Trying To Breathe

I don't know what's been wrong with me these last couple of weeks. I have felt like I can't breathe. Like I'm constantly tired, out of breath, and having a really bad migraine.

I think I bit off more than I could chew with two jobs. It's been nice to have the extra money... but it wasn't needed. I've just worked myself into the ground, and I don't know where I'm going to pull my energy when it's time to go back to school. I'm letting my boss know that I won't be able to work when school starts, and while I'll miss parts of the job, I'm happy to let it go.

I'm beyond excited to go back to school, but I'm nervous too. It's been a while. I'm still the same shy, socially awkard girl that I was four years ago. I had hoped to make all the necessary changed before I went back to school. Lost all of this stupid weight, acquired the self confidence I desired, and learned how to stand on my own two feet. Incomplete, incomplete, and.... half complete. I don't think I'm ready, but I have to get back into school.... unless I don't want to graduate until I'm thirty....

I've lost a total of 20 pounds (including the six I gained back). I've come to accept that the weight loss process isn't going to go the speed that I want, but I'm happy, VERY happy, with the progress that I've made. I am learning discipline, and it's nice to feel my clothes getting baggy. I just need to learn how to love myself, regardless of my appearance. If I don't find myself beautiful and wonderful, how can I expect others to do the same? WORK IN PROGRESS....

I miss my friends. All the time. Constantly. I think about them all the time, wondering how they're doing. And I'm always tempted to text them, and apologize, even if I don't know what I'm apologizing for. Then I hear things, catch wind of rumors. I have to take a step back. Things haven't changed. It's not the right time. I still have a lot of growing up to do. We all do. Sometimes... it's hard to be jealous of your friends. And to wonder all the time. That's really where the can't breathe feeling comes from.... can I trust them? Are they honest with me TO my face? Or behind my back? I'd jump in front of a bullet for them, but will they catch me when I fall? So many questions... that's not good. I really just need to forgive, forget, and move on. 

I'm so beyond grateful for the few wonderful friends that I do have. They're pretty much a sister and a brother to me. I'm blessed beyond belief to have an amazing family as well. My sisters and my cousins are my best friends, as well as my parents and my aunts and uncles. I'm glad that we can get together so often, and have the greatest of times.

I may not be able to breathe, but I'm not dead yet. I'm going to continue to live. And to laugh. And, most importantly, to love. 

Summer Lovin'

Oh my goodness. The past couple of months have been crazy!!!!!

A little update on my life.

I registered for school in the Fall. )#($*&%*@Y^!^(%$!!!!!!! I'm beyond excited :) I've got three classes I'm looking at, and they're all about writing for digital media, using the programs, etc. I'm so psyched! I can't wait to get in a studio and start making some music! UVU here I come!

Oh... another good little snippet. I've lost 14 pounds so far! I have two more months to make my goal of 40 altogether for the summer! Just 26 more to go :) I honestly feel SO good. I love going running... Not. Haha. But I'm getting there. I love the feeling of getting smaller, feeling healthier, and having more energy. It's amazing.

The biggest bit of news??? I GOT A NEW APARTMENT! Yaayyyyyyy!!!! I love it, I love it, I love it! It's so cute! Very updated, with painted walls, and I've already added a lot of vinyl wall lettering... I know. I'm a dork. I love having everything I need, and not having to worry about it. I'm pretty darn proud of myself.

It's always intrigued me, how life turns out. It's usually never taking you down the path you started on.... there are a lot of off and on ramps. It's weird not being around the people you were around constantly, and feeling like it's just the way things are. I honestly wonder why I get the inspirations... or prompts... that I do. Sometimes they make no sense! I'm so grateful that Hanna and I can still talk all the time, even though we're miles apart. She's the best roommate I'll ever have... even though I'm never having them again. Haha.

I miss old friends. I really do. All the time. There's times when I remember some amazing memories, and I'm so tempted to pick up the phone and shoot off a text. But... I need to remember why I made the decisions that I did. I deserve great relationships in life, as does everyone! I never want to feel like I am being talked about, lied to, or used. It was rare when that happened, but everyone deserves to have happy, fulfilling, GIVE and take relationships! We deserve the best in life!

I'm trying to find the best now. The best in me. The best in my future. Who knows... maybe the best features the tall dark handsome Italian man that I dream about all the time.... Hehe.

Live, Laugh, and Love everyone! Always!

Growing Up

I love the movie Peter Pan. I used to dream as a kid that I would never have to become a grown up. Life as a permanent kid would be awesome! Cartoons, dolls, playing with friends, mediocre school work that involved blocks and treats, and Mom cooking every day. *Sigh* That would be the life.... Ha.

Growing up is hard. It's hard to go to work every day. It's hard to go through challenging coursework knowing you'll just graduate to get a job and work some more. It can be difficult being on your own, cooking, cleaning, and bringing home the bacon.... But wait.

I'm on my way to being something great! I love my job. The ladies I assist are the greatest, I have a great boss and fun coworkers. I have my own car that I paid for, an apartment that I've fully furnished by myself. I live with my best friend. I'm going to school to work in something I love. MUSIC. Maybe growing up isn't so bad :-)

But it isn't all about work and school and being in your own. In the past year, I've learned so much. Like picking my battles. I think I'm realizing what's worth fighting for and what's not. When to hold on and when to let go. There's been times where choosing to let go has ripped me apart, but I knew it was the right thing to do. And there's been times where holding on has blessed me.

I want to be the best I can be, and I know there are still changes to be made. I am going to be a good grown up :-P I've learned so many lessons. I'm going to keep my mouth shut about others. I'm not in high school. If I need to vent, it will only be to my various "mothers." They're good at listening, and I'm pretty sure it's not passed on. Others turned me into a gossiper... And that's not who I want to be. So no more.

I'm going to rely on my family (close friends count here too) for love and support. They will always be there for me, I see that now. I love them with all my heart.

Everyone deserves to have all the happiness in the world, and I'm going to find mine, work for it, and keep it.

Cheers to growing up :-D

Live.Laugh.Love

Forgotten No More

Oh my goodness I haven't been on here in FOREVER! Whoops!

Here's an update to my life!

I'm still living with Hanna, and Robin is still very much a part of our lives. We have all sorts of adventures around Salt Lake... and recently St. George, and it's a lot of fun.

At a Utah Jazz Game

The Fesitval of Colors

I'm so excited to start school again in the fall. The more I learn about my program, the more madly in love with it I am. SO excited!

I was very excited to welcome home a close friend of mine from Guatemala. I love my cousins. So much. Elder Taylor Ririe came home, and Sky got married! Holy Cow! The kids I took baths with and had sleepovers are all grown up :)

Taylor, Zack and I at the airport! Welcome Home!

I hate my face in this, but handsome groom Sky looks studly ;)

Life is good. Can't complain. Sometimes it's hard, and sometimes it becomes beyond hard. But I'm grateful to have an amazing family, and others, on my side. I've grown a lot in the last few months alone, and I'm happy about the changes I'm making.

Live. Laugh. Love

Post Valentine's Day

*Sigh* It's here. Finally..... HALF-PRICE CANDY!!!! :P

No, but honestly, Valentine's Day just cracks me up. I can't help but conceal a giggle when people talk about it. My friends seem to be divided on the day. It's either overrated, or absolutely perfect. But I saw on someone's FB a really good way to look at it. We should be thankful all year round, but we still have Thanksgiving. We should be celebrating Christ's birth all year round, but we still have Christmas. We should love our mothers and fathers every moment, but they still have special days too. Valentine's Day is just a day to show some EXTRA love.

So, to all my precious Valentine's- Mom, Dad, Morgan (Shane and Lexie), Savannah, Brooklyn, Liberty, all my aunts and uncles and my cousins, Hanna, Robin, Allysa, and all my friends.... I LOVE YOU!

Hope you all had a Happy Heart Day :)

Goals....Whoops

I made a new goal last night to start fresh with my weight loss journey. I really want to look GOOD, and no longer be embarrassed...

Day 1 (today)---- EPIC FAIL. I was too lazy to get out of bed and make something, and I told myself that I'd grab a salad on my way into work. Nope. Arctic Circle. Yummy..

Day 2?? I will make it happen!

I just need to stick to my guns, and be strong enough to overcome my greatest obstacle... myself

Journal Writing

I felt pretty accomplished last night. I finished a journal. Yes, it took me a year and a half... yes, it was only 80 pages out of a regular notebook (the rest were drawings, doodles, or misc. notes... and thus torn out), but still! I am always so happy to finish a journal. I feel like I've left yet another 'snoozer' for my posterity to read later in life. Ha.

Actually..... I'm not sure if I'd let my kids, or later generations (in the event I'm never blessed with children), read my journals. The early years are harmless enough... but my journaling from the last three years has moments of true insanity :P My kids could use it against me later in life.....

As I went to put the latest completed volume on the shelf, I decided to visit memory lane. I grabbed my six completed volumes, spanning eight years or so, and began to browse. I laughed at what I'd written about in 2004, and was happy to revisit some pleasant memories. I thought so differently back then. I was worried about friends in junior high, my HORRIBLE haircut, and what mom made for dinner. Then, things changed.

The journals I've kept since West Ridge have seemed deeper. There are times you can tell I'm writing for an audience, in case I was unfortunate enough to have an actual reader for the pages. I'm vague, and happy-go-lucky. There are other times when it's obvious that I am so overwhelmed and have no where else to vent. I'm dramatic... and write colorful words :P Well, I am a colorful character :) But mostly, I'm just writing to write, to organize my thoughts, to leave a story.

The nice thing about keeping a journal, and having kept a journal in the past, is that I can see how I've changed, and how I've grown. I am not so shallow and materialistic. I don't worry so much about the here and the now. The real changes in my writing happened about half way through West Ridge, when I was afraid I was going to lose my mom. Suddenly, the big picture came into view. The issues I thought were big were suddenly miniature, and the issues I'd been ignoring suddenly seemed pressing. Since then, I have ALWAYS tried to remember the grand scheme of things. What's eternal.... what's not.

As I read through this last journal, I couldn't help but feel a little pang of loneliness. It's hard when the main character of a story goes missing. It's even harder when multiple characters disappear. I've lost some main characters in my life. I think I fell in love, and had my heart broken. I lost a friendship that, though harmful at times, still brought a LOT of the joy that filled my days. But, I can also read through and smile at the new memories and friends I've created. I may have lost the old characters, but new characters took their place, and brought back the joy.

I'm excited to start a new journal. I'm trying to find a fancy one, something that will last. I'm determined to TRULY document 2012. I'm quite addicted to Vampire Diaries, and I want to journal the way Elena does. I'm not going to write for an audience, or worry if someone reads it. A journal is my own personal story, and I'm excited to write one titled 'The True Happenings of 2012."

BaCk On TrAcK

The past week or so has put a halt on my life, and my thoughts. I have been distracted. But, as I said I wouldn't, I didn't give up. I got through it. I sucked it up and moved on.

Now? I am back on track. I have one goal in my mind.... well... one really focused goal right now. Find my parents..... or at least find out ABOUT them. I'm not sure I'm ready to meet either of them. They have probably moved on and have families of their own. I know my dad was married, and Tanya always seemed so distant in her letters.

Regardless... I would like to know more about them. I want to know if Tanya is her real name, what she looks like, maybe find her on Facebook or something. In her letters, she said I looked like my dad. Is that still true? What does he look like? Do I have other sisters and brothers? Being one of six girls... a brother could be a lot of fun! I know Tanya's dad passed away shortly after I was born, but what about my other grandparents? Aunts and uncles? Whose features do I have? What personality traits do I copy? Where did my family come from? I have always imagined that I have relatives I can visit in Ireland... with the red hair and all :)

I have imagined hundreds of scenarios. Mom's a famous journalist or musician. I have a rock star half-brother. Dad's a millionaire and will spoil me rotten. I meet them and instantly feel at home and at peace. Ha.... dream land. I know that finding them, and if I chose meeting them, could be potentially awkward. With my dad being married to someone else, I would have to introduce myself to two families. What if he never told his family? What if Tanya never told her family that came after me?

I am going to the adoption agency this week, and requesting every single bit of information that I can. I want everything I'm legally allowed to have. I won't take no for an answer. I at least want names. I have discovered Facebook to be a glorious way of "re-connecting." With a correct name, it would be simple.

I love my family, the one that I was raised in. They have offered their full support of my quest. I really really really love them.

I know who I am... but it's past time to find out where who I am came from.

I Have To Make It.....

I'm afraid. I'm 100%, paralyzingly, indescribably terrified. I don't know if I will make it through another round in the ring. That's why I got out of it. I was done being used as a punching bag. I know it was unintentional, but it still happened. I feel the pull to get back in.... to join the fight again. It sure was a thrill... the not knowing, the tension, the suspense. But I was usually the one leaving the ring in a body bag.

I know that people won't understand.  I will probably be seen as the bad guy. The unforgiving friend holding a grudge. But if that's what it takes for me to watch my own back, and be happy, then so be it. I have an amazing family, and a good life. There have been struggles, but there is NO NEED to pile more crap onto what's happened in the past.

I am given a past to LEARN from it! Not to make it happen all over again! I'm going to be strong this time. Again, some won't understand, and they will be quick to judge me. There will be haters, and sides will be drawn. But I can't do it again. I can't go through the gut-wrenching, heart-shredding pain that should NEVER come from a friend.... Yes. I will be judged. I will be seen as the mean one.


SO BE IT. I HAVE TO MAKE IT.

2.0.1.2.

So... the Mayans seemed to have run out of room on their calendar long ago.... ending it at 2012. Well, guess I'd better make this year the best then, hmmm??

Happy New Year! I can honestly say I had a fantastic New Year's Eve :) I spent it with two of my favorite people in Downtown SLC, one of my favorite places. EVE SLC was super fun :)

The party wasn't bad... but it definitely wasn't my scene. I'm not much of a crowds person... unless it's a concert. A GOOD concert. Hanna and Robin made it fun :) And we got to see an awesome fireworks show... well... part of it. We scrambled out of there as fast as we could to beat the traffic. Oh, the cleverness of me!

I also must mention that I enjoyed the Christmas season! There was a lot of good food, good company, and good times :) My family is amazing and I love them. I was grateful that we could ALL be together for Christmas!

2011 was a pretty good year.... it had its ups and downs... but I made it!!!!!

In a nutshell... the first six months were boring.... THEN!

My best friend moved away, my roommate moved out, I found 3 roommates, kicked one out, then the other, gained a 'sister', lost a 'sister' (still struggling with this), hit some of the lowest times in my life, and had some of the greatest, got new couches, hit my 2 year mark at work, paid off a lot of debt, went to Arizona, California, Wyoming, St. George, spent time with my family and love them even more, and learned a lot of lessons!

I'm so grateful for my life. And I'm grateful to those who stuck through 2011 with me!

Happy Happy New Year!