I use the saying Live, Laugh, Love a lot. When I see people with a tattoo or a bracelet or T-shirt bearing that phrase, I can't help but speak up and compliment them on their choice. I'd like to explain.
If I've learned anything in the last couple of years, it's that life is too short. Period. It can end in an instant. So make the most of it!
LIVE- I always want to live my life without regrets. So far.... well, in that last year, I've had no regrets! YIPPEE! Oh wait.... there was the drunken party with Liz..... KIDDING! (Although I would've loved to see Liz <3) Moving on... I always want to live my life to the fullest! I need to add more to my bucket list, but so far, I've paid off a car, gotten my own place, paid for a semester of school at the U, worked almost a year and half at an amazing job, written more songs, fallen in love (with crocheting!), deepened my friendships, made new friends, and overall, strengthened my relationship with my family. I have absolutely no regrets there!
LAUGH- I've needed to laugh a lot as of late. While I try to live life with no regrets, I can't always succeed in my own life, or influence the lives of others. But I don't think I can ever live long enough in this life to have my fill of laughter. There's too little time to be sad! I can understand some tears. A sad ending to a movie, a funeral, the death of Heath Ledger, but besides that? Laugh! Smile! It could brighten someone elses day. I know that for myself, nothing makes me more joyful than to see my darling little sisters dance around with each other, laughing until they're blue in the face. Without laughter, life would be so very difficult.
LOVE- This is the most important word of the trio. While I have yet to fall in love with my Prince Charming, Mr. Fantastic, or Superman, I have definitely reaped many benefits of loving my family this year. Love is so crucial to our existence! Sure, we can live, but without love, there would be regrets, and we could laugh, but I don't think there would be much joy. To love IS to live, and to laugh.
So there you have it. My motto. My goal in life. Perhaps, once you realize how short and precious our lives here truly are, you will follow my example. To Live without regrets, Laugh nonstop, and Love unconditionally.
Live.Laugh.Love
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Blessed Beyond Words
Since I decided to more actively search for my biological mother Tanya, I've had a lot of support from people in my life. And a lot of questions. Someone asked me recently if I was searching for her because I felt like I didn't belong in my family. This got me to thinking.
I am not searching for Tanya because I don't fee like a Widmer. My family is incredible and I couldn't ask for a better one. True, we've had our difficulties and at time all I wanted to do was run away.... but now? I couldn't imagine life without them. I realize not everyone has a positive experience with adoption. I've watched someone I love dearly go through immense pain because of it. On my account, however, adoption is a blessing. I don't know much of the story behind my birth, but I know Tanya was single, and my biological father was married. From the letters she sent in the six months following my birth, she was reconciled with the fact that she placed me. Yes, she said she thought about me every day and missed me constantly, but her letters were positive, and it seemed like she was moving on with her life.
I am not looking for Tanya because I need another mother. I have an amazing mom, April. That's not to discount Tanya's role in my life, it's just the way I feel. My mom is absolutely incredible. She gives and gives and gives. Sure, we've had our differences and I've disliked her, but no one could ever replace her. I look for Tanya because there's questions I have.... Do I look more like her or my father? She says in her letters I take after my father's side of the family. But that was when I was six months old! I want to know about my history. I'd loooove to know what happened to Tanya and my dad after I was born. Knowing his name would be nice too. But overall, I'd like to meet Tanya at least once, and thank her for what she did. She gave me a family I would be incomplete without. Who could pass this up?!
I am not searching for Tanya because I don't fee like a Widmer. My family is incredible and I couldn't ask for a better one. True, we've had our difficulties and at time all I wanted to do was run away.... but now? I couldn't imagine life without them. I realize not everyone has a positive experience with adoption. I've watched someone I love dearly go through immense pain because of it. On my account, however, adoption is a blessing. I don't know much of the story behind my birth, but I know Tanya was single, and my biological father was married. From the letters she sent in the six months following my birth, she was reconciled with the fact that she placed me. Yes, she said she thought about me every day and missed me constantly, but her letters were positive, and it seemed like she was moving on with her life.
I am not looking for Tanya because I need another mother. I have an amazing mom, April. That's not to discount Tanya's role in my life, it's just the way I feel. My mom is absolutely incredible. She gives and gives and gives. Sure, we've had our differences and I've disliked her, but no one could ever replace her. I look for Tanya because there's questions I have.... Do I look more like her or my father? She says in her letters I take after my father's side of the family. But that was when I was six months old! I want to know about my history. I'd loooove to know what happened to Tanya and my dad after I was born. Knowing his name would be nice too. But overall, I'd like to meet Tanya at least once, and thank her for what she did. She gave me a family I would be incomplete without. Who could pass this up?!
Savannah- My Twin
Little Sisters Are The Best
Gotta Love The Fam :D
This Photo's So Old But I Love It!
I will continue in my search for Tanya. But not because I feel I don't belong in my family. Not because I feel like I need a new mother. Just to answer some questions about myself. Who knows?? Maybe Tanya will want to meet the family she gave me. But truly, I am blessed beyond words. Thank you Tanya!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
A Little Tidying Up
I have noticed that all the blogs I follow have a certain theme. As I've read all my previous posts, I notice that I'm a little scatterbrained. I write about all sorts of things. So I've decided to organize my thoughts a little better. This blog will be devoted to three things: my weight loss, my search for Tanya, and my photography.
First off, my total weight loss so far is eight pounds. That's NOTHING! Honestly! And I haven't put forth as much effort as I possibly could. I tried doing no soda, and kind of gave up. Well, not entirely. I only have two or three sodas a week, as opposed to the one a day I used to be drinking. I have dropped down to one fast food run a week, and one nice meal. It's really hard. How pathetic is that?! Who has that kind of addiction?! At least I admit it, though, right? Well, I've decided that I need more strength than just my own. So, on March 12th, I'm going to the open casting call for the next season of The Biggest Loser! I am crossing my fingers that I can make it onto the show. I think it would be easier having someone who needs to lose as much weight as I do by my side. It's difficult to exercise with someone who is just shedding a few pounds. It would be nice to find someone who knows what I go through..... I hope and pray I'll make it.
Next, on the subject of my biological mother, Tanya Smith. No luck. Not even of sniff or whisper of where she might be. My mom gave me all of the letters from Tanya when I was a baby, along with all the information from my adoption. None of it revealed very much. Tanya's dad died shortly after I was born, so I looked for obituaries with the last name of Smith that had a surviving daughter named Tanya. No hits. I looked for majors in photojournalism, and again found nothing. My last option is to request Tanya's identifying information from LDSFS. Other than that, I'm stumped.
Lastly, my photography. I am hoping to purchase a new camera at the end of March. An SLR. I did a photo shoot sort of thing with Kara to help her build a modeling portfolio. I really got some good shots, and I'd like to make more of a hobby out of photography. I'm really good at it! And I'm not bragging. I really enjoy it too. Here's one of my favorite photos of Kara. And then one I took of my West Ridge Soccer Team.
First off, my total weight loss so far is eight pounds. That's NOTHING! Honestly! And I haven't put forth as much effort as I possibly could. I tried doing no soda, and kind of gave up. Well, not entirely. I only have two or three sodas a week, as opposed to the one a day I used to be drinking. I have dropped down to one fast food run a week, and one nice meal. It's really hard. How pathetic is that?! Who has that kind of addiction?! At least I admit it, though, right? Well, I've decided that I need more strength than just my own. So, on March 12th, I'm going to the open casting call for the next season of The Biggest Loser! I am crossing my fingers that I can make it onto the show. I think it would be easier having someone who needs to lose as much weight as I do by my side. It's difficult to exercise with someone who is just shedding a few pounds. It would be nice to find someone who knows what I go through..... I hope and pray I'll make it.
Next, on the subject of my biological mother, Tanya Smith. No luck. Not even of sniff or whisper of where she might be. My mom gave me all of the letters from Tanya when I was a baby, along with all the information from my adoption. None of it revealed very much. Tanya's dad died shortly after I was born, so I looked for obituaries with the last name of Smith that had a surviving daughter named Tanya. No hits. I looked for majors in photojournalism, and again found nothing. My last option is to request Tanya's identifying information from LDSFS. Other than that, I'm stumped.
Lastly, my photography. I am hoping to purchase a new camera at the end of March. An SLR. I did a photo shoot sort of thing with Kara to help her build a modeling portfolio. I really got some good shots, and I'd like to make more of a hobby out of photography. I'm really good at it! And I'm not bragging. I really enjoy it too. Here's one of my favorite photos of Kara. And then one I took of my West Ridge Soccer Team.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
We'll See What Happens....
It's been a weird couple of weeks. I have had some great ups and some awful downs. I want to write this post on the topic of one of the lows. I was in my bathroom the other day, putting on my makeup and picking out my favorite accessory.... EARRINGS. Aside from my enthusiasm on that last part, I stopped and looked at myself. I realized that I have SO much that needs changing. I was becoming someone I swore I would never become. I had a good cry, pouted for a little while, and decided to not let it really get to me. But I made a promise to myself. I am going to change things. No excuses. No apologies. I am done hating what I look like and doing nothing about it. There's a lot to offer underneath it all!
So that day, almost a week ago, I decided to start a much needed process of change. No more soda. No more fast food. VERY limited amounts of sugar. So far, I have caved once with a cup of soda, twice with a run to a fast food joint, and almost every day with sugar. I know, I suck. But I'm not going to give up. I want to lose sixty pounds by May, and one hundred and ten pounds by the end of the year. And I have a lot of support, but I know I have to do it on my own. I hope I can. I know it will help my opinion of myself immensely. Wish me luck!!
So that day, almost a week ago, I decided to start a much needed process of change. No more soda. No more fast food. VERY limited amounts of sugar. So far, I have caved once with a cup of soda, twice with a run to a fast food joint, and almost every day with sugar. I know, I suck. But I'm not going to give up. I want to lose sixty pounds by May, and one hundred and ten pounds by the end of the year. And I have a lot of support, but I know I have to do it on my own. I hope I can. I know it will help my opinion of myself immensely. Wish me luck!!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Love in Unlikely Places
This week has pretty much murdered me. As I sit here posting this blog, my eyes are puffy, my nose stuff, and my hair.... actually I showered a little while ago so it's not dirty and messed up. But I'm not kidding about the eyes and nose part....
When most people meet me, I'm quiet and when I do speak up, I just crack jokes. I'm cynical, sarcastic, and brutal on myself. My best friend has compared the wall she puts up around her heart to the Berlin Wall. I have a wall, but it doesn't have any long-range defense mechanisms. I don't shoot people down when they enter my life. I just allow them to meander across the plain, and when they get to the 'wall,' that's it. They stay there. It's like Rapunzel's Tower. If they choose to wait a few years (or milennia) they might find the secret door. But even then they have to make the long climb up the endless flight of stairs, and yeah... hopefully you get the point.
Anyways, with stresses like losing my college grant due to failing a class, and financial worries, I have really been beating myself up. I have felt totally hopeless, and completely worthless. I get teary-eyed writing about it. I could write all the things, I tell myself, but believe me when I say I hold nothing back in my self-massacre.
All of the sudden, just when I felt something close to what I was feeling in my darker days a few years ago, I found a light at the end of my dark tunnel. The first glimmer came from my mom, who has become an 'iron rod' in my life. When I told her about my grant loss, I received this text :
"My job isn't to lecture you, but to love you always, and I DO."
That really lifted my spirits, and I owe my mom big. The next ray of light also came from her. While I was at work, she called me, exclaiming that she had found quite a few letters from my birth mother. While she read them to me, I can't explain what happened. I felt a new connection with Tanya. She apparently wore glasses, she was tall, and had had initially chosen to major in psychology and social work.... she later switched to photojournalism, because she loves to write and take photos. I also learned that as a child, I looked more like my father. Through her letters, I felt so much love from my mother by birth, and it has renewed my ambition to find her.
The last ray of light that led me out of my tunnel of sorts, came from an unlikely source. I have lately confided a lot in a girl at work, Kelsey. She and Kara know how to get me talking. Hah. Anyways, I was having a rough day the other day, and Kelsey offered to burn me a CD of songs she likes to listen to when she needs to think about things. I was so excited, and very surprised when she surprised me with 6 CDs!!! She said she found so many songs and decided to give them all to me. Most surprising of all was when she handed me a letter with the CDs. I read the letter while I sat in my parked car, listening to the music. Kelsey really gave me a wake up call with the way I look at myself, and I felt incredibly touched, as she is one of the people I admire most in my life.
I realize that I have a lot to change in my life. I'm tired of beating myself up constantly and relentlessly, and still not changing a thing. 2011 will hopefully see the end of my old self and the beginning of my new self. I'm terrified, anxious, excited, and interested to see where this journey will take me. I hope to discover even more love in unlikely places.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Resolutions....Yikes
It's 2011.... 20 years ago this year I came into the world. Poor World :P Well, as is custom for ever beginning to a new year, I have made some resolutions. To be honest, I SUCK at sticking to resolutions.... but we'll see how this year goes:
1. Lose 100 lbs.... crazy right?! But I'm going to do it. I'm tired of envying EVERY single one of my friends, wishing I looked like them. I'm gonna be good looking by the end of the year. I hope. Oops hold on, let me finish my Big Mac over here.....
2. Get A's in every class for a semester. Folks, this hasn't been done since freshman and sophomore year... so about 2004-2005. But I know if I put my heart into school, at least a portion of my heart, maybe a sliver.... yeah I can do it!
3. Go on a trip. I'm not talking to St. George (sorry sisters :P) I want to go to on a cruise, or to Europe, or a cruise TO Europe. For sure I'm going to take a road trip, hitting up Wyoming, Arizona then Cali to see all the friends I miss dearly. Lily's a good car. She'll make it!
4. Go on a date.... I'd really like to get asked out on ONE date by a guy this year. I guess I could accept an offer from a girl. JUST KIDDING!!!!! But the THREE dates I went on last year were set up by friends. No bueno. I need to socialize! Also part of this section: Make new friends, and keep up with the old.
5. I want to get busy with photography. I've almost got enough saved up to get the camera I want. I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!! I've taken some photos in the past that I've LOVED, and I really think I can go further. I want to be able to take photos of the teenagers I hope to help AFTER they've gone through therapy, or the program. I don't know, still working out that one.......
6. Last, but not least, I want to write three new songs by June. I don't know what they're going to be about, but they shall be legen.... wait for it..... DARY!!!!! (Name that show)
Happy New Year to everyone. This blog is going to be switching it up soon, as I'm going to blogging about certain topics all year round, as opposed to the scatter-brained entries that have been posted previously. Hope you all succeed in your resolutions!
1. Lose 100 lbs.... crazy right?! But I'm going to do it. I'm tired of envying EVERY single one of my friends, wishing I looked like them. I'm gonna be good looking by the end of the year. I hope. Oops hold on, let me finish my Big Mac over here.....
2. Get A's in every class for a semester. Folks, this hasn't been done since freshman and sophomore year... so about 2004-2005. But I know if I put my heart into school, at least a portion of my heart, maybe a sliver.... yeah I can do it!
3. Go on a trip. I'm not talking to St. George (sorry sisters :P) I want to go to on a cruise, or to Europe, or a cruise TO Europe. For sure I'm going to take a road trip, hitting up Wyoming, Arizona then Cali to see all the friends I miss dearly. Lily's a good car. She'll make it!
4. Go on a date.... I'd really like to get asked out on ONE date by a guy this year. I guess I could accept an offer from a girl. JUST KIDDING!!!!! But the THREE dates I went on last year were set up by friends. No bueno. I need to socialize! Also part of this section: Make new friends, and keep up with the old.
5. I want to get busy with photography. I've almost got enough saved up to get the camera I want. I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!! I've taken some photos in the past that I've LOVED, and I really think I can go further. I want to be able to take photos of the teenagers I hope to help AFTER they've gone through therapy, or the program. I don't know, still working out that one.......
6. Last, but not least, I want to write three new songs by June. I don't know what they're going to be about, but they shall be legen.... wait for it..... DARY!!!!! (Name that show)
Happy New Year to everyone. This blog is going to be switching it up soon, as I'm going to blogging about certain topics all year round, as opposed to the scatter-brained entries that have been posted previously. Hope you all succeed in your resolutions!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tis the Season....
Christmas is almost here! Wow! Just a quick post to say how grateful I am for my family! I have to most incredible family in the world! My friends are truly Heaven sent as well :)
My dad is absolutely wonderful. We've had our rough patches but I know, now matter what, he's my daddy. During the scariest points in my life (and there have been a few) my dad's been there, holding me or being near me.
Mom is the point of sanity in my world. She's calm and collected, but the most giving and affectionate person I will ever know. We have been through so much together, and I'll love her forever.
Although I don't see much of Morgan, Shane, and Lexie, I am able to keep up with them on Morgan's blog, and through texting her. Morgan is quite a woman! She's a mother, musician, and author! And Shane is an awesome husband and father. Lexie rules my world. Enough said.
Savannah has come to be one of my closest friends. She and I have different personalities, true, but we've gotten over our differences and look for the commonalities. She's amazing. I JUST WISH SHE HAD TEXTING!!!!!!
Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty are just the icing on the cake. They always bring a smile to my face, and whenever I need some extra lovin, I know where to look =)
I couldn't forget my second family either. I will never able to repay Aunt Becky and Uncle Kevin for what they've done for me. They helped me get where I am, with a car, an apartment, a job. At a time when I knew who I was FINALLY, but didn't know where to go next. They stepped in. Plus I can always count on Becky for a good back rub and a chat.... and Kevin for a good wrestling match.
And my friends.... I have had some in n out friends, but I am grateful one who've stuck through it with me. Brecken and I are going on 7 years! WOOT! She and I don't have to talk all the time, but we always just know... We're besties :) Liz, is my soulmate haha. She's my double in many ways, and I can always get a laugh when we talk. I miss her though! Shailey and I sometimes don't agree on things, but what can I say? She's a part of me, and always will be. Kara, I'm so grateful I get to see her at work every day. And play outside of work too! She's always there to listen, and talk too ;)
Thanks to all others in my life! You make me strong, teach me patience, and keep me going! Happy Holidays and always remember to live, laugh, and love!
My dad is absolutely wonderful. We've had our rough patches but I know, now matter what, he's my daddy. During the scariest points in my life (and there have been a few) my dad's been there, holding me or being near me.
Mom is the point of sanity in my world. She's calm and collected, but the most giving and affectionate person I will ever know. We have been through so much together, and I'll love her forever.
Although I don't see much of Morgan, Shane, and Lexie, I am able to keep up with them on Morgan's blog, and through texting her. Morgan is quite a woman! She's a mother, musician, and author! And Shane is an awesome husband and father. Lexie rules my world. Enough said.
Savannah has come to be one of my closest friends. She and I have different personalities, true, but we've gotten over our differences and look for the commonalities. She's amazing. I JUST WISH SHE HAD TEXTING!!!!!!
Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty are just the icing on the cake. They always bring a smile to my face, and whenever I need some extra lovin, I know where to look =)
I couldn't forget my second family either. I will never able to repay Aunt Becky and Uncle Kevin for what they've done for me. They helped me get where I am, with a car, an apartment, a job. At a time when I knew who I was FINALLY, but didn't know where to go next. They stepped in. Plus I can always count on Becky for a good back rub and a chat.... and Kevin for a good wrestling match.
And my friends.... I have had some in n out friends, but I am grateful one who've stuck through it with me. Brecken and I are going on 7 years! WOOT! She and I don't have to talk all the time, but we always just know... We're besties :) Liz, is my soulmate haha. She's my double in many ways, and I can always get a laugh when we talk. I miss her though! Shailey and I sometimes don't agree on things, but what can I say? She's a part of me, and always will be. Kara, I'm so grateful I get to see her at work every day. And play outside of work too! She's always there to listen, and talk too ;)
Thanks to all others in my life! You make me strong, teach me patience, and keep me going! Happy Holidays and always remember to live, laugh, and love!
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