomorrow... oh wait, I guess it's today. But I got a B- in my Sociology class! Yay! Psychology shouldn't be too hard to pass, I've got a B so far as it is :D Compared to the 'E' I got in both classes last semester I am verrrry pleased with myself.
Work is going well! I've been at TKJ for over a year and half now, and I'm more in love with the ladies all the time. K is a riot. She's probably my favorite. She's got so much spunk and passion, and she always calls me and Kara "Sexy Legs." She hasn't been fond of me lately, but that's only because there's a new staff she's paying attention to. Haha. I hope. I really do love my job, I just wish it paid more. Then again, I don't know any individual who doesn't want a higher paying job!
Lately, I have actually been spending a ton of time with my friends. And I've been loving every single second of it. I hate to sound mean, but I love having single friends. My two best friends are just recently single, and it's been soooo nice not having to compete with their men just for a get together or a movie or something. I've been thinking about it, and Kara and Shailey are here, but all my other close friends? Out of state :/ NO BUENO!!!!!! So I'm making a goal to make some new friends. Being shy, it's going to be just a little difficult, but it will happen!
Honestly, it's hard keeping up with my blog because I'm not a very open person. I don't share all of my thoughts and desires and emotions on a web page. I'm just curious.... should I? Does a blog really have to be an online journal? I want to write so many things, but I worry about other people seeing how pathetic I truly am :P haha I don't want to voice my insecurities and worries, because there are people out there who have it worse. Sometimes I want to talk to no one in particular, just to vent. But I think in order for me to do that on a blog, I'd need to make the blog anonymous haha!
Let me know what you think... if anyone reads this!
Life has been pretty hectic lately, in both good and bad ways.
School is over! Well, almost. I've got one more final to take tomorrow... oh wait, I guess it's today. But I got a B- in my Sociology class! Yay! Psychology shouldn't be too hard to pass, I've got a B so far as it is :D Compared to the 'E' I got in both classes last semester I am verrrry pleased with myself.
Work is going well! I've been at TKJ for over a year and half now, and I'm more in love with the ladies all the time. K is a riot. She's probably my favorite. She's got so much spunk and passion, and she always calls me and Kara "Sexy Legs." She hasn't been fond of me lately, but that's only because there's a new staff she's paying attention to. Haha. I hope. I really do love my job, I just wish it paid more. Then again, I don't know any individual who doesn't want a higher paying job!
Lately, I have actually been spending a ton of time with my friends. And I've been loving every single second of it. I hate to sound mean, but I love having single friends. My two best friends are just recently single, and it's been soooo nice not having to compete with their men just for a get together or a movie or something. I've been thinking about it, and Kara and Shailey are here, but all my other close friends? Out of state :/ NO BUENO!!!!!! So I'm making a goal to make some new friends. Being shy, it's going to be just a little difficult, but it will happen!
Honestly, it's hard keeping up with my blog because I'm not a very open person. I don't share all of my thoughts and desires and emotions on a web page. I'm just curious.... should I? Does a blog really have to be an online journal? I want to write so many things, but I worry about other people seeing how pathetic I truly am :P haha I don't want to voice my insecurities and worries, because there are people out there who have it worse. Sometimes I want to talk to no one in particular, just to vent. But I think in order for me to do that on a blog, I'd need to make the blog anonymous haha!
Let me know what you think... if anyone reads this!
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