Thursday... the Turkey Day that really has NOTHING to do with the Turkey :)

This Thursday is Thanksgiving.... so I figured I should submit a post on what I'm thankful for.... Flying cars, world peace, unlimited amounts of food that won't make you fat... Oh. Wait. That's in my fantasy world. Reality has yet to catch up. :)

Life has been hectic the last month or so. I know, I always say that. But I have felt like all the emotions I could ever feel in a lifetime were crammed into September, October, and November. Blech. I have never laughed so much, cried so much, screamed so much, slept so much. But, with all the struggles that I have been through, my list of blessings is longer than ever.

I am so so so so very thankful for my family. My mom and dad are AMAZING. Our relationship isn't perfect. Far from, actually. But compared to where we were two or three Thanksgivings ago..... there's no comparison. I think the difference in where we are now is that we have all forgiven the past. There's nothing holding us back from moving forward. I can truly enjoy time with my sisters now. Morgan came home this last week, and I spent an evening with her, as well as Shane, and mom and dad. Even though we only chatted for a couple of hours, it was FUN. There wasn't any arguing, or tension... well, besides my frustration at trying to explain to Mom how to use her new iPhone. I love spending time with Morgan and Savannah, and of course, Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty. We have had struggles in the past, most of the time pitting me against my family. Sometimes, I still feel like the odd one out, but that's because I'm a redhead, a braniac.... thus better looking AND better thinking. HA!

(Old Family Photo- Still My Favorite)

I'm not just blessed to have a wonderful immediate family, but an extended family as well. I don't know where I would be without Becky and Kevin, and I thank God daily that I have such wonderful 'second parents.' I come from an AWESOME family.  "Nuff Said." My cousins are really my best friends. They've seen it all with me, and they love me none the less. It's nice to have friends who you don't have to explain everything too. They know all about the crazy (and wonderful) aunts and uncles I have, because those people are their parents. It's been hard these last few years, having a lot of my closest cousins gone on their missions. (Tia, Sky, Josh, Taylor). But I am SO happy for them, and I'll be glad when the old 'gang' can all go out and wreak havoc once again!

Another Old Photo- But With A Lot Of My 'Peeps'

I look around and see how many people are desperately looking for jobs. I have to say that I am beyond blessed to have my job. There are times when I hate the hours, and I complain. Or I say the pay is too low (IT IS) and I complain. Sometimes, my ladies make me want to take out my own eyeballs with a rusted spoon, and I complain. But, when all is said and done, I have a wonderful job. I work with great staff, and I love my ladies with all of my heart. Over the past two years I have come to see beyond their disabilities, and see them for who they truly are. They make me laugh more often than not. I love having a job where I can help people, and hey! Who wouldn't want to get paid to go to movies and go out to eat?!

I used to put a lot of stock in friendships. At times, I stupidly gave up my time, goals, etc... to the wrong friends. I have come to learn that 'Friends for Life' are VERY rare, and hardly apply to the people you meet in high school, or later in life. I've had a lot of bad friends. They weren't bad people, but I wasn't a good person when I was around them.... But I don't mean to be negative. I just mean to say that I am grateful that I have...no...AM.... learning the value of friendship, and the value of a GOOD friend. I am learning to let go. I am happy to see so many of my friends getting married, having kids, and so on. It's crazy to think that Lexi B's engaged, that Shailey's a mom. They are paving paths that I will travel down some day. They are living their lives, and I am living mine.

Still in the friendship mode, I have to insert a special note for a special someone... or some people. In the past month or so, Allysa has been more of a Savior than ever. I love her with all of my heart, and I am so happy that she is finally finding the happiness she deserves. I hope her man with treat her like the queen she is. I miss her so much, but I think it makes the times we see each other even more special.

I made a decision back in July that changed my life more than I ever thought it would. Sometimes I have regretted it, sometimes I have hated myself for making the choice.... I'm just being honest. But now, I realize that in helping a friend, I was helping myself. Hanna has become like a sister to me. And, just as I do with my other sisters, I sometimes want to strangle her. But lately, she has been there when no one else was around. We have both had road bumps and obstacles in the last couple of months. I don't think I could have gotten through them without her. I have felt loss, really painful loss, and Hanna has been the only person who has known what to say, and how to help. I love her dearly, and even in the hard times, I can't regret that long drive down to Cedar City in July. Of course.... living with Hanna meant getting to know her boyfriend Robin, yet another blessing. Robin keeps us both sane. I have never met such a good guy. If Hanna's my sister, Robin's my brother. Being one of six girls... brother is a foreign word to me. But that's what he is. He has helped me through so much as well. The three of us are always doing something... whether it's taking someone to Trax, going to the Gateway, going grocery shopping (always a disaster), or just sitting around good ol' Apartment 9-V, talking. The two of them are perfect for each other, and they're perfect for me.

The Three Amigos

Right now, I'm happy with life. I have a good job, a great family, wonderful friends. I am getting to be where I want to be. I'm losing weight, I'm going to be starting school soon, I have a roommate I actually like.... yep. Life is good. I think the best part is that I'm not living life worrying about what my friends, or my family thinks. I am taking the steps to live a life that I can be truly happy with. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

It Will ALL Work Out.

It's funny how life turns out... funny, and sad, and annoying, and frustrating, and heartbreaking, and wonderful and.... unexpected. 

So much has been happening lately. I've felt like I've been stretched thin in a million places. I have felt like I couldn't catch a break, that just struggle after struggle kept popping up. I felt like crying all the time, and lashing out at people for just talking to me. It was affecting my home life, my relationships with my friends, and even my performance at work. I was grumpy, irritated, overly sensitive...... makes it sound like a pregnancy I know :P There were so many things going on in my life and in my head, and I didn't really talk to anyone about them. I still have many secrets :( It's not healthy, I know.

Last week.... something changed. I'm not sure what it was, or how it happened. I guess I made some realizations, and these ones actually stuck. 

First off, I was constantly bitter at my friends because I felt like they just didn't care. I spent all my time worrying about them and wondering if they were ok, doing whatever I could to make them happy, and I felt ignored in return. So many people have told me that I should make new friends, and at the time, I was thinking I finally understood why. Then my thinking process changed. My friends have struggles too. They have burdens, worries, issues, and they confide in me about them. It doesn't mean their troubles are bigger than mine.... just different! How would they know how I was hurting if I didn't tell them? Knowing this has made parts of life a lot easier, and I've been able to talk to my friends with ease, and listen to them without bitterness.

The biggest change for me actually came when I was helping a friend. She was having a really bad night, and I was trying to find the right thing to say. I came across this quote:

It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will love worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.

Gordon B. Hinckley

This quote was perfect for my friend....but it was also perfect for ME! I had been stressing about so much, worrying all the time, so much so that I was sick all the time and losing weight (though the latter issue wasn't bad... it was just done in an unhealthy way). President Hinckley reminded me that sometimes things are beyond my control. I had forgotten what I'd been taught growing up. If I do my part, the Lord will do his. True, I still struggle from time to time, and occasionally feel incredibly overwhelmed (usually at night), but I'm not a mess anymore. I feel more stable, and I've actually been really level-headed, something I've missed. I'm laughing a lot more, and smiling all the time. I'm trying to find joy in the smallest of things. If I'm making the right choices, and trying to put myself on the right path, the Lord will open doors. Things will be OK... with my friends, with my family, with my SELF.

IT WILL ALL WORK OUT <3

Leader of the Band

Tonight isn't such a good night.... I feel a little lost. I know that the path I'm on is the right one.... but it makes me sort of second guess, and sometimes, regret past choices.

I remember when I was little, and when I was growing up, I was a leader. I was smart, funny, and while I wasn't the prettiest, I knew how to capture a crowd. Knowing all the answers at church helped. I was a favorite among the younger girls when I was at Girl's Camp. My family adored me, and I was the favorite niece among many aunts and uncles. (That last one hasn't changed :P)

These days, that is definitely NOT the case. Some people say I'm a leader.... but it's not for the same reasons. I feel like some people around me only follow because I have the car, the apartment, and sometimes the money. That's not being a leader! I don't want to be that kind of leader. I won't lead by not giving a crap what others think. Some people think that's healthy and cool, but in the end, you're the one losing. I won't lead by devoting my time, energy, money, and basically my life to others, either.

I really think a true leader cares what others think, but only to an extent. They care, but they won't bend from who they truly are. They are the perfect balance. I used to be that way. Now? I don't know. I know I'm on the right path, but I have to change so much. I've developed habits, and it's hard to  change them. A lot of people have thought that I'm a pushover, and that people take advantage of me. That is NOT the case. I was always the one offering. I was always giving and providing. So why would the receivers think anything is wrong? They weren't demanding, and they only started asking after I continuously offered. That's not me being a pushover. But that is me dealing with some serious thinking errors.

I'm not to that perfect balance yet. I'm leaning more on that side of caring too much what others think about me. I'm very quiet in rowdy situations, because I'm worried about what the public will think of me if I don't say something, and I'm worried about what the rowdy friend will think if I do say something. Ugh. It's complicated. Overall, I realized that sometimes, you have to leave behind the people who will hold you back. It sucks, but it's worth it.

I'm getting there. To that balance. And I'm going to be the person I know God intended me to be. If I lead, great. But I'm not going to follow. No thank you.

Contentment

Well it's been a little while since my last post. A lot has happened.

As obvious from my last posts, I went to California. When I first came back home, I was high on Cali life. All I wanted to do was go back. I was making plans to move and go to school there, and leave my life in Utah behind. But in the last few weeks, I have realized something. I'm happy here in Utah. Utah is my home. I have been born and raised here. My family and dearest friends are here. True, Utah has crazy weather, crazy drivers, and at times, crazy people. But, for now, this is where I am making my home. I'm going to school down at UVU in the spring to be on my way to owning my own recording studio.... YIPPEE... :)


Speaking of home, I signed my first lease this week!!!! YAYYYYY!!! I actually stayed at the same place I've been living for the last 10 months, and I just signed a new lease with a new roommate. Hanna has been living with me, so she's roommate number one. Times have been tough sometimes.... but she's like my sister. We can joke and laugh and sleep and play and swim and tan and do our makeup and our hair and go out and yeah.... it's fun. My other roommate is Matt :) Sweetest guy in the world. He made Hanna and I breakfast this morning: gourmet style <3 We're like our own little family. Now...? All we need is furniture hehe


My life is good right now. I had a great talk with my parents last night and was open with things that have been going on in my life. I will just say this: My parents ROCK. Mom and dad.... I love you. Always. My relationships with my friends are awesome.... while I've distanced myself from some people I don't regret it. I want to be around people who lift me up. Hanna and Matt aren't just roommates... they're my friends. I love sitting and laughing with them, and Shailey of course. OH how I love my Shay Shay. We may fight like crazy, but we get through it. My job is great, and I've picked up more hours, meaning MORE MONEYYY! I'm kinda seeing this cute boy :) We've got A LOT to work on... and I'm not sure where it will go.... but for now...? I like him <3 I've got a great place to live, great job, great family, and great friends. I'm livin, laughin, and lovin!

So far, I'm in love with the month of August :)

I'll Be Leaving My Heart in San Fransisco- Day 3

Yesterday..... Was AMAZZZZZIIIIINNNNGGGGG!!!!


Allysa was a wittle sweepyhead and slept in until about noon, so I lounged around for most of the morning. We went through the now routine process of getting ready, and headed out the door to Fremont at about 2. I have gotten the swing of using BART, and I love riding the train. Allysa and I love people watching on the train too. We pulled into Embarcadero Station around 3:00, and again, my heart skipped a couple beats. I know it's totally cheesy, but coming up the escalator onto Market Street, surroun;ded by street vendors, and shadowed by skyscrapers, I fell in love all over again. That's all I'll say about it. Haha.

Llysa and I walked around the indoor marketplace on Embarcadero and Market. There were pastry shops, artisan cheese stands, meat markets, organic grocery shops, all stuffed into one building. So much fun. Allysa couldn't have most of the stuff there, due to food allergies, so we went to the Plant Cafe Organic. She got some nassstttyyy drink,(What can I say? Organic and I have never seen eye to eye...) and some banana bread that didn't taste half bad.

We were able to meet up with Liz and Teran for a little bit, and found them attempting to donate to an organization.... but the guy wouldn't shut up! It was kind of funny to watch. We walked with them to their car, and said adios as they left to go see Harry Potter (Ooohhh the jealousy!).

Allysa and I headed to Pier 39, just enjoying the weather.... well, I don't know if Llysa was.... and I was very surprised and happy to meet up with our other friend Stephanie! Who would've though we'd all see each other in San Fran, since we all met in Utah! Haha. The rest of the evening was spent shopping around Pier 39, and around all the other shops along the bay. We got super hyper, and I swear we were going to get kicked out of the Ghirardelli store, where I bought my daddy some chocolate. We loved dancing to all the music the street musicians played, and watching the various street artists. We were watching one of those groups that can paint incredible pictures in minutes using spraypaint, and Steph and Llysa got free paintings for dancing with the artists. It was awesome! We said goodbye to Steph, and I was sad to see the evening winding down.

I was able to get all my souvenir shopping done for my family and Shay Shay (Bryson included!). I got a yummy crepe at Pier 39, and we watched a cool fire dancer, then Allysa and I headed back to the train station. The night was really cold, but it was awesome to see that the city was still alive. True, there weren't as many people, but in Salt Lake, shops wouldn't be open at 11 at night. No way. Allysa and I were even more tired than we had been on Wednesday, and we didn't say much. We just did more people watching on the train. When we got home, Allysa Skyped with her boyfriend, and I pretty much passed out.

I really hope that someday I can move here. I'd love to live in the heart of San Fransisco.... but I'll do what I can afford. Today Llysa and I are spending the day in Santa Cruz, and from the way Llysa talks about it.... I can't wait!!!!! Tomorrow I head home :( I won't think about that now. I'm just going to enjoy today!!

I'll Be Leaving My Heart In San Fransisco- Day 2

Another Sunny Day In Californ-i-ayyyyy....

I honestly feel high out here. I'm so happy. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's because I'm with my best friend. Some people call us a couple, some call us sisters. Our relationship is hard to describe. Just to put everyone's concerns to rest.... we are NOT a couple haha. But I love her with all of my heart. Allysa knows the real me. She understands me and and loves me the way I am. I have loved spending every moment with her here, talking to her about everything. She's amazing.

Yesterday was more of a quiet day. I slept in until about 11, and Allysa was babysitting until about 3. So I just lounged around, and rubbed out my sore legs. When she came home from work, we made a run to Taco Bell for my empty grumbling tummy.... and then started getting ready. I love getting dressed up with Llysa because it takes sooo long, and it's so fun. Doing hair, makeup, everything. She makes me look good haha.

At about 6 we left for Redwood City to see..... LIZZZZZZ!!!!! She had invited us to her and Teran's commitment ceremony, and I was sooo excited!! The drive was about 30 minutes, and Llysa and I just listened to great music. We finally got to the park, and I FINALLY got to meet Teran. I was so happy to see Liz again. Oh how I have missed that girl. The ceremony was cute and to the point, with Teran and Liz exchanging vows, lighting a unity candle, and the family and friends tying knots to their handfasting rope. After the ceremony, we went to Applebee's. Liz says her family liked me. Yay!!!! It was super fun to be with Allysa and Liz, and just talking like we used to. I am grateful to be able to talk to Liz via text or phone or xbox(haha) but in person? There's no contest there!

Allysa and I headed home around 9:30 pm, with plans to meet Liz and Teran in SF the next day (being today). A super relaxed and fun day. I enjoyed it. I loved catching up with Liz, meeting Teran, and falling in love with more of California. <3

Now for more adventures in San Fransisco!!!!

I'll Be Leaving My Heart In San Fransisco - Day 1

Wow... that's all I can say. I LOVE IT HERE.

I left Salt Lake around 12:30 on Tuesday. Everyone I talked to was terrified about me driving on my own. "Call me if you get tired." "Stop for lots of breaks." "If you start dozing, PULL OVER." Come on. I can play Halo until 5 am and wake up four hours later. Sleep? Who does that these days?! The drive was awesome. Although the scenery was sometime monotonous, I loved driving through the mountains, and passing Tahoe and Donner Lake. It was awesome to just jam out to music and drive. I had a lot of thinking time. I love thinking time. The best part? I cut an hour and half out of my drive. The Worst part? I got a freaking speeding ticket from a cranky California cop. Even if I DID deserve it.... GRRRRRR!!!!! Allysa and I had a wonderful reunion, and even though I was freaking out about a misplaced wallet.... I am SO happy to be with her and spending every day with her. I was super tired though and passed out the minute I laid down.

Wednesday morning, I woke up to an empty house. Allysa had gone over to her aunt and uncles house to babysit. She also informed me that she had found my wallet. I was soooo relieved. She picked me up and took me over to the house, where I met her grandparents and two of her cute nephews. She watched them for a little while, and we made plans to go to San Fransisco for the day. Her grandma let her leave early so we could spend the day there :)

We went home and got all dolled up and cute (Allysa obviously defeating me in that department :P) and we went to the BART station. I must say.... I prefer BART over TRAX ANYDAY! (Sorry for all the capitals) I figured out the train system pretty fast, and we rode into San Francisco. The train was SUPER loud sometimes, and Allysa told me it was "the sound of the shrieking eels..." The station we pulled into, Embarcadero, was underground, so I had no idea what to expect. When we came up to ground level, I was instantly in love. There were tall buildings everwhere, and people everywhere! Street vendors, street musicians, skyscrapers, sirens, seagulls, honking, and just a few blocks away... the ocean. 

Allysa and I spent the next 6 hours enjoying walking around the bay. We ate some AMAZING ice cream at Ghiradelli Square, ate lunch at Alcatrez Cafe, bought cute sunglasses at Pier 39, and took awesome pictures all along the way. We talked to some way cute guys playing their guitars (Poorboy Riot... Look them up on FB!), found an organic cafe that Allysa loved... and I couldn't get far enough away from. Haha. 

By the end of the day, my feet were swelling up and threatening to fall off. It was getting dark, and we decided to head home. We walked all the way back to the station and caught the train. Llysa and I texted each other about the crazy people on the train, and just kind of relaxed. We finally got back to the house, and  we were both exhausted.

Even though it was just my first day out in San Fransisco, I am in love. I love the vibe of that city, the cool people, the music everywhere, the night life, the day life, the shops, the food, EVERYTHING. San Fransisco seems to breathe on its own, and you can feel it. Ugh, it's a shame about the cost of living there. Otherwise, I'd bring all my stuff here now. 

I will post pictures soon! Day 2 is still happening, with my reunion to my BELOVED ELIZABETH to happen tonight! YAYYYYY!

This Is Me :)

This week has had many ups, and some downs too. I've been crazy busy, and have also had lots of time to think. I've been going on walks every night, just me and my music. Ahh, how I love music :)

Some of my highlights this week:

Remember the friendship I lost a few weeks back? Well.... it's on the mend :) So I guess loss wasn't the right word.... temporarily put on hold. I'm not sure what will happen. When you're closer than close to someone, you have great power to hurt them if you choose to. When things are said, and the hurt is there, it's hard to come back.... but I love her, and we know what made our friendship go sour. Changes are happening.

On Wednesday, I was soooo excited to have my sisters come over. I remember when I was younger, Savannah and Morgan and I would have a girls night every once in a while. No parents. Usually just a movie, ice cream, and us talking. It's a little harder to do with the three girls and Lexie, but it's a girls night nonetheless. We played in the pool for most of the afternoon (my neck is still sore from swimming from Brooklyn, Paris, and Liberty hanging onto me while I swam). Since my roommate has been packing up stuff, we had a picnic outside for dinner. Minus my roommate packing, I planned the day pretty well! I miss spending time with my sisters, and it was good to talk to them, and watch my adorable little neice.

My roommate's packing has been pretty fun. I've been preparing to go shopping for all the stuff I'm going to need when she leaves. (Everything in the living room and kitchen belonged to her.) BUT! As she is downsizing, she's leaving A LOT behind. She gave me a bunch of kitchen stuff, the microwave, and is selling me her washer and dryer for CHEAP! I'm soo excited to be in charge of my own place, and to find the roommate I know I'd get along with :P

Due to the fact that most of my friends are out of state, mainly in California (and Wyoming), I have had a lot of thinking and along time to myself. I've made realizations, both good and bad. I've come to realize that some people are VERY good at telling you what you want to hear, even when their actions scream the opposite. I have re-discovered that the true friends are the ones who aren't afraid to call you out on your crap.I don't need people who don't need me.

I am NOT going to change my attitude, my looks, my values, my life... just so other people can approve. I am who I am. This is me :) My name is Jasmine. I go by Jazz, Jazzy, Jazz-Meister, Jazzy-Fizzle... and Kimo Sabe (thanks to Allysa). I love to do things for other people.  I am a huge fan of laughing and teasing. FAMILY IS MY LIFE.  MUSIC IS MY PASSION, I love to make new friends. I value honesty more than you know. I have an awesome family and great friends. I know I say that a lot, but it's the truth!

This is me. You don't like it? That's OK. There are other people out in the world who match your style. Please move on :)

Thank God For All I Missed... Cause It Led Me Here To This....

I never went to Prom. I never got to go to my High School graduation. I've never been in love.... REAL love (that second grade kiss DOESN'T COUNT). I've never been a part of any sports team. I've never met my biological family. I've never been voted into anything. I've never.........

When you really start to think about it, that list can go on and on and on. It's true, I have missed out on many opportunities and chances in my life. I have been thinking a lot about that lately. All the things I screwed up, the people I hurt, the golden opportunities I skipped out on. Some things were out of my control, but others, no one is to blame but me. I have really been looking at all these missed chances, these sections I feel missing out of my life. But, as I have said before, THANK GOODNESS FOR REALIZATIONS.

I was writing a song (guitar this time people... it's gonna be big.... well, ya know....) and was trying to make it sound like a love song. It got me thinking about love. And, as I haven't really had that chance yet, I started overthinking. Hey, what can I say? I'm a girl???? :) I have loved a lot of people in my short life span. My mom, my dad, my sisters, Allysa and Liz,..... friends and family, along with a few pets and treasured stuffed animals. True, I have yet to be swept off my feet by my prince (haha), or even nudged a little by a cute guy, but there is a lot of love in my life. Given and received.

I have spent too much time focusing on things missing. What about the things already here?! I have an amazing family. Three of my sisters had birthdays this month. Morgan turned 25 (yeah.... old I know :P), Brooklyn turned 8, and little Liberty turned 5. Tomorrow.... well today I guess.... is also Father's Day. A whole day dedicated to celebrating my awesome dad. Yes, I may differ in opinion on some things with my family, but they're still my family.

I have amazing friends, and continue to make more. It's nice having friends I can go grab lunch with during the day.... and friends I can violently slaughter at night..... Ahem. If you don't know what I mean.... just don't worry about it. I talked with Allysa on Skype last night. I thank God for inspiring some individual to come up with that program. I talked with Lissa and her brother and sister. It was so much fun, and made me even more excited to see her next month. I was able to talk with Liz earlier this week, and that was SO fun! I also get to see her next month, and am excited beyond words.

My roommate just informed me that she is moving out this month, and although we have had some good times....umm...yeah.... I am very excited to make this place my own. New furniture, new roommate, new rules. A place that will finally feel like home. PARTY!!!!!! Haha.... no, seriously though, housewarming party in August anyone??? :)

I think sometimes we forget the good things because the bad, or mildly annoying or disappointing things are so much more dramatic. I used the line from the Darius Rucker song for my post title for a reason. I am grateful for things that have happened in the past. They may have sucked at the time, and sucky times may still come, but I have been, and will continue to be shaped by them. They make me ME! And I'm learning to love that!

No Regrets!

It's been too long since I wrote last! A lot has happened, yet at the same time, nothing at all. School is over, and I'm loving the summer so far :) Mostly, I just work. But I have done other things as well.

My music is coming along great! I wrote a new song a couple weeks ago... Just not sure what to do with it. It's not a song I can sing myself, so I need to find the right voice. I actually have another song in progress now, a song about music :) Hopefully it will turn out the way I'm hearing it in my head!

I have kept busy with work, and have developed a true love for my xbox! Call me a nerd, laugh at me, doesn't matter. I'm getting good at it (I have a great coach :P) and Xbox live is a blast! I have actually met some really cool people... well, not met.... but still!!!!! I wish I could meet some of them... but either way, it's fun. It gives me something to do during my free time, which is usually after 11 PM. Oh the times when one discovers a new hobby! Another fun little adventure:  I was able to reconnect with an old friend from high school, and that has been AWESOME! He's a good friend when I need one :)

I went to Arizona this last weekend, and had a really good time. I spent some time with an old friend, and it was great to take a break from work. It didn't end quite the way I expected, and I lost a friendship. I've really been struggling with it this week, and with arguments that have occurred since then. I made some realizations today though. The loss of one friend has made me realize what I can do better with other, and future friends.  I am who I am, and I want people in my life who accept me and love me for that.

I talked to Allysa about all this today. Oh how I love that girl. She helped me to realize that I don't people in my life who don't accept me. No matter where I go, I still have a past. And if someone can't deal with that, it's OK! I am going to live life in the moment. NO worrying about what others think. Man... this is going to be fun!

A Mother Who Is Really A Mother Is Never Free

This week, it seems adoption has been brought up several times around me. Other things have been going on too. My mother is losing both her parents, and I my grandparents. Watching my mom go through this is so hard. It's helped me to realize how much I love her. My mom has done so much for me, and I will never be able to repay her. But I will always try! But on the subject of adoption, I have thought about Tanya (My biological mom) a lot.

The quote I listed as my title makes me wonder even more. Tanya's situation, from everything I've been told and read myself, was unlike that of any other mother I've heard of who has placed her child. She was 28, she had a good job, she had family support. She seemed mature, she knew what she was doing for school, she was confident in her letters. So what made her decide to place? I don't hate her for her decision, and I honestly am grateful that she chose such an amazing family. I just still wonder what made her choose what she did.

I look at what my friends are going through. Kara already placed her son. And it has changed her forever, and she struggles with the pain daily. It has affected her own first mom, and it has even affected me. I can just look at her and see the hurt, the yearning for her son. She wonders constantly how he's doing, what new things he's learning, and how he's looking. It's so hard for her. I wish so much I could help her. Shailey is eight and half weeks along in her pregnancy, and I can see already how much she loves her baby. She is constantly touching her belly, she loves looking at clothes (which drives me nuts) and she can't wait to pick a name and see it grow. I have other friends who have had kids, and I see how much they love them.

My mom asked Tanya so many questions by letter. Some really deep stuff. She asked Tanya about my father, if Tanya would continue communication, maybe eventually meet. Tanya answered some of the questions, but honestly, I feel she was very reserved through her letters. She never really got into what she was feeling. I suppose I can understand this, as LDSFS read the letters before my parents apparently. But still, she rarely asked questions about me, and only occasionally talked about her love for me. Maybe I have an issue with selective reading. I don't know. Tanya WAS the one, however, who cut off communication. Mom sent multiple letters with no response. Eventually, mom stopped writing. And that was that.

What happened? Did she lose my parents address? Did she move? Was she hurting too badly to write? Did she just want to forget about everything and move on with a fresh start? Does she wonder how I'm doing? Did she ever try to find me? Did my father? What is his name? Tanya said I looked like my father as a baby, is that still true? Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for Tanya's decision to place.  I truly love my family with all of my heart. I couldn't ask for anything more. I just have questions. Questions that weren't answered by 5 months of occasional letter writing, or in the very selective adoption information. I am not looking for another family. I wonder, however, if Tanya has ever struggled with some of the things I struggle with. It would be nice to know what she looks like. I wonder if she is free, like in the quote, or if she is still always thinking about me. Even though I have questions, and I wonder if Tanya moved on or just felt to much pain, I will always be thankful to her for making me a Widmer. She made a wonderful choice.

Truly Great Friends Are Hard To Find, Difficult To Leave, and Impossible To Forget

I have friends all over the place. I have friends in Orem, UT, in Cheyenne, WY, in San Francisco, CA. Heck, even in Munich, Germany. They are good friends. Truly amazing friends. And I love them with all of my heart. But honestly, it's difficult having them all so far away. I miss Liz every day, and I cherish the times we can text, talk on the phone, or on Xbox Live (hehe). It is very difficult to not have physical contact with someone who understands me so well. Brecken, my dearest friend from high school, is in Orem, and though that is closer than California, I never seem to have enough time to run down there for a visit. As I said, long distance best-friendships are hard.

I have been so lucky to have two amazing friends here around me. I see Kara at work, and I am always astounded at how easy it is to talk to her. She knows everything about me, nothing barred. She accepts me for all of my imperfections. She can make me laugh no matter what, and we've cried together too. And you want to know the worst part of our friendship? She's moving in a month. I'm losing yet another friend to the sunny beaches of California. I want her to be happy, but I want to be selfish too. I want to still be able to see her smiling face. Talking to her in person is so different than talking on the phone. Thank goodness for Tahoe!!

Shailey.... oh Shailey. She is the peanut butter to my jelly, the apple to my pie, the straw to my berry. I would be totally and completely in the devils fiery place without her. Shailey has seen me at my worst, and my best. We have so many inside jokes it's ridiculous. We're closer than ever because we know what it's been like to hate each other. That is not a nice feeling. Shailey can always make me laugh, and I usually won't stop laughing for a while. We can just look at each other and start giggling.... maybe that's because I'm funny looking though.... I don't know. I love spending time with her, and seeing her love grow for the baby she's carrying. It's so dang cute!!!! I would totally cry for days if she were to leave too... it sounds pathetic, but it's true.

People ask me why I have the friends I have... as they are .... unique. Why do I choose to spend more time talking to my friends in Cali rather than chatting up kids in class. Here's my answer. When you go through deep intense struggles with someone, your relationship with that person changes. Liz, Tayler, Kara, Shailey, Lucky, Brecken, Joy.... I've been through so much with all of them. Liz, Shailey, and Kara especially. I couldn't just talk to a kid in class about my struggles with my self-esteem, or other things. I couldn't talk about addictions that I'm fighting to break. These girls understand where I'm coming from, because they've been there too.

Another reason? I love feeling wanted, feeling needed. If I can help my friends in any way, I will. I've always been that way. I have given time, money, and sleep over to my friends, and I don't regret any of it. Well... the choice to spend all of my savings during my Junior year was kind of stupid, I'll admit. I like feeling useful. And with all of my issues, I find it difficult to feel needed by people who have their lives in order. I'm not saying that my friends don't have their lives in order, but they have struggles. We can talk on such a deeper level.

Anyways, I just want my friends out there to know that I love them. I'm always thinking about you guys, and wondering how you're doing and if you need anything. I want to be there for you just as much as you've been there for me, if not more. And day or night, no matter what, I'm here if you need me. Love you all!!!!!

Not Sure What Will Happen In The End

I don't know why, but tonight is really hard for me. So much is going on around me, and I feel like I'm stuck in place. My mom tells me to not move backwards. Trust me, I'm not. I will NEVER go back to where and who I used to be, but I don't know if I want to be what everyone else wants me to be. How can I move forward when I'm not 100% sure about what I'm moving towards????

I don't want to live my life for others, but I feel like I'll be letting so many people down if I don't follow THEIR guidelines, and live by THEIR expectations. I have so many things that I want to do in life.... I want to travel, I want to fall in love, I want to kiss in the rain, I want to write more songs, I want to have two or three degrees from school. I want to go on adventures and have successes and disappointments. After all, disappointments usually lead to more success.

I wrote the other day about how I am going to change myself. Well, that's still the case.... but the wishing I was another person thing?????? That's a little more difficult. I can't help but envy my two best friends here in Utah, and their triumphs. One goes out with the ladies at work today, and comes back with a free soda and a number from the cashier! The other need never be afraid of being alone, seeing how amazing and beautiful she is. I truly have wonderful friends, and a wonderful family, and I meet new wonderful people all the time..... but still..... I do struggle with envy.

Honestly? I want to be in love. I want to find a guy who wants to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to him. I want a guy who follows through, who's serious... but loves to laugh. I want someone with dreams and ambitions, and the courage to at least TRY to make them into a reality. I want someone to hold me the way I see others held. I want to kiss and be kissed, and hold hands while at the store. Hence the envy. I know I am the master of that, but it makes sense in my head.


Where will I be in the end? What am I going to be doing? Who will I be with? There are so many questions unanswered, and sometimes it honestly terrifies me. I want to move forward in life, but I'm scared because I don't know where I'll end up specifically. I guess I just have to take those first few steps.... STEP INTO THE UNKNOWN.

To Wish You Were Someone Else Is To Waste The Person You Are

"To Wish You Were Someone Else Is To Waste The Person You Are."

I must admire the brilliance of Kurt Cobain. Not only was he a great musician, he was a great intellectual as well. I read this quote earlier this week, and it has been sticking with me. Lately, I have been hating who I am. I'm just going to be honest. I see the success of my friends, and my family, and people I don't even know, and I can't help but wish to trade places. Actually, I wouldn't wish my situation upon anyone, so I'd rather just BE them, no trading necessary. I don't mean to be a downer, but that's just the way things have been. I may be successful in work and school, but that is not all there is to living life.

I think of the song from Jewel "What You Are." It goes along the lines of "I give love to others, but I give myself hell." I am always encouraging my friends, telling them how amazing they are, seeing in them what they don't see in themselves. I will never call my friends ugly, or stupid (unless they truly deserve the title haha) and I'll NEVER ever discourage their ambitions and dreams. But.... it's quite the opposite story when people try to do that for me. I shun compliments, I keep my complaints to myself, and I rarely open up to people.

So, as I said before, that quote has been sticking with me. Some changes have been happening in my life. There have been deaths, the creation of life, moving away, moving back, everything. I have gained new friends, and lost old ones. Change is inevitable. And instead of wishing I were someone else, I am trying to "Be the change  [I] see in the world".... or at least in other people. I'm trying to stop putting myself down, and I'm looking to make new friends, and be more adventurous. Hopefully  I will be able to open up a little more and trust more than myself.

School is over, and I've gotten good grades! That's good thing #1! I'm losing weight at a consistent rate, and people have actually started commenting on it! It honestly never feels real when it's only myself noticing it. So that's good thing #2! I have amazing friends. One is always with me making me laugh, and another is always texting me, lifting me up. She even wrote a blog about me! I have more friends other places, but these two have been my lifeline to sanity.... or maybe it's insanity. Good thing #3! I have an incredible family, and I couldn't ask for more from them. Distance is hard (2 sisters living 4 hours away :/) but I do what I can. I think they might be getting sick of my phone calls. I am so blessed to have a tight knit extended family too. Good thing #4! I just got a letter from my cousin Josh in Portugal, and I've written letters to Skyler in Brasil and Taylor in Guatemala. Good thing #5!

I'm not going to wish I was someone else. I'm going to change myself into the person I know I can be. I'm going to love myself. Who knows? Maybe other people will some day be inspired by me!

:)

Back Again!

There really isn't a point to having a blog if I don't update it.... right? So, let me try to get back on track.

Life has been pretty hectic lately, in both good and bad ways.

School is over! Well, almost. I've got one more final to take tomorrow... oh wait, I guess it's today. But I got a B- in my Sociology class! Yay! Psychology shouldn't be too hard to pass, I've got a B so far as it is :D Compared to the 'E' I got in both classes last semester I am verrrry pleased with myself.

Work is going well! I've been at TKJ for over a year and half now, and I'm more in love with the ladies all the time.  K is a riot. She's probably my favorite. She's got so much spunk and passion, and she always calls me and Kara "Sexy Legs." She hasn't been fond of me lately, but that's only because there's a new staff she's paying attention to. Haha. I hope.  I really do love my job, I just wish it paid more. Then again, I don't know any individual who doesn't want a higher paying job!

Lately, I have actually been spending a ton of time with my friends. And I've been loving every single second of it. I hate to sound mean, but I love having single friends. My two best friends are just recently single, and it's been soooo nice not having to compete with their men just for a get together or a movie or something. I've been thinking about it, and Kara and Shailey are here, but all my other close friends? Out of state :/ NO BUENO!!!!!! So I'm making a goal to make some new friends. Being shy, it's going to be just a little difficult, but it will happen!
 

Honestly, it's hard keeping up with my blog because I'm not a very open person. I don't share all of my thoughts and desires and emotions on a web page. I'm just curious.... should I? Does a blog really have to be an online journal? I want to write so many things, but I worry about other people seeing how pathetic I truly am :P haha I don't want to voice my insecurities and worries, because there are people out there who have it worse. Sometimes I want to talk to no one in particular, just to vent. But I think in order for me to do that on a blog, I'd need to make the blog anonymous haha!

Let me know what you think... if anyone reads this!

What a Woman!

Today being her birthday, this blog goes out to my mom!


For nineteen years, my mom has been there for me! She has been there for my ups and downs, and for a few years, there were A LOT of downs! Mom and I haven't seen eye to eye all the time, and we still don't always agree, but I couldn't ask for a better mother.

When I was little, Mom was always there to pick me up when I fell. She encouraged me in all my dreams, and was supportive of my ambitions. My mom helped me excel in school, whether it was an accelerated reading program, accelerated class, skipping a grade and even specialized high school. She always told me I could be whatever I wanted, and do whatever I dreamed of doing!  The woman even braved homeschooling me for a couple of years. That took guts, and endurance :P

Mom really inspired my love for music. I was learning the piano by age four, and Mom didn't stop at learning basic theory. I learned music history, and listened to classical for most of my childhood.  Even though I fought with her at times about practicing, I'm so grateful mom taught me, and praised my talent. I remember laying in bed listening to her playing the piano, writing her words and lyrics to my favorite songs. She even wrote a song for me. Here's a line : "Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone, but miraculously, you're my own. Never forget, not even a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but in it." I fell asleep at night listening to her pour out her heart in song. Thank goodness for that. It has inspired me countless times ever since. 

She defended me when I needed it, and tried her hardest to understand me when I was.....er....rebellious. I pushed her to the edge, and yet she always seemed to hang on. If there was ever a child who tested their mother's love...... Well, yeah. Mom is a hero. No questions asked. I will always be grateful to her for not giving up on me!

Mom, thank you for being you. Happy birthday. And I am SO happy there will be many more birthdays to celebrate! I love you!

Friends in high, low, far, close, wet, dry....places??

OK.... in order to have a blog, it seems a requirement that I must keep up with it. That being the case, I should be shot! Drawn and quartered! Dropped in a container of toxic waste (sadly I'm sure I could find some of that in Japan right now)! Fed piece by piece to ravenous.... unicorns???

Anyways, though I don't have much to post, I'll update those I imagine to follow my blog. Not much has changed in my life if you're looking for some spectacular events. Still have an amazing family. Still have incredible friends. And I still have an imaginary boyfriend. His name is Alejandro. He's on a Humanitarian Mission in.... Antarctica. Yup. To the penguins. I still have a wonderful job, and I'm still surviving school!

Lately I've been thinking about my friends a lot. About how different our lives have become. My best friend from high school is married and living with her husband in Orem. I remember swearing up and down to my parents that she and I would be best friends forever. As in grow old together, being second moms to each others kids. Well..... she will always be my best friend, but in a different way! I'll always love the memories we've shared, and hopefully, the memories we have yet to create. And I will always take the credit for introducing her to her man ;)

Then I got got to thinking of my best friend from WRA. Well, I have a few. But there was one girl who understood me more than anyone, and wasn't afraid to set me straight. She knew what it was like to have constantly interacted with people older than us (college) and she and I think the same way most of the time. She really is the other half to my whole. Now she lives in California with her fiance, and I miss her dearly!

I have friends all over the place, and I'm lucky to have a couple good friends still IN THE STATE! Haha, thank goooodness for the one that lives just down the street. I'd be lost without her, and her man, and her doggies :P

Friendship is so important in life. I am so grateful to my friends for always being there for me. I'm even more grateful to know that even IF friends may fail, my family will always be there for me!

Have a WONDERFUL week everyone!!


P.S.- My photos for the last few weeks!

6 Beautiful Sisters in St. George

Me and Shailey :D 

My Favorite Shot!

Motto? Theme? Life Goal? All of the Above :D

I use the saying Live, Laugh, Love a lot. When I see people with a tattoo or a bracelet or T-shirt bearing that phrase, I can't help but speak up and compliment them on their choice. I'd like to explain.

If I've learned anything in the last couple of years, it's that life is too short. Period. It can end in an instant. So make the most of it!

LIVE- I always want to live my life without regrets. So far.... well, in that last year, I've had no regrets! YIPPEE! Oh wait.... there was the drunken party with Liz..... KIDDING! (Although I would've loved to see Liz <3) Moving on... I always want to live my life to the fullest! I need to add more to my bucket list, but so far, I've paid off a car, gotten my own place, paid for a semester of school at the U, worked almost a year and half at an amazing job, written more songs, fallen in love (with crocheting!), deepened my friendships, made new friends, and overall, strengthened my relationship with my family. I have absolutely no regrets there! 

LAUGH- I've needed to laugh a lot as of late. While I try to live life with no regrets, I can't always succeed in my own life, or influence the lives of others. But I don't think I can ever live long enough in this life to have my fill of laughter. There's too little time to be sad! I can understand some tears. A sad ending to a movie, a funeral, the death of Heath Ledger, but besides that? Laugh! Smile! It could brighten someone elses day. I know that for myself, nothing makes me more joyful than to see my darling little sisters dance around with each other, laughing until they're blue in the face. Without laughter, life would be so very difficult.

LOVE- This is the most important word of the trio. While I have yet to fall in love with my Prince Charming, Mr. Fantastic, or Superman, I have definitely reaped many benefits of loving my family this year. Love is so crucial to our existence! Sure, we can live, but without love, there would be regrets, and we could laugh, but I don't think there would be much joy. To love IS to live, and to laugh.

So there you have it. My motto. My goal in life. Perhaps, once you realize how short and precious our lives here truly are, you will follow my example. To Live without regrets, Laugh nonstop, and Love unconditionally.

Live.Laugh.Love

Blessed Beyond Words

Since I decided to more actively search for my biological mother Tanya, I've had a lot of support from people in my life. And a lot of questions. Someone asked me recently if I was searching for her because I felt like I didn't belong in my family. This got me to thinking.

I am not searching for Tanya because I don't fee like a Widmer. My family is incredible and I couldn't ask for a better one. True, we've had our difficulties and at time all I wanted to do was run away.... but now? I couldn't imagine life without them.  I realize not everyone has a positive experience with adoption. I've watched someone I love dearly go through immense pain because of it. On my account, however, adoption is a blessing. I don't know much of the story behind my birth, but I know Tanya was single, and my biological father was married. From the letters she sent in the six months following my birth, she was reconciled with the fact that she placed me. Yes, she said she thought about me every day and missed me constantly, but her letters were positive, and it seemed like she was moving on with her life.

I am not looking for Tanya because I need another mother. I have an amazing mom, April. That's not to discount Tanya's role in my life, it's just the way I feel. My mom is absolutely incredible. She gives and gives and gives. Sure, we've had our differences and I've disliked her, but no one could ever replace her. I look for Tanya because there's questions I have.... Do I look more like her or my father? She says in her letters I take after my father's side of the family. But that was when I was six months old! I want to know about my history. I'd loooove to know what happened to Tanya and my dad after I was born. Knowing his name would be nice too. But overall, I'd like to meet Tanya at least once, and thank her for what she did. She gave me a family I would be incomplete without. Who could pass this up?!

Savannah- My Twin

Little Sisters Are The Best

Gotta Love The Fam :D

This Photo's So Old But I Love It!

I will continue in my search for Tanya. But not because I feel I don't belong in my family. Not because I feel like I need a new mother. Just to answer some questions about myself. Who knows?? Maybe Tanya will want to meet the family she gave me. But truly, I am blessed beyond words. Thank you Tanya!

A Little Tidying Up

I have noticed that all the blogs I follow have a certain theme. As I've read all my previous posts, I notice that I'm a little scatterbrained. I write about all sorts of things. So I've decided to organize my thoughts a little better. This blog will be devoted to three things: my weight loss, my search for Tanya, and my photography.

First off, my total weight loss so far is eight pounds. That's NOTHING! Honestly! And I haven't put forth as much effort as I possibly could. I tried doing no soda, and kind of gave up. Well, not entirely. I only have two or three sodas a week, as opposed to the one a day I used to be drinking. I have dropped down to one fast food run a week, and one nice meal. It's really hard. How pathetic is that?! Who has that kind of addiction?! At least I admit it, though, right? Well, I've decided that I need more strength than just my own. So, on March 12th, I'm going to the open casting call for the next season of The Biggest Loser! I am crossing my fingers that I can make it onto the show. I think it would be easier having someone who needs to lose as much weight as I do by my side. It's difficult to exercise with someone who is just shedding a few pounds. It would be nice to find someone who knows what I go through..... I hope and pray I'll make it.

Next, on the subject of my biological mother, Tanya Smith. No luck. Not even of sniff or whisper of where she might be. My mom gave me all of the letters from Tanya when I was a baby, along with all the information from my adoption. None of it revealed very much. Tanya's dad died shortly after I was born, so I looked for obituaries with the last name of Smith that had a surviving daughter named Tanya. No hits. I looked for majors in photojournalism, and again found nothing. My last option is to request Tanya's identifying information from LDSFS. Other than that, I'm stumped.


Lastly, my photography. I am hoping to purchase a new camera at the end of March. An SLR. I did a photo shoot sort of thing with Kara to help her build a modeling portfolio. I really got some good shots, and I'd like to make more of a hobby out of photography. I'm really good at it! And I'm not bragging. I really enjoy it too. Here's one of my favorite photos of Kara. And then one I took of my West Ridge Soccer Team.

 

We'll See What Happens....

It's been a weird couple of weeks. I have had some great ups and some awful downs. I want to write this post on the topic of one of the lows. I was in my bathroom the other day, putting on my makeup and picking out my favorite accessory.... EARRINGS. Aside from my enthusiasm on that last part, I stopped and looked at myself. I realized that I have SO much that needs changing. I was becoming someone I swore I would never become. I had a good cry, pouted for a little while, and decided to not let it really get to me. But I made a promise to myself. I am going to change things. No excuses. No apologies. I am done hating what I look like and doing nothing about it. There's a lot to offer underneath it all!

So that day, almost a week ago, I decided to start a much needed process of change. No more soda. No more fast food. VERY limited amounts of sugar. So far, I have caved once with a cup of soda, twice with a run to a fast food joint, and almost every day with sugar. I know, I suck. But I'm not going to give up. I want to lose sixty pounds by May, and one hundred and ten pounds by the end of the year. And I have a lot of support, but I know I have to do it on my own. I hope I can. I know it will help my opinion of myself immensely. Wish me luck!!

Love in Unlikely Places

This week has pretty much murdered me. As I sit here posting this blog, my eyes are puffy, my nose stuff, and my hair.... actually I showered a little while ago so it's not dirty and messed up. But I'm not kidding about the eyes and nose part....

When most people meet me, I'm quiet and when  I do speak up, I just crack jokes. I'm cynical, sarcastic, and brutal on myself. My best friend has compared the wall she puts up around her heart to the Berlin Wall. I have a wall, but it doesn't have any long-range defense mechanisms. I don't shoot people down when they enter my life. I just allow them to meander across the plain, and when they get to the 'wall,' that's it. They stay there. It's like Rapunzel's Tower. If they choose to wait a few years (or milennia) they might find the secret door. But even then they have to make the long climb up the endless flight of stairs, and yeah... hopefully you get the point.

Anyways, with stresses like losing my college grant due to failing a class, and financial worries, I have really been beating myself up. I have felt totally hopeless, and completely worthless. I get teary-eyed writing about it. I could write all the things, I tell myself, but believe me when I say I hold nothing back in my self-massacre. 

All of the sudden, just when I felt something close to what I was feeling in my darker days a few years ago, I found a light at the end of my dark tunnel. The first glimmer came from my mom, who has become an 'iron rod' in my life. When I told her about my grant loss, I received this text :

"My job isn't to lecture you, but to love you always, and I DO."

That really lifted my spirits, and I owe my mom big. The next ray of light also came from her. While I was at work, she called me, exclaiming that she had found quite a few letters from my birth mother. While she read them to me, I can't explain what happened. I felt a new connection with Tanya. She apparently wore glasses, she was tall, and had had initially chosen to major in psychology and social work.... she later switched to photojournalism, because she loves to write and take photos. I also learned that as a child, I looked more like my father. Through her letters, I felt so much love from my mother by birth, and it has renewed my ambition to find her. 

The last ray of light that led me out of my tunnel of sorts, came from an unlikely source. I have lately confided a lot in a girl at work, Kelsey. She and Kara know how to get me talking. Hah. Anyways, I was having a rough day the other day, and Kelsey offered to burn me a CD of songs she likes to listen to when she needs to think about things. I was so excited, and very surprised when she surprised me with 6 CDs!!! She said she found so many songs and decided to give them all to me. Most surprising of all was when she handed me a letter with the CDs. I read the letter while I sat in my parked car, listening to the music. Kelsey really gave me a wake up call with the way I look at myself, and I felt incredibly touched, as she is one of the people I admire most in my life.

I realize that I have a lot to change in my life. I'm tired of beating myself up constantly and relentlessly, and still not changing a thing. 2011 will hopefully see the end of my old self and the beginning of my new self. I'm terrified, anxious, excited, and interested to see where this journey will take me. I hope to discover even more love in unlikely places.

Resolutions....Yikes

It's 2011.... 20 years ago this year I came into the world. Poor World :P Well, as is custom for ever beginning to a new year, I have made some resolutions. To be honest, I SUCK at sticking to resolutions.... but we'll see how this year goes:

1. Lose 100 lbs.... crazy right?! But I'm going to do it. I'm tired of envying EVERY single one of my friends, wishing I looked like them. I'm gonna be good looking by the end of the year. I hope. Oops hold on, let me finish my Big Mac over here.....

2. Get A's in every class for a semester. Folks, this hasn't been done since freshman and sophomore year... so about 2004-2005. But I know if I put my heart into school, at least a portion of my heart, maybe a sliver.... yeah I can do it!

3. Go on a trip. I'm not talking to St. George (sorry sisters :P) I want to go to on a cruise, or to Europe, or a cruise TO Europe. For sure I'm going to take a road trip, hitting up Wyoming, Arizona then Cali to see all the friends I miss dearly. Lily's a good car. She'll make it!

4. Go on a date.... I'd really like to get asked out on ONE date by a guy this year. I guess I could accept an offer from a girl. JUST KIDDING!!!!! But the THREE dates I went on last year were set up by friends. No bueno. I need to socialize! Also part of this section: Make new friends, and keep up with the old.

5. I want to get busy with photography. I've almost got enough saved up to get the camera I want. I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!! I've taken some photos in the past that I've LOVED, and I really think I can go further. I want to be able to take photos of the teenagers I hope to help AFTER they've gone through therapy, or the program. I don't know, still working out that one.......

6. Last, but not least, I want to write three new songs by June. I don't know what they're going to be about, but they shall be legen.... wait for it..... DARY!!!!! (Name that show)

Happy New Year to everyone. This blog is going to be switching it up soon, as I'm going to blogging about certain topics all year round, as opposed to the scatter-brained entries that have been posted previously. Hope you all succeed in your resolutions!