This week, it seems adoption has been brought up several times around me. Other things have been going on too. My mother is losing both her parents, and I my grandparents. Watching my mom go through this is so hard. It's helped me to realize how much I love her. My mom has done so much for me, and I will never be able to repay her. But I will always try! But on the subject of adoption, I have thought about Tanya (My biological mom) a lot.
The quote I listed as my title makes me wonder even more. Tanya's situation, from everything I've been told and read myself, was unlike that of any other mother I've heard of who has placed her child. She was 28, she had a good job, she had family support. She seemed mature, she knew what she was doing for school, she was confident in her letters. So what made her decide to place? I don't hate her for her decision, and I honestly am grateful that she chose such an amazing family. I just still wonder what made her choose what she did.
I look at what my friends are going through. Kara already placed her son. And it has changed her forever, and she struggles with the pain daily. It has affected her own first mom, and it has even affected me. I can just look at her and see the hurt, the yearning for her son. She wonders constantly how he's doing, what new things he's learning, and how he's looking. It's so hard for her. I wish so much I could help her. Shailey is eight and half weeks along in her pregnancy, and I can see already how much she loves her baby. She is constantly touching her belly, she loves looking at clothes (which drives me nuts) and she can't wait to pick a name and see it grow. I have other friends who have had kids, and I see how much they love them.
My mom asked Tanya so many questions by letter. Some really deep stuff. She asked Tanya about my father, if Tanya would continue communication, maybe eventually meet. Tanya answered some of the questions, but honestly, I feel she was very reserved through her letters. She never really got into what she was feeling. I suppose I can understand this, as LDSFS read the letters before my parents apparently. But still, she rarely asked questions about me, and only occasionally talked about her love for me. Maybe I have an issue with selective reading. I don't know. Tanya WAS the one, however, who cut off communication. Mom sent multiple letters with no response. Eventually, mom stopped writing. And that was that.
What happened? Did she lose my parents address? Did she move? Was she hurting too badly to write? Did she just want to forget about everything and move on with a fresh start? Does she wonder how I'm doing? Did she ever try to find me? Did my father? What is his name? Tanya said I looked like my father as a baby, is that still true? Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for Tanya's decision to place. I truly love my family with all of my heart. I couldn't ask for anything more. I just have questions. Questions that weren't answered by 5 months of occasional letter writing, or in the very selective adoption information. I am not looking for another family. I wonder, however, if Tanya has ever struggled with some of the things I struggle with. It would be nice to know what she looks like. I wonder if she is free, like in the quote, or if she is still always thinking about me. Even though I have questions, and I wonder if Tanya moved on or just felt to much pain, I will always be thankful to her for making me a Widmer. She made a wonderful choice.
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