I don't know why, but tonight is really hard for me. So much is going on around me, and I feel like I'm stuck in place. My mom tells me to not move backwards. Trust me, I'm not. I will NEVER go back to where and who I used to be, but I don't know if I want to be what everyone else wants me to be. How can I move forward when I'm not 100% sure about what I'm moving towards????
I don't want to live my life for others, but I feel like I'll be letting so many people down if I don't follow THEIR guidelines, and live by THEIR expectations. I have so many things that I want to do in life.... I want to travel, I want to fall in love, I want to kiss in the rain, I want to write more songs, I want to have two or three degrees from school. I want to go on adventures and have successes and disappointments. After all, disappointments usually lead to more success.
I wrote the other day about how I am going to change myself. Well, that's still the case.... but the wishing I was another person thing?????? That's a little more difficult. I can't help but envy my two best friends here in Utah, and their triumphs. One goes out with the ladies at work today, and comes back with a free soda and a number from the cashier! The other need never be afraid of being alone, seeing how amazing and beautiful she is. I truly have wonderful friends, and a wonderful family, and I meet new wonderful people all the time..... but still..... I do struggle with envy.
Honestly? I want to be in love. I want to find a guy who wants to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to him. I want a guy who follows through, who's serious... but loves to laugh. I want someone with dreams and ambitions, and the courage to at least TRY to make them into a reality. I want someone to hold me the way I see others held. I want to kiss and be kissed, and hold hands while at the store. Hence the envy. I know I am the master of that, but it makes sense in my head.
Where will I be in the end? What am I going to be doing? Who will I be with? There are so many questions unanswered, and sometimes it honestly terrifies me. I want to move forward in life, but I'm scared because I don't know where I'll end up specifically. I guess I just have to take those first few steps.... STEP INTO THE UNKNOWN.
How can I go forward when I don't know which way I'm facing?
ReplyDeleteHow can I go forward when I don't know which way to turn?
How can I go forward into something I'm not sure of?
Oh no, oh no
How can I have feeling when I don't know if it's a feeling?
How can I feel something if I just don't know how to feel?
How can I have feelings when my feelings have always been denied?
Oh no, oh no
You know life can be long
And you got to be so strong
And the world is so tough
Sometimes I feel I've had enough
How can I give love when I don't know what it is I'm giving?
How can I give love when I just don't know how to give?
How can I give love when love is something I ain't never had?
Oh no, oh no
You know life can be long
You've got to be so strong
And the world she is tough
Sometimes I feel I've had enough
How can we go forward when we don't know which way we're facing?
How can we go forward when we don't know which way to turn?
How can we go forward into something we're not sure of?
Oh no, oh no
-John Lennon.
Jasmine, you are truly an amazing and inspiring human being. & I KNOW you will find someone who sees what i see in you and sooooo much more.!! its inevitable because of the person that you are!! I have so much faith in you!! You are one of the strongest people i have ever come across. I love you. And i will always be here for you.